IT WON'T STOP

22.

[ Amara’s ]

I woke up early in the morning, still in the airplane. I had a long flight from the Philippines to the States.

And I remembered what happened between me and Machiko again. My heart ached so much, and it didn't even change to feel that way.

I bit my lower lip, stopping my tears from flowing. I was already tired of crying every single time. That's why I wear my black eyeglasses a lot when I go outside.

"Are you being selfish or selfless, Amara?" I whispered to myself.

My guilt was unexplainable. I didn't know any valid reason to just kiss someone so she could finally let me go. I thought it was the worst way to hurt her. And have her hate me for the rest of her life.

I wanted nothing but her shining in her dreams without any hesitations or distractions. I took the risk because I fell in love, but it wasn't enough for me to just risk everything that way.

I wanted her to have the spotlight because she deserves it. She committed to that kind of career, and she must deal with it. without me.

I love you. And I cherish you, Machiko. I thought to myself. Everything felt so bad; my guilt was overflowing. But I knew I had to deal with the consequences.

I was also tired of understanding her, but I would gladly take all the blame. She's hurting herself too much. We needed space from each other.

A few minutes later, the plane took off, and I immediately checked into my hotel. When I got there, I arranged my stuff as usual and decided to eat outside.

I was just wearing an oversized hoodie, black pyjamas, and my eyeglasses. I decided to go to a coffee shop near me. 

And just like that, I remembered me and Machiko’s encounter in a coffee shop before.

"Hi." Her voice suddenly echoed in my mind, which made me look down and hold my head.

"Fuck, how will I move on?" I sighed.

Later on, I already had my bread and coffee on the table. I decided to check my phone out of boredom. I was aware that I was trending in the media.

I answered the rumours, and I was lying about me and Machiko being on good terms. But, oh well, at least I didn't say that we were good friends. She never wanted that. Before, yeah.

I was about to stalk Machiko’s account, but Sadie and the others' messages popped up. So, I opened it instead.

Sadie: @Amara how are you there sa us?

Amara: I'm fine, I guess

Skylar: hindi, alam kong dala mo ang konsensya mo hanggang d'yan 😭

Galilea: :(

Sadie: kaya mo ba ang sarili mo riyan?

Galilea: pwede naman puntahan ka namin d'yan

Skylar: ang yaman niyo naman!

Amara: I'm okay, I promise. I can do it by myself :)

My friends were always there for me. They never judged me for my decisions. Even if I don't explain further, they will still try to understand. They also have it in their minds that I'm a good person.

But... not from Machiko’s point of view. 

I got my senses back when a message notified me again.

Sadie: //link.// panuorin mo @Amara

It was an interview with Machiko. A TV show, and she wasn't alone. She was with her group mates, Caily, Juniper, and Maise.

I hesitated to watch it. Just looking at her face hurts me already. It's not because she was the one who brought me pain, but because I caused her too much pain.