Destiny of hopes

chapter 11...

I left from there totally in disbelief. Did I just kiss him or I'm mentally disarted and that's why I'm hallucinating.

I got down and sat near the stair case of the stage area. My friends asked me if I also wanted to join them and play but I denied because my mind was playing somewhere else.

It's been a total of sixteen mins and thirty seconds and he hasn't yet come out of the old building.

The old building is an open one so you can see all the corridors except the staircase but the first story staircase is visible from the place I was sitting yet he was nowhere to be seen. It means he is in the staircase. Did I do something wrong? Did he faint after I left?

It's been eighteen minutes now and he still hasn't come

Omg what did I do or I'm just over thinking. Was this a mistake? Don't tell me it was because I haven't even touched... leave touching I don't even talk to boys mostly. What did I do? Omg I'm gonna cry.

Did I even kiss him? Or was I just hallucinating? Because I don't know. I'm just so confused. Is everyone's first kiss is like that or is it just for me because I'm not familiar to anything related to this at all. Is it just me because I'm too shy to be this confident.

It's been fucking twenty one minutes and twelve seconds now and he is coming out of the building now.

Is gonna leave me after this. I have seen and heard about boys leaving after they get what they want. Noooo wtf is happening??

Why am I even affected by him leaving me? But it hurts like hell. The thought of living without him is killing something inside me that I don't even know exists.

I rushed towards my room and cried and cried my heart out. I should have sticked to my reason list. I should have never said him that I love him.

I'm gonna get hurt again. I can't let him in. He is gonna mold me or break me and leave me in pieces.

I can sense it. I can sense it but this time nothing is clear. It's like he is holding me on the top edge of a huge building and I can't tell if he is holding me to push me up from there or if he is just trying save me. I can't feel anything clearly this time.

I'm a fucked up person with a fucked up life. I can't let him in and let his heart suffer because of me.

I can't let that happen. Why, why did I do this? Did I did right or maybe not? Why can't I figure it out?

My breaths starts to increase again as my thoughts pound in my mind. I can't control it.

Fuck, I can't even control myself how am I going to maintain this all. Loving someone is a big responsibility and what if I failed in carrying it on properly.

I am such a cruel person. I should have never dragged him into this. I can't do this. I can't.

What if he leaves like everyone did? What if he loved me like his world depends on me and then left me when I needed him the most just like my mom and dad?

I didn't blame my mom for all this. She is too innocent and pure but my dad is so confusing. He'll only be there for you when he feels like not when you need him. He is so biopolar sometimes. In a moment I'll be his whole world and in another I'll be just a speck of dust he wants to get rid off. I love him so much but sometimes I just wanna never talk to him ever.

That day I should have sticked to my desesion and jumped up from there. I should have died. I don't deserve to live.

* Flashback *

I was there in the corridors of our classroom looking at the stairs. I'm about to go up and jump from the top floor.

Many will think why and I have answers written down. The answers which I never wanted to give.

They'll judge me think me as a coward for not fighting but the least they knew is I started fighting my first war when I was nearly five.

I fought, I promise I fought so well but I can't anymore. For whom do I fight for? For whom do I live for?

Live for my parents who left me in the time I needed them the most? I can't forgive them and even if I did I will never be able forget anything.

For the friends that I never had? Friends are the people who always stand by you through thick and thin not the one who always do judge you on every single thing and I'm so unlucky that I got no friends who will do that.

For the society who always blamed me for having a dark skin as a child and who always judged me based on how I look?

I'm sorry arnab I can protect you little one and I couldn't stay by your side because I'm too fucked up in myself.

I can't even stand myself. Everytime I look into the mirror I just see pain in my eyes and nothing else.

If I kept living I'm sure I'll end up again in this situation an-

"Hii"

My heart just jumped out of my ribcage hearing that voice out of nowhere. I looked here and there but the corridor was empty.

"Bhow"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" I screamed at the sudden sound behind me.

"Hahahaha"

"Stop laughing at me"

"I'm so sorry I didn't have any intentions to scare you but seeing you lost I just lost it" he said in between his laughs

" This is why I love frictional men, real men are dogs "

"Meeeowww"

" Okay stwappp " I said in between my laughs.

* End of flashback*

That's how he entered my life making me forget that I was going to end it all. And this is the sane reason I'm scared because I know I'll never be able to love him the way he deserves to be loved because I'm too fucked up in my ownshelf to love someone else.

Whenever I have looked into his eyes I have always wanted to have them all for myself but I'm also certain that I'll hurt him in some way or another. I can cry, be depressed, skip meals, hurt myself and what not but that's how my life is...dark and dead but he seems to have the kind of soul that never deserves to suffer in my darkness. I wanted to be understood but I don't want to kill someone from inside while understanding me.

If you don't heal your wounds you bleed on people you love and my wounds are too deep to be healed in a short period. I myself don't even know how much time it'll take. Maybe months or even years and in that process I'm scared I'll hurt him so bad that he'll have to leave for his own happiness and peace.

I want to give him my world but my world is crumbled in pieces and if I gave him this his skin would be pieced by the pieces of my world.

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I hope you guys enjoyed it.

I know you might feel this chapter feels useless because who feels this after just a cheek kiss but just remember ever person is different and everyone process their emotions differently. Don't judge her like everyone or sympathize with her instead empathize with her and you'll feel it.🫂

please do follow me on insta @bookholic_brainrot for more updates.

I'm kind of a lazy person. F**k I'm actually a lazy person and also I'm bad with technology stuff but I'll try my best to make edits for you all.

I'll post a chapter per week on Tuesdays and before the chapter I'll be posting the edits so that you would be able to get a preview of what the chapter looks like.

Okk, till then take care of yourself. see you soon my fluff balls.
Xoxo🩷✨🎀