𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝟖 (𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐂)

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟐 | 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝

JANURARY 12, 2002
ORLA LYNCH

Joey wasn't home.

Nor Shannon.

Not Mam.

Meaning I was alone and completely vulnerable to whatever my Da's whisky tantrum had in store for me when he came home early one day. Today.

I walked home from school today. Early.

I wish I hadn't.

I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't know anything besides the feeling of him scattered everywhere on my body. His touch was deeply engraved into my skin, sinking into my bones until I wanted to rip every layer off.

I felt him everywhere. When I looked in the mirror I saw him everywhere. He was me and I was him. He was a criminal and I was the crime. He had officially ruined me.

I was tainted, I felt dirty. I could see the dirt staining my skin when I dragged my weak body into the bathroom and looked in the mirror.

His fingerprints were like ghosts haunting my image, his grunts reverberated off the walls of my mind. My clothes were sticky, and everything on me felt sore.

When I looked in the mirror: My body was scattered in bruises. Bruises wrapped around my throat and wrists, they scattered along my arms and legs from where he held me down. A fire was burning through my thighs as crimson trickled between my legs.

My eyes were red and puffy, lips swollen and hair disheveled. I could still taste him in my mouth, I could smell him on me. A nauseating bullet ricocheted through my gut and I bucked towards the toilet, my guts pouring out of my mouth.

I felt dirty, and even more disgusted with myself and my reflection because it was no longer me but now a tainted version of me.

I didn't know he was coming home. I thought I was safe. I should've locked my bedroom door, I knew better.

My father assaulted me.

I was embarrassed and ashamed at the god awful truth of it. My father, my own blood. How could he—Who would believe me?

"I'll kill ye" I remember he told me as he smashed my face into the mattress and stole every last bit of light out of me.

"fucking slut, ye hear me girl."

After hurling every last thing in me into the toilet, I pushed myself to my feet disregarding my weak, wobbly feeling body. Weak. I was so weak.

I was weaker than him.

That I knew.

Too weak to defend myself.

I never stood a chance in tis house.

I locked the door. Refused to look in the mirror as I limped to the shower. I just climbed into it, didn't bother taking my clothes off and just turned the faucet on to the freezing cold water I've always been used to.

I froze as the water streamed down my body, soaking my hair and shuddering my body. My teeth clattered as I peeled every last bit of clothing I had on off. It was just my knickers and a shirt he had pulled all the way up.

I stare in horror as the water turned red after washing down my body, turning the clear into crimson. My stomach churned, and it felt like a bullet had cut through every bit of my flesh and burrowed itself in my gut. I couldn't tell if I was crying, all I felt was water.

I scrubbed my body until my skin was red and stung. Afterward I wrapped a towel around my body and struggled to the mirror. When I looked at the girl she was still disgusting, she was still bruised and battered and I still felt dirty.

I tried again.

Scrubbed. Rinsed. Checked.

Still disgusting.

Again.

Dirty.

Again.

Dirty.

It wasn't until I repeated this routine eight times that I had finally had a conclusion. I was dirty. I was tainted. And I would stay dirty and tainted forever.

...

"Why are you sleeping on the floor?" Shannon asked me later on that night, perched up on the bed as I paced the room, picking at my nails until they bled.

I swallowed the words down my throat, conflicted on whether I can tell her, tell joey, tell anybody. I wanted to. I wanted the words to flow out of my mouth like a waterfall and I wanted to scream them so the whole world could hear.

But I couldn't get the words through my throat without vomiting.

"Orla?" Shannon's small voice made me stop and turn to face her. I swallowed the lump in my throat, tugged my sleeves down to cover my wrists. "I, uh, The bed is, um, too small for the both of us, yeah?" I scrambled to get the words out.

She curled up onto a ball in the bed. "No it's not.. We can both surely fit, Orla, we have for ages now." Her eyebrows pinched together.

The house was quiet today. The house was never quiet. Although I felt like his voice was everywhere, I could hear it bouncing off the walls and torturing my brain as my eyes flickered in this room, finding it all to familiar and haunting at the same time.

My stomach churns as I focus on the bed and then the memories attached to the bed. I shook my head. "No, Shan. I, uh, you're." I swallow my words. "You hit me in you're sleep, you don't mean to but you do, and I don't mind sleeping on the floor." I choke on my words.

"The floors better." I add, to hopefully add some cheer into my explanation.

Her eyes widened and cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "I- I hit in my sleep?" She chokes.

I don't think, just nod and ramble. "Yep, you don't mean to but you do." I say, throwing my arm in the air as demonstration. "Just like that."

Her face contorts to embarrassment. "I'm so sorry!" She blurts. "I can sleep on the floor then—"

"NO!"

She flinches at my quick outburst. I blink and apologize quietly. "No, I mean—I am fine with sleeping on the floor, if anything I want to." I say.

She looks at me in a way my skin crawls. Panic itches at my brain and churns my stomach; Rooting my feet to march over to our bedroom door and turn the lock. I jerk on the door then, making sure it's secure.

"Orla are you okay?" Shannon asks quietly. I turn to face her and she's already curled up in her duvet. I walk back over to her and grab a blanket and pillow before sinking down to the floor and curling up into the smallest ball I can.

No. "Yeah." I breathe.

I face away from her, away from the bed. "Oh, okay.." She whispers, flicking the lamp off. "I love you, Orla."

I swallow the vomit creeping up my throat as my eyes engulf the complete darkness. "I love you back, Shannon."

When it's dark I can't see my skin. If I can't see my skin than I can't see how dirty it is.

I like the darkness.

______________________

okay this should've been out ages ago.

If you are struggling and have been assaulted, please don't be afraid to find help or tell someone.<3

my poor baby.

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