Aryun's pov
i could not sleep that night, only thinking about siwon. it was frustrating that i could not imagine her dating me. was she just joking around? i could not tell.. she's hard to read, she's hard to imagine. but.. from the looks of it she might just be serious about this.. oh!! could just ask wonsung- but i didnt think he would know about it. well, seems quite messed up to me.
i hugged my side pillow and took a deep breathe, closing my eyes. did i like her? did i? did i.... it was hard to tell. cuz i had never given it a thought, let alone dating her. it was funny how ridiculous i had been, not noticing her feelings at all. dumb, that's what i am.
how do i know if i like her or not? that way? how did she know? i wanted to know too.. it's kind of disgusting to me.. kind of.. i never imagined myself dating a girl so i think it was pretty normal, to think of it that way. at the same time however, its hateful and frustrating. should i tell wonsung about this? or maybe eunji? eunji.. would understand i think. she'd been my friend for over 6 years, she should. but.. at the end of the day, i was straight, right..? or atleast that was what i thought i was.
eun...... sorry for not replying to ur texts today- i kinda wanna meet up tomorrow after my school. be there yeahhh? gnn :
i then kept my phone away and fell asleep eventually, even though it was probably for 3 hours as it was already 4 am.
____
i thought i would be fine that day but no, it got worse. i thought i would just pretend to ignore it, but nevermind. the moment i saw siwon absent that day, i immediately thought i was running away from my problems. yeah, that was exactly what i was doing, leaving siwon all alone in her own ocean of feelings. that definitely felt worse.
i silently got out of class after the day ended, without talking with anybody else. i wanted to take advice from someone but i was too afraid to do so. heh, thats on me. suddenly i heard someone calling my name from behind, it was wonsung. "Aryun!! you were so quiet today.. anything wrong?" he asked, walking to me. i could do nothing but sigh. "i'm nice!! i'm fine.. do you have any idea about why siwon did not come today..? i mean.. she never misses class.. right?" i asked, not sounding too sad.
"well.. i tried calling her but her phone is off currently. thought she was studying, switching her phone off or something. but what's wrong?" i had to fix this, i needed to do something. i couldnt see siwon like that, at all.. please.. it felt very wrong to me, very unfair to me.
"Hey,"
I snapped out of it. "You look deep in thoughts. Wanna share?"
"Wonsung i.. I just need some time alone alright? I promise i'll tell you later." i replied as his face showed concern for me.
"Alright.. But know that i dont want you to suffer alone. Siwon wouldnt want that either. We're there for you yeah?"
I stayed silent. I didnt know what to reply with, that would be of no use so i let it be.
"Something is definitely wrong," he added.
"Perhaps.. But it'll be alright. It's just some misunderstanding."
He wasnt convinced. So i just left him there and walked away, at that moment i didnt know how to say the words i needed to. I'd interact when i'm fine again, maybe. Wonsung just remained there with a frown and confused look. I didnt look back further.
I wanted to text siwon once i reached the cafe.
: are you alright
: hey
: answer me
: why didnt you come today?
: hey..
I was left with delivered. I sat there with nothing emptiness and waited for eunji.
I hope anything didnt go wrong for her or something.
After a short while, i zoned out. I quite didnt know what to say to her. I wanted to question myself, did i feel the same way? Have i ever felt the same way? Maybe for a brief moment?
Love is such a complicated thing. I'd never had a boyfriend in my life, let alone a girlfriend. It wasnt like i never wanted one, i just never gave much thought into it. I never actually cared. More like i was unsure of my own love life. I just wanted some friends to enjoy life with.. Nothing else for then, probably.
I dont want to give her false hope either. That would be so much worse.. So much. Seeing her genuinely love me made me feel loved. But have i ever made her feel the same way? I dont think so. And that was on me, perhaps. I saw her as a friend while she saw me more than that. Was it all one sided for her?
What would i do if i was in her place?
I genuinely couldnt imagine that actually. Id known she was never good with words or showing emotions, yet i still held onto her hoping she would see me as a friend at least. Yet i never expected her to feel this far.
She talked with me as if she had known it wasn't worth it, saying all her feelings to me. As if she had seen it all coming, as if she had known i would be in this condition of total perplexity. She never rushed me.
She just simply told me what she felt. She spoke for herself for once, and that was really.. Admirable.
I wish i could do that too, being sure of myself too. How did you do that, Siwon? Being so sure of yourself.
I wondered what she was doing. Whatever it was, i just hoped she felt a little lighter after saying everything, even though it was all indirect.
Eunji took a while. By then, i calmed my mind down enough to have a talk with her.
"So.... You're confused?" she said after all my baffling. I nodded. "Most likely."
"Well... This is quite complicated if you ask me.. Plus ive never been in love with a girl before so like.. I dont think i'd be helpful.."
I sighed. "Much expected. Well, thanks for your time though."
"Heh, since when did you start thanking people?" i shrugged. "You really do look quite serious about it. Are you sure you're not joking or anything?" she said, chuckling.
"Do i look like i am?" i frowned and asked.
"Nah. But hear me out. If you never cared about her you wouldnt be this serious about her feelings towards you, right?"
"Yeah right. I do care about her. But it might just be infatuation, i would rather distance myself than giving her false hope and breaking her heart,"
"Hehh... You sure are serious about it."
"You still think i'm not????" i sighed in frustration. "The drinks are on me, take your time, aryun~"
"I appreciate that, ma'am."
We had a good laugh, she never failed to make me laugh even in that situation. Well, i guess time will let me know the rest.
Yet again..
I ended up questioning.
What if time is irrelevant?
