Love Story: Amber & Larry

Chapter 11: Do I Love Him?

After we returned from Florida and all the hell that went down, he went back to work with AWP. COVID-19 became rapid. I was homeschooling Melanie at this point because they let kids go in and out of school towards the end of the year. It was preparing them to go full time. He became more distant the more he worked with AWP, he stayed on that path of becoming higher management even though there was no way too. I had to keep questioning if our relationship would make this. I still kept an eye on him day in and night as the wife that I put myself in this role.

But, I became more in tune to the Lesbian Community on the fact, I shouldn't be with him. My friends would question this of me. I lost love in Larry along the way, that is no lie. I lost my attraction to him and became numb to the pain I was feeling. A pain that was nothing new. He was chasing more than I could handle but writing had become my structure of hiding everything that was falling apart. Don't get me wrong I was very much protective over him when it came to the job, I cared enough to keep him safe but when he came home, I felt nothing. When he disregarded my feelings of going home to my Grandpa before he passed hit me hard. He didn't feel sorry or remorse for what he did. He went on to work and left me home in my own thoughts. Yes, I would say Good Morning and Good Night each day because he needed me with this job.

He was career driven like his dad taught him. Work until the day is done. It was also instilled into my brother in law too. Bryan was no better, he worked sun up to sun down. This is all these two knew from their dad. It was killing me though. I had nothing to show for my love to give him. I went to bed most nights crying because I missed my better half and I had no idea how to fix it. Most relationships suffer numbness, heartache and blows through the first year, no, it took us when he worked AWP for us to suffer. No one knew behind closed doors that I was hurting and not handling my man being away from home. On the outside, we had the whole world believing everything was smooth as ice cream on a Summer Day, in reality we were falling apart.

I got involved with the Lesbian Community more to hide what was going on. I would flirt and just be around the community to have fun, socialize and to distract from the heartbreak of my man choosing his work over me. Why? Because I did it when I would become single each and every time. Writing fixed part of the problems but socializing and flirting with women made it all fade. I was in my own world without making it seem like my relationship was near its breaking point. I never hid the fact from Larry that I was hanging out in those communities but I believe that hit him hard since he knew I was faithful, I'd never break his heart over a woman and I never did, I was able to be with a woman and him. I hid my emotions and became the worst version of myself by doing so.

We didn't bounce back from this year if it tells you anything. I did really wonder by the time Melanie started Middle School would he leave the job and be home with us. Did I really love this man who stole my heart all those years ago to be facing these blows. The Summer went by without anything major going on and same with the rest of the year. He worked non-stop while I stayed home to keep an eye on him while being a mom.