BAD IDEA ― deadpool & wolverine

ONE

****parenthesis are Deadpool's thought bubbles/fourth wall breaks!!!****

CHAPTER ONE:
THE UBER RIDE FROM FUCKING HELL

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IT KIND OF FUCKING STARTED BY ACCIDENT.

(That could describe my entire existence, really.)

Ketti had kind of a bad week. She got a new car (thanks Johnny) but it was totaled not four days later because some asshole decided to try and break into her car.

Again.

(So in an attempt to stop him, she fucking pummeled the guy, and I'm talking big punches like that girl does not hold back—)

And three broken bones and a car that wouldn't start up again, Ketti's walking through Hell's Kitchen like nothing even happened.

(But she doesn't have insurance — get your shit together America — so the broken bones are gonna suck. Poor baby.)

Too bad she works on the other side, and doesn't have the time to try and hail a cab.

(Buckle up, guys, this is the good part. It's where I come in.)

So she sent for an Uber, which is the logical thing to do. Waited outside a dingy little sub-sandwich station (which would later become our favorite place to eat but we'll get there) and then up rolls the dinkiest fucking ride you've ever seen in your life.

"I'm not really an Uber driver," was the first thing out of some fucking masked-up weirdo in the front seat. "I'm doing a test drive for a friend. Hop in, I'll show you around."

Fuck it.

Ketti got in the back seat and what she thought would become the normal, I-Stay-On-My-Phone-And-We-Don't-Talk thing, was instead...the complete opposite.

(I think that's supposed to be a compliment, thank you author.)

"Okay, gonna have to make a pitstop," the guy said. "I'm Deadpool, but you probably already know that—"

"—I don't."

"Well, ya do now, sweetcheeks." The masked man made a hard left turn — are they driving on the sidewalk? (Yes, because fuck pedestrian laws, if they're fast enough they can move.)

"Dude, whaaaat the fuck?" Ketti sat up straighter, looking outside with wide eyes, clinging to the underside of her seat. "This is — you're — get on the road! Like a normal person!"

"Don't sweat it, we're perfectly safe. Just a few extra speedbumps."

"People are not speedbumps!"

"Ten points if I hit them as they leave a store."

"You are so getting a one-star rating!"

"That's not what your mother said last night, go ahead, call her and see."

Ketti watched in absolute flabbergasted shock as this maniac drove her on the sidewalk, swerved around eight people — in a car that still had the paper plate from the dealership — and promptly avoided all traffic.