Destiny of hopes

chapter 4...

I'm so relieved that our exam halls are on different floors and I kinda messed up.

So last evening I wanted to tell him, I mean the plan was that but I couldn't say it on his face. So, I let it be. I heard from my friends he was kinda sad but ik he wasn't which devilishy handsome guy cries for an average girl.

I wrote my answers and was ready to fly off. It was our internals and after the exams today only our puja vacations are gonna begin. So, it's more about preparing for going home then it is about the exams for all of us.

I don't know if I was missing my home more or the TV, fridge, food, my softies, and all or my family.

After the bell rang. I submitted my paper and was ready to go home. I got to my room, changed my uniform, pulled my bags and now I'm ready to go.

As I descended down the stairs I saw my dad. He took my bags and placed them in the trunk of our car. He had already filled out the formalities so I was ready to go.

I sat in the back seat and played the song "she by Selena Gomez" it was already 12:12 Am. I looked out of my window and there he was filling the leaving formalities in a checked blue shirt. Uhhhh why do I see him all the time.

I texted my ex about everything idk why, maybe because I couldn't tell anyone. I texted him but instantly regretted it so I was about to delete it but it was instantly seen. Uhhhh my stupid fate. Can anything be worse than this.

' I'm telling you he is not good for you. He is a total double faced guy. He is not totally as he looks like ' He typed

' ik ik ' I replied

' I'll suggest you to stay away from Him as much as you can ' he said

I wanted to say ( ik ik bitch fuck off you nasty cheater ) but instead of pulling a fight I just send ' 👍🏻 '

' Just know He was the reason me and my friends were restricted from the school. He is the reason behind everything that happened. If he wouldn't have been there that day to do shit then nothing that is today could have happened. '

I saw the text and kept my phone. Is it true that everything was becouse of him. I never loved my ex but that fact that he always choosed someone over me hurted. I felt rejected, dumped and not enough. Am I that bad?

He and I were never in good terms. When I was a new student it was kinda due to everyones words and the fear of being left alone because he was a bad boy and the whole school supported him. I just admitted my fate and stuck to being his gf but I never felt the need or urge to talk to him instead I just felt uncomfortable. Even when we broke up for the first time I was so happy but then when his friends tried to fix me with him again one of the new students said that I do love him when I clearly said to her I don't when she asked me.

Every time he came near me I scrunched and felt away. Never did I say to him a single I love you. It was always so uncomfortable with him and he never tried to change it all. I just avoided it because I'm too much of a freaky ass to leave someone on my own. So, if I don't like someone I just avoid and wait till they leave on their own.

So I did it inspite of him calling me a slut infront of his friends, flirting with others and being on constant cheap behaviour I stayed and avoided till he admitted he loved her too and me too so he said Clearly that he wants to double date us and I didn't say anything but just avoided him as always. I guess this time he took the hint. After that he tried numerous times to but I knew one thing clear I don't want this totally.

The thing was just a month before that thing I actually started falling for him when he cried and grovelled that he loves me more than anything but I guess I just felt and felt in love that now I'm defective so I'm left behind.

I opened my Instagram and when you say what could be worser something worser happens. It was another boy who liked me. After my ex and I broke up I was too happy. One of my half cousins was staying with me that night. So she was talking to a friend who heard me and when I looked at her friends pics I just commented casually he is so handsome and talented. I didn't totally mean I had a crush, I just complimented but she meant it when she said it to him so now he thinks I love him.

Fuck how do I tell him it was all a big misunderstanding. He'll be hurt and from as much as I came to know he doesn't deserve to be hurt. He is a good soul.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I screamed internally because my life is too complicated and half of the things are as it is because I can't talk things out and the other half is because I listen to people a lot no matter how hard I try to ignore the . Nobody could ever understand me, how I feel and how I'm managing.

Yes, I know I'm wrong and in the halt of solving my problems I'm creating problems for other's even if I don't want to.

Every time, everything I tried to do my mind would just says nooooooo and I stop, I just stop what ever I'm about to do.

It's hard but I'm dying inside and I can't tell anyone. I want help but I can't ask someone to help me.

I have even lost count of how many times I have picked up a blade just to turn my mental pain to a physical level. You know it's easier because when you hurt yourself you know it's because of this reason and when it heals the pain is a bit gone. Even a bit of relieve is also appreciated.

I can't stay still in a place. I need to continuously move. I need validation and reassurance. I clearly have the symptoms of anxiety, eating disorder, ADHD and post traumatic stress disorder along with attachment issues, trust issues and even communication issues but I can't tell anyone because they won't understand. They'll blame me.

I tried sharing it with my parents and my friends but none of them seem to get me. They think I'm just acting up and this is all my fault.

I'm trying to deal with it all but every time I try I just fall and fall. It's like I have forgotten how to form words now because every time I try to say everyone just says shut up.

I don't know what to do and I don't know what I'm doing. I just know It's too much for me.

I close my eyes lay on my back seat because I feel it creeping into my skin again. No, I don't want it. Stop. I don't want to suffer. My hand starts shivering and my chest starts burdening up. I lay there hugging my keens to control myself. I don't want to stress my parents again. Please stop.

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I hope you guys enjoyed it.

"I know it's kinda hard to process and many of you will say I should have extended the chapters instead of putting it in one but I just wanted to show how someone can suffer in silence. The most dangerous wars are always silent. I hope everything goes well🥺"

please do follow me on insta @Aanshee30 for more updates.

I'm kind of a lazy person. F**k I'm actually a lazy person and also I'm bad with technology stuff but I'll try my best to make edits for you all.

I'll post a chapter per week on Tuesdays and before the chapter I'll be posting the edits so that you would be able to get a preview of what the chapter looks like.

Okk, till then take care of yourself. see you soon my fluff balls.
Xoxo🩷✨🎀