Saving Grace

Chapter 15: Pity or Serendipity?

We got back to James' house. It was late afternoon, early evening at this point. It was still hot and muggy from the storms earlier in the day but starting to cool off.

James let Cash out and grabbed his guitar nudging for me to follow him. I smiled and walked out as Cash went prancing off by the pond.

We sat by the tree again down near the dock that went over the pond. We sat in silence for a while. It was silence that was peaceful and comfortable, something I was not used to.

I laid back on the grass while he gently strummed the guitar looking up at the different colors smeared across the sky. After a minute he laid down beside me, still playing a random tune.

He stopped and looked at me.

"Can I ask you something Grace?" He let out. He seemed a little nervous which made me nervous.

"Sure." I responded trying to be cool.

He took his guitar off and laid it down beside him before laying back down and looking up. After a few seconds he looked over at me again.

"Why were you with him?"

His question took me back. I wasn't expecting that. Honestly, I hadn't even been thinking of him at all. It was like a switch that turned off. It hurt to think about everything that I had put myself through. He looked intently at me with genuine interest.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to...I just..."

"No it's fine..umm.." I thought for a second.

"I think it's complicated. We got together senior year of high school so he was just everything I knew. When you're in it, it just seems...normal. It doesn't feel like there's an escape and the worst part is you love and care about them so when it's good, even just for a minute, you forget the bad parts I guess. It just all seems like a game that you're trapped in. You fall in and then you just get stuck and can't see anything from the outside. They grind you down and make you feel small until you believe you need them."

I forgot for a second that I was talking to him as I tried to process what had happened to me.

"..umm until one day they do something bad enough that you get out and realize...everything."

He kept looking at me like it was important what I was saying. I didn't feel judged or pitied, just heard.

"Do you still love him?" He asked point blank. I was definitely not expecting that question, especially after what we had done and everything.

I thought for a second. "I will always care about him, but honestly I don't know if it was ever love. I don't think he ever loved me, maybe in his own twisted way but to answer your question, I don't think so, at least not in that way...I'm not sure I even know what love is at this point."

I played with my hands realizing how messed up I was and how much I needed to heal and relearn myself, who I was and what I wanted.

I looked back over at him. He was still staring at me, taking in my words.

He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

"I think love is meant to build you up and make you feel good about who you genuinely are, to elevate you. You deserve to be loved the right way. Deeply, genuinely, just as you are, you deserve that." He told me gently.

Was he real? Maybe I was dreaming all of this. Maybe I was in some state of psychosis and I'm imagining this perfect man in front of me. Am I lying in a coma? Maybe I'm trespassing on someone's property by myself right now hallucinating.