UNLEASHED

THE SCARS I HAVE...

Over the years, I learned to be there for myself whenever I had bad times or was in the deepest and darkest pit of depression and negative emotions. But when I was completely unaware of what was happening to me, why I was feeling that way, or why I was on the verge of a breakdown, it was really hard for me to bear all these feelings. I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into something unknown, but I didn't actually know what all these feelings were called, and I had no idea how to stop them. Yet one thing was for sure: these feelings were definitely not normal. Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. And I needed to save myself from it.

Every single day, I was having breakdowns. Negative emotions were swirling around me, making me confused, clueless, unfocused, and irritated. The most horrifying thing was that I stopped feeling emotions altogether. It didn't matter whether they were good or bad. The only thing left inside me was numbness—a cold numbness where I could imagine myself sitting in a dark corner of my mind, hands close to my chest, my body sunk to the floor, and I lay there breathless, with not a single emotion on my face except for all the dried tear stains. I knew it was wrong, but what could I have done other than be numb? What could a mere 14-year-old teen actually do? My teen self didn't even know what was going on with her at that time.I didn't or couldn't feel others' sadness, happiness, or even their tears! Day and night, only one thing surrounded me—the darkness and the urge to end it all at once. The only thing that helped me escape my parents' numerous questions was to make myself numb, fake a smile, and tell them that everything was fine. My mom called me a heartless and emotionless monster, and I couldn't agree more with her then because the only way I knew to escape that unwanted feeling was by closing myself off to all emotions. I built walls so high around my heart so that these unknown feelings couldn't reach me. And as they say, if you want to get something, you need to sacrifice something else for it. So I did. I sacrificed my genuine smile and replaced it with a fake one for my numbness, and now I struggle to bring it back.One day, it was finally enough. I realized my physical health was affected due to my mental health. I didn't know something like this could even happen. That day, I went to the terrace. I was upset, weak, clueless, and numb, but I wanted to be free forever. But something inside me made me stop from going forward, and then I regained my senses. I realized that I was at the edge of the terrace. Horrified at what I was about to do, I rushed back to my bedroom, took my phone, and searched for what was actually wrong with me. I searched and searched for two hours. I read hundreds of articles, and then slowly, it all made sense. My feelings finally made sense to me!Until that day, I never knew what depression actually was. I thought it was when one becomes way too suicidal, but I realized that is not the only case. Depression was those feelings, darkness, loneliness, and numbness I felt! It was the feeling of absolute sickness at the pit of my stomach. It was the heavy, constant tug on my heart. It was the constant suffocation of my breath. It was the laziness and drowsiness I felt despite being active. It was the breakdowns of my days. It was the tear-stained face of every night. It was the sickness I suffered because of my negative feelings. And lastly, it was my desire to be free from its clutch. I realized that unaliving was the last step anyone would take, but before that, depression is the accumulation of all other feelings we seem to ignore.When I realized my condition that day, I sank to the floor and finally cried out after two years. Maybe it was relief from finally identifying my feelings, knowing that it is something that happens to many people in this world, or maybe it was out of pity for myself for how I was feeling and holding it all together inside me.Then I searched again about it, but this time it was to fight against it. I couldn't ask for help from my parents and friends because I didn't want to stress them more than they already were, and I couldn't take professional help because it was COVID time and I had no money (I still don't have money). To fight against it, I started doing something that always made me happy since I was a kid but had stopped doing ever since I had depression—reading books and writing diary. Reading, writing and painting (though I'm not good at it) helped me escape those unwanted feelings and made me an empathetic person. My numbness was gone after a year, and my feelings came back slowly but surely. Though this depression is still there and I do feel negative sometimes (sometimes this feeling comes and stays for days), I don't stop thinking positively.The only difference between me and those who couldn't fight back against depression is, I feel, that I never gave up. Not ever. Day after day, I became aware of my own self, my feelings, and my emotions. I became a self-aware person. So I can now confidently say that I know myself more than anyone else. I don't struggle with making choices and decisions anymore because I try to understand myself.I know most of us in this world are sleepwalking, not knowing what to do or why we are even doing something. So I want to request you all that if I can battle back, then you can at least try to know yourself a bit more every day, can't you? In this way, you would avoid taking wrong decisions and making choices in your life that you might later regret. Please, for your own sake, know yourself. Loving yourself comes after knowing yourself because then you would know all your pain, scars, shortcomings, and especially your happiness.

So my readers, KNOW YOUR WORTH...

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things."   - MORRIE SCHWARTZ