𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝟖 (𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐂)

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝟐𝟑 |𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐛.

ORLA LYNCH

My eyes flutter open, a hazy blur in my vision. My body feels cold, my hair damp and on my shoulders. My bones feel frozen in place, locking them still. I blink my eyes before focusing them on the room around me.

The same messy interior, the smell of sweat and boy reeks my nostrils. The smell is so potent my eyes start to water. I was in Joey's room. Joey's atrocious, disheveled room.

My head was pounding and I could feel crust corner my eyes. I darted my head around the room, and my eyes set on my even more disheveled looking brother, sitting in his desk chair in the corner of the room.

His hair was damp and messy. His eyes glossy and hard as they looked at me. And like stone my body stilled, frozen mid-movement. A shuddering breath left my mouth when an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear coursed through my blood.

I curled my legs to my chest, wrapped my arms around my knees and hugged them close to my body. My brain re-wiring with memories of earlier today, the sound of his voice, his hand on my cheek.

Marie he called me.

He thought I was my mother at first. And even when I had told him I was his fucking daughter, he still continued, continued like I was nothing but a thought in the back of his mind, an doll with a nice figure.

Before I could stop them, my eyes were filling up with stupid, stupid tears. And my chest was filling with pressure, heavy rocks sinking in my stomach. A frog lodged into my throat, strangling my airway.

I tried to breathe calmly; I exhaled a shaky breath, struggled to inhale again.

Joey, my brother ran a hand through his hair, gnawing on his busted lip with glossy eyes. He paused for second, like he couldn't find the words I knew he wanted to say. "Orla." He said, voice thick with devastation.

"I.. I, Uh.." He stumbled on his words, eyes flickering in every direction but mine. In this moment, I wanted to run away. I wanted to run so far nobody would ever be able to catch me, nobody would be able to find me to drag me back here.

I wanted to disappear.

He exhaled a shaky breath. "I didn't know you did that." He finally choked out, eyes filling with water.

I froze when the words left his mouth. Fear and humiliation shivering down my spine. Nobody was supposed to find out—nobody was supposed to know, ever. This was supposed to be my thing, something only I knew about myself.

It was an ugly secret.

Unhealthy.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and rested my chin on my knees. My eyes trailed forward, focusing on the cracks in the walls. "Everybody has their own way of  coping, Joe." I said, quietly as a newfound feeling of nothing drained out the water drowning my lungs.

"That's not coping , Orla. That's hurting yourself—"

"Neither is drugs Joey." I hissed through gritted teeth, my voice still quiet. My sharp tone hiding the emotion trying to dig itself into my tongue. "But you still do them, don't you?"

He flinched. A sharp pang of hurt stabbing my ribs. "I have to do something, Joe. I-" I clenched my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms. "I don't want to be here anymore, Joe. A-and I feel—" Nothing. "Trapped in—" My body. "In this.. this stupid house.. A-and he thinks I'm her, all the fucking time!"

My chest heaved with violent sobs wracking out of my mouth. I hid my face in my knees, felt the tears soak my skin. "I don't know how long I can stay in.. t-this.. h-house.. w-w-with.. him!" I choked out.