*Sonic's POV *
"I retired." I sighed. "I don't want to talk about. Maybe another time. Go get unpacked." I stood up and walked to the kitchen to see how much food we had here. I had let the guards know to bring food here before we even left.
Shadow spent the whole day asleep, the kids were exploring the house and asking me questions about when I lived here. I went outside once the kids were asleep and sat down on the porch stairs.
"You're awake?" I looked up when I heard Shadow talk. I smiled softly at him and made room for him to sit beside me. "Whats wrong?"
"I don't know what to do." I confessed. "I love you, but... I was alone with the kids for 12 years, it's so surreal to me that you're here. Are you actually here or have I finally gone crazy?" I chuckled then rubbed my face. "It just... hurts."
Shadow lowered his ears then sighed and nodded. He gave me some space to not bother me. "I understand." He looked at my hand, I was no longer wearing the ring he had left me.
I was grateful that Shadow was alive, I was happy that he was here. But my emotions were all over the place. I still loved him too, those feelings had not gone away, I just felt so confused and lost.
"I can sleep on the floor and you take the bed. I can just imagine what you're feeling, this isn't easy." He answered, still keeping his distance which I was grateful for.
I looked down at my hands and looked at the ring I was holding then gave it back to Shadow. "I'm sorry." I let a tear roll down my muzzle, I nearly gasped when I saw Shadow's eyes, he looked like he was about to cry too. He took the ring and shook his head.
"It's okay." He answered.
It isn't fair to him. For him it's been days, but it isn't fair for me either. I went a whole decade without knowing anything about him but it wasn't his fault.
Chaos. Why?
"It's not." I whispered, my voice breaking. "And I'm sorry. I just need some time."
Shadow nodded and looked down at the ring. "I understand, Sonic." He said again. "I'll even understand if you're never ready, I left. I was gone for 12 years. I don’t expect for you to still feel the same. I won't be surprised if you've already moved on."
"I love you." I confessed. "I've always loved you, Shadow. But I just can't do this right now. My heart was finally healing from your loss. My emotions are all over the place and I'm supposed to stay strong for the kids. Maybe after everything has calmed down." I looked up at the sky. "We could give it another shot." I mumbled.
"I love you Sonic." He said and slowly stood up. "I'll wait as long as I have to." He went inside for a second then came back and wrapped a blanket around me. It was a cold night afterall. He then kissed ny forehead. "Even if you're never ready." He confessed.
Why does love have to be so complicated?
Shadow walked inside the house and left me alone outside as I could not help but break down crying again.
As much as I want to be with Shadow again, as much as I want our family together again, every time I was close to him, my heart ached. I remember the letter, I remember his last words to me, I remember G.U.N. coming to my door to tell me he was gone. I remember the anger and the pain, he depression, I remember when I avoided taking care of Shade because he looked so much like Shadow.
I was a horrible parent the first few months of Shades life. I couldn't look at him without crying, wasn't able to even look at Mephiles because he was so similar to Shadow. It was thanks to my friends who made me snap out of it and helped me take care of Shade, thanks to my kids who kept me busy and helped me avoid feeling depressed again but how did that help?
I never accepted my feelings, never accepted how I really felt about the situation. I was angry. Angry at myself, angry at even Shade because if I hadn't been pregnant at the time, I could had saved Shadow. Angry at my mother because I had gotten pregnant in the first place to be able to become king someday, Angry at my siblings because I had kids for them not to go through it. I was blaming everyone when it wasn't anyone's fault.
I gasped for air after a bit, forgetting to breathe as I cried.
Why did my heart hurt so much?
