escapism

maturity difference

in the beginning of the year i told myself,
"she's not my type i won't like her"
but when i texted and called you during the two weeks of snow
i started getting a bit closer to you

even though you were extremely busy and you weren't that close to me, you were able to text me back everyday for hours.
i thought that you were a nice older sister figure i could rely on

but when my friend asked "you like her don't you"
i froze in place with my face getting warmer and warmer
what? there's no way i like her.. i just like texting her a lot and how she pats my head

the more i thought about it, the more i knew i had feelings for you. the most unexpected crush i have ever had.
you were a boomer even though you were only a year older than me but two grades above me.

i heard about the big mistakes you've made in the past, your "deez nuts" jokes, and other flaws that you have.
oddly, i accepted them all
the weird humor, the seriousness, the nerdiness.
things i'd usually get the ick from made me even more attracted to you.

i loved texting you in the evenings all the way to late night.
just chatting randomly and a little awkwardly
for some reason it's so hard for me to talk to you like i do to my friends but i don't mind it.
the good morning texts when we start the day and the good night texts when we end our conversations after hours, it was such a new experience to me.

you didn't seem like the type to like physical touch so i just started off with just pretend punching you for weeks.
after that it turned into you patting my head, pinching my cheeks, poking (jabbing), tickling, hugging and holding hands.
i loved holding your hands, i loved playing with your hands, i was almost addicted to how your hands felt.
the slight rough texture of your hands were new to me, almost everything about this was new to me.

i got bolder and told you pick up lines which you surprisingly liked. i loved it when you called me cute or a silly goose afterwards. i serenaded you while doing karaoke, looking at you directly in the eyes, and writing you notes to read during practice. i loved when you told me random medical facts, about your day, what you've been doing, basically anything.
i was so obvious to you but you didn't say or do anything.
i loved staring at you and into your eyes seeing you have a confused expression on your face.

i basically confessed to you twice, i'm clingy with you, i blush when you get too close to my face, how much more obvious did i have to be? but once i learned that my friend has liked you since last year, i started giving up hope and realized that maybe i should give up.
i felt bad that i was liking the same person and saw how it affected my friend

but you giving me your extra blanket, smiling while tucking me in before going back to your homework during the school trip didn't help my feelings. even when we were in the locker room waiting our turn to shower, you gently caressed my hands after i had fallen multiple times while rollerskating earlier that day, i had butterflies in my stomach.

i craved your touch, i wanted to hold your hands, hug you tightly, and have your presence near me all the time
but i knew that i couldn't be with you now.
you're going into the medical field and you're two grades above me.
you've never had a crush on someone before and probably only see me as a younger sister.
i wish it could've been simpler and i could just confess to you but i don't want to burden you with my feelings on top of all of the responsibilities you have.

now i distance myself knowing that i'll probably never have a chance with you,
knowing that my friend is probably happier without competition in the way.
but it still hurts to let go even though you probably never saw me the way i saw you.
you're like the moon to me,
glowing brightly in the dark night sky along with the stars.
if only i could tell you,
"the moon is beautiful tonight isn't it"
but i can only say,
"the sunset is beautiful isn't it"

i love you so much but i don't think i'll ever be able to tell you all of this until i forget them.
i'll always love being near you,
being close enough to be able to smell your scent,
simply touching your hand, and staring at you.
i wish you knew how much i admire you.
how much i want to be the person to bring fun into your life,
i want to be the first person you fall in love with.
i want to be there to comfort you when your studying gets tough.

but then again, i can only dream.

a/n:
Whoop whoop! Isn't this saur great 🤗
This is the most recent crush I've had so far and I've never met anyone like her before. She's so interesting and special I love it so much. Butt not every story has a happy ending unless something in the future happens and fate does its magic 🤔.
This will probably be the last? I'm not sure but see you guys in approximately a few months!