Rosewood School for Boys

Chapter 19 - Explanation

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"Talk." Jess said as soon as we were settled at a table.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. I had never really told anyone about this. Not even my closest friends, although I'd never really had close friends so i suppose that didn't count for much.

"Well," I started, "my parents are dead."

She looked like she was about to offer condolences but I waved her off.

I've heard so many 'I'm sorry for your loss'-es over the years but in the end they bring me no comfort, nothing can bring them back and no one can say anything to change that. It's why I try to avoid the subject as much as possible, it's awkward and I can't stand people's pity.

"But as a consequence of that I've been bounced around foster families and homes my whole life."

It's the main reason why I don't have many good friends. After being forced to leave them time and time again I just found it easier not to make any, it was less painful that way.

"When I was twelve I was adopted, I was so happy that I would finally have a permanent home. The man who adopted me was a respectable businessman, he lived in a big house all alone and had decided he wanted a child for company."

I frown, tapping the tips of my fingers against my thumb one at a time.

"Looking back I should have seen that was weird, he didn't have a wife or girlfriend, or even a pet. But I guess he was rich enough that no one wanted to question it."

Jess lays a warm hand on my arm, gently encouraging me to continue. I huff out a breath.

"Anyway long story short he was a psycho. He got off on hurting children."

She gasps tears welling in her eyes again.

"The worst part is that I wasn't the first and I probably wasn't the last either."

I bury my face in my hands, shame and guilt filling me like lead.

"I can't bear to think about those kids, the ones he has hurt or is hurting, I hate that I can't help them and that, by escaping him I condemned others to the same fate."

My throat constricts, cutting me off as tears drip onto my hands and down my wrists. Jess's hand in my arm leaves for a moment before she's sitting next to me on the booth seat. She hugs me tightly as I cry, her softness comforting even as she cries with me.

"It's not your fault." She whispers.

I don't reply.

"Ryllis listen to me," she pulls away and lifts my face up to meet her eyes. "You can't carry the blame for something you had no control over. You were just a child!"

"But I'm not anymore, and yet I still can't do anything!"

I keep my voice as quiet as I can, not wanting to draw attention to us in the crowded restaurant but the frustration in my tone shouts louder than my volume.

"You are sixteen, you are still a child. Let someone else handle this, tell the police!"

I shudder, shaking my head before looking down.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't know who he is."

I Jess tensed. Confusion running through her.

"How...how is that possible?"

I sigh slumping back against the wall.

"My memories are all fucked up, something about trauma and 'my brain protecting me' or something"

A look of horror flashes across her face.

"So you can't remember, anything?"

I shake my head, I wish it was that way, it would be so much easier not to have to hold onto these memories, I would be so much lighter without their weight.

"No I remember most of it, but I can't picture his face and I don't know his name."

It's the reason that the blame rests solely on me.

"But surely there must be records of the adoption? Forms he filled out? Something?"

"Yes, there was."

"Was?"

I swallow. My tongue feels like sandpaper.

"I ran away from him after a year and a bit. I was starved, injured, scared, but I managed to get out. Once I was free I didn't stop, my fear driving me onward. My only goal was to get as far away as possible before he found me."

"And did you?" Jess asks, waiting with bated breath.

"I did, eventually I collapsed and was found by the bin men in an alleyway. They took me to the hospital and when I woke up I figured out I was two counties away."

I let out a small laugh, picking at the frayed edges of my sleeves.

"How I managed to travel all that distance I have no idea."

"I'm glad but what does that have to do with the records?"

"Well because I was so far away I went to a different home than the one I was in before, a much nicer one in London. I was in a weird state for a while, I don't actually have any memory of the first month or so there but remember realising some of my memories were gone."

Jess pats my knee.

"I'm sorry that must have been hard."

I shrug , "It was fine but when I realised where I was I went to the police for help. They weren't impressed that I couldn't remember his name, they thought I was making it all up."

Shock registers on her face.

"How could they think that?"

"I don't know but I told them to call my old orphanage and check the records so they did."

"And?"

"And they told me it had burned down a couple weeks ago, along with all the records it contained."

Her shoulders slumped, "So no name."

"So no name."

We sat in silence for a bit, letting the sound of the other customers and the distant traffic fill the quiet. I could tell she was processing what I had told her and trying to make sense of it for herself.

Eventually she spoke,

"I'm so sorry."

"S'okay." I shrugged, playing with the ends of my hair.

"No, Ryllis, look at me." I lifted my head,"I'm sorry that you hand to go through that, I'm sorry that you didn't have anyone to help you when you needed it, and I'm sorry that you think its your fault."

"Its fine." I croaked past the lump in my throat. Tears welled in my eyes but before they could fall Jess pulled me into her.

"No it's not, and you don't ever have to pretend like it is."

I sob into her shoulder, letting her words sink into the cracks of my broken heart.