𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝟖 (𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐂)

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟏𝟔 | 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐚𝐝𝐞

SEPTEMBER 21, 2004.
JAMES GIBSON

"Ah! Cap, why would you kick me? Y'know I bruise like a peach!" My older brother yelped in pain, hopping as he clutched his shin in agony. "WHY?"

"If you'd get off my fucking back about how I train James, I wouldn't have kicked ya!" Johnny snapped, huffing in outrage. I held my chest, throat dry from heaving oxygen into my air. "Is this really.. necessary?"

"Yes."

I've recently come to the conclusion that I suck.

I'm not as funny as Gibsie. Nobody could be funnier than my clown for a brother, so I was stuck at second place for that.

I'm clearly not as talented at rugby as Johnny, won't be going anywhere with that. So I was stuck at second place for that as well.

I wasn't smart but I also wasn't dumb. Probably didn't even place top five for academics.

My Mam said I have a nice smile. But I bet she'd say Keith's smile was better though.

I was stuck at second place for everything.

Everything.

I felt like a spare for everything. Like the unimportant person until the important person is no longer important. I was the fucking stunt-double!

And as much as it made me feel like absolute shit on the inside, I was distracted. My mind was too occupied on everything else to drift towards the memories in the back of my mind. I was making it, I was changing.

I smiled more.
Laughed more.
Studied harder.
Trained harder.
Hung around my friends more.

I stayed away from drugs.
I only drank sometimes, though it was a rare thing nowadays.
I had broken up with Lena and left things on good terms.

Lena was possibly the most understanding person to ever break up with. And she smiled through the whole thing, although her smile was watery and I could see the tears brimming the corner of her eyes. And it stabbed me in the gut with guilt.

Horrible guilt.

I felt like such a jerk. And in a way I was such a jerk. I used her to feel less and less like myself. Used her to get past fears that haunted me from my past. I was a jerk. A horrible, donkey-ass-jerk. I deserved every bit of guilt I had felt.

She wanted to remain friends and I reluctantly agreed. It was the least I could do for the poor girl.

I snapped out of my thoughts when Gibsie and Johnny's banter had gotten louder. I reached and rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, still out of breath might I add. "I'm.. Uh, I'm going to go see Mammy K.." I muttered.

______________

"She is so beautiful, a wee bit crazy.. but in a beautiful way." Cathal sighed wistfully, playing with handfuls of sand perched on his lap. I cocked a brow and smirked amusedly. "Crazy?"  I laughed.

He gestures with his fingers, grinning boyishly. "Just a wee bit. Nothing too bad."

Oscar grumbled beside me, arms crossed furiously. "Y'know who's crazy? YOU!" he snapped at me, a pout on his lips. I rolled my eyes, frowning.

"You're not dying you fucking spanner." I flicked my thumb at me. "You'd be dying if you continued that evil cabbage. You'll be thanking me when you're alive and married well into your forties."

He scoffed, looking away. "I'd rather be dead than be here, on this earth, sober." He grumbled, huffing in outrage. I snorted and shared a glance with a snickering Cathal. "You're better off that shit, Oscy. It's bad for you health, Lad."

"Fuck off!"

I laughed, shaking my head. "You'll get through this, Oscy. I promise."

Cathal laughs. He furrows his brows in question then. "Hey, what made you get off that shit, man? What changed your mind."

I opened my mouth with the intention of answering his question. But fucking Oscar beat me to it. "Some girl he met at a party."

Cathals eyes widened and head dipped forward. I sighed in defeat. "Green eyed girl! Really?" He exclaimed in question, I shook my head and resisted the urge to scream my lungs dry in frustration. "It's not like that, guys. She just changed me perspective on things."

Truth be told I couldn't get this girl out of my head. And it was as equally frustrating as it was intriguing. Fucksakes, I didn't even know the girls name yet she managed to consume my every thought and question.

I had so many questions for her. The main one being why. Why did she feel that way? why was life this way? Why should I try when she won't? What makes us so eerily similar and comforting in a way I want to chase after her?

This was so exhausting.

I wanted to tell her something different that day. I kept repeating the part where she openly told me she wanted to end her life and I stayed silent. I wanted to speak up, tell her it was worth staying. But the entire reason why I was silent was because I wasn't so sure it was worth saying on this earth.

I don't know If I still want to be here. Even after changing.

Because I was selfish.

I was so selfish, that I was angry.

Angry at myself.

Because I was angry at him.

Sometimes I feel angry he left me.

The he took her with him but not me.

I was never able to feel that way for long. Because my good sense would always kick back in and kick me in the ass with guilt whilst at it.

I was selfish for thinking that way.

I was selfish in many ways.

But that's why I was doing this. Why I was trying so hard to be happy. Because I didn't want people to worry for me whatsoever. I wanted people to think of me as the happy, unharmed, perfect blonde boy with pretty eyes and a great smile.

And I already had two of those things.

So my facade was going to be so great, people weren't going to even tell the difference between the two. Between my reality and my facade. And eventually, I won't be able too either.

________________

short chapter I'm sorry lots.

TIKTOK **ADORABLISS**