Down The Rabbit Hole And What They Found There - [Bang Chan, Lee Know]

Fly Me To The Moon

🐺

Chan had always wondered what he would have done if he had failed as a singer. It is not an obsessive thought, but thinking about it now that his mind is slowly adapting to the reality of his life, he really asked himself where would he had been if he hadn't done that audition that day when he was still 12 years old, spurred just by his mom suggestion.

"They are doing some audition here, do you wanna try?"

"Oh, okay" he said.

He spent many nights wondering if his delayed debut disappointed his mom. His mind would spiral on where he did wrong. Was his mom wrong? How could she? Eomma knows best, right? Around the 6th year, he just started to slow down his efforts. Why should I even bother, at this point? Nothing is going to change anyway.

Even his calls with his family were shorter than usual.

"How you doing?"

"Oh, you know, all the same, just, working hard, they say they are about to form a new group soon, so I'll probably be leader of that, ahah, yeah, I'm the older here, ahah it's okay, how's berry? OH, HI BERRYYY!"

He really likes music. Even if sometimes he wondered if he just liked it because someone taught him that. "You should be an idol" and then he just- he followed that path? He's not sure. He remembers how sometimes he would just decide that he was meant to be a swimming teacher, destined to extinguish his debt with the company for years until his death. Maybe he was too young to just choose what he was going to do with his life, barely able to take a decision for himself, just moving to another country to pursue a career that he was not even that sure of.

Eventually, everything turned out fine. He's an exception, as many stays like to call him. But there's still a ghost on his back, nails tearing his skin apart to let sink inside the knowledge that no matter what, you are not enough, Bang Chan.

You are not enough, you need to work hard. You need to be perfect. You need to always have the correct answer quickly coming out of your mouth. You need to know what you are doing. Be charming. Be shy. Be quiet. Be loud. Be grateful. Be smug. Be perfect.

Choose wisely. Choose. Choose your members. Choose your team. Choose your fight. Red pill or blue pill? Rabbit hole? How deep could it be?

🌉

The walk to the hotel is different from the other times. If just yesterday they were glued to each other, once they get out of the building, they keep a safe distance. Chan knows why, and probably Alice too. Alan could be watching, same as the other guards, but his hand still itches to reach for her. His mind is still stuck on the words she said in the living room to his friends.

"Of course I like him! You do realize I'm here, right? Why would I take a 13 hours flight if I didn't like him?"

And even if it all makes perfect sense now, Chan still can't get himself to actually believe it. Because yes, she actually said it- just the night before, like a secret whispered over his lips, making his heart swell with joy - but probably didn't grasp on which extends she meant it. Because Chan had felt so delusional all this time, feeling like he got himself into the wolf's den. Holy fuck, is this how dating and relationships works these days? Being a hopeless mess until you eavesdrop what your crush actually think of you? It can't be. Now he understands why Felix is so fond of communication. Well, maybe he should just start to listen more... and believe her when she talks. Well, now is not the moment, probably.

Alan looked in his direction the moment his gaze fall on the other side of the street, tilting up his chin as to acknowledge how had followed his suggestion. Alan probably except for him to come closer and introduce the two, but honestly, Chan doesn't want to do that, so he briefly waves his hand in greeting and increase his pace, immediately followed by Alice on his right. She doesn't comment on the change of speed, and if she noticed Alan, she surely doesn't show any sign. The moment they turned the corner, hided from Alan inquisitive gaze, Chan releases the breath he was unconsciously holding and wrap an arm around her shoulder. She got startled for just a moment, before leaning against him.