Soulmates

Here without you

TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter evokes EATING DISORDERS and ANXIETY.

Days pass and, even though my presence seems to have somewhat soothed the pack, some issues remain clearly painful for all of us, starting with Hyunjin and Felix. Every meal is an ordeal for them as for us. Seeing them so weak breaks me a little more every day.

The meals always follow the same pattern. Felix and Hyunjin help themselves last and to the same amount of food as we did. They wait for us to become less attentive, to talk amongst ourselves, to start pushing their food around on their plate, pretending to eat. When they start feeling our stares, they swallow a bite or two but never more, saying they're not hungry anymore. But I can see they're starving themselves. They have no strength left and waste away in their rooms. They're letting themselves die, slowly but surely.

One evening, I decide to have a talk with Seungmin, Jeongin, Han and Changbin. Minho is gone again, but I can't tackle every problem in one go. I don't feel strong enough to do that on my own, without Chris by my side. Felix and Hyunjin are my priority for now, because their lives and health are at stake.

"You wanted to talk to us?" Jeongin asks.

"I want to eat alone with Felix and Hyunjin. Please leave and come back later tonight."

They nod. Han's legs start shaking with nervous spasms. I know how difficult it is for him to leave the house at the moment and I don't want to trigger a new attack for him.

"Hannie, I know it's hard for you. If you feel like going out is too much for you, can you at least stay in your room?"

I lay a hand on his thigh to soothe the shaking. He nods.

"Thank you."

Jeongin, Seungmin and Changbin leave. From the porch I watch them turn into wolves and disappear into the forest. This makes me think. They don't usually turn without the whole pack by their side, unless there's an emergency or their Alpha is with them. Their Alpha. Does them turning have something to do with Chris?

That question piles onto the anger I'm already feeling towards myself. I made an unforgivable mistake when I left him and the pack. I'd regret it for the rest of my life if something were to happen to him. I was foolish to think everything could be solved with a simple breakup. What we felt for each other, what I still feel for him today, is one of a kind. It's so strong. I've ruined everything. I get teary-eyed, but breathe deeply to try and think of something else and not feel how deeply I miss him. Once I start feeling more at peace, I get back inside.

Felix and Hyunjin are in the living room, waiting, surprised to see that nothing is ready and no one is here except me.

"The others have gone out and Han is resting in his room. Should we spend the evening together just the three of us? What do you feel like eating?"

"Pizza!" Hyunjin says.

"Brownies," Felix says with a smile.

I know they can see through what I'm trying to do. We spend the evening playing games and watching a movie, and I don't have to pretend to be excited. I'm genuinely happy to spend time with them. I can see they are more relaxed. Their laughter brightens their faces and warms my heart. I can see they're eating a little bit more than usual and with more enthusiasm. This evening will not solve the problem — I know that. They will need time to heal. But I want to show them that they can do it and make them want to fight.

All three of us are sitting on the couch, listening to music, when I take their hands.

"I'm sorry for everything that happened. I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have left you."