Maybe, Maybe Not

34. Break?

She did not remember falling asleep, but when she opened her eyes, Nikko was sitting there on the bed with her, in his white t-shirt and shorts, watching her.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Hmmm? Nooo." He did but it was okay, she needed to get up. She rubbed at her eyes because they still burned from crying. "How long have you been here?"

"Just got home and came to see how you were." He leaned down to kiss her forehead. "You good?"

"No."

He slid into the bed with her and put his arms around her waist. "Want to tell me what's going on?"

She did not want to talk about it. Wanted it to all go away, but that was not how life worked out. She was married to a white man and the stares she would get from Black and white people always had her on edge. It was not quite the same, but why did everything have to be about race? She was a good person and she never did anything to warrant the wrath of that letter. This was not the Jim Crow South.

Right, this was the new America they were living in.

"Someone sent a very racist, evil letter to me today at work. It was horrible. I don't want to think about it again."

"It's that Sharon woman, right?"

She nodded her head at that. Even if they never found out, she knew it was her. How was she supposed to go back to work and face that woman again?

"We think so."

He squeezed her tighter in his arms. "You don't need to go back to that hostile environment. Fuck them! It just seems like that place doesn't make you happy, so why stay."

"I don't have a rich mother that would help me if I quit."

That made him sit up in the bed and she knew it was wrong to say. "The fuck? Kindy, you know my mom would not lend me a red cent if I fell on hard times. She taught me to be an independent man when needed. That's why she kicked my ass out when I dropped out. I'm not mad at that anymore. I made my own way and I will continue to make my own way."

"Well, adults need to work if they have bills to pay, and I have bills to pay."

"And you're living above your means. You're used to having your ex and having fancy clothes and that over-the-top apartment. You don't need all of that."

What the hell was he talking about? None of her lifestyle was over the top. So what she liked nice things? She was a grown woman and made her own money now. All her bills were paid, and that was good enough.

"I think you should quit your job," he said simply, then turned to her. "And move in here with me."

How could he even ask an asinine thing like that? She tossed the covers aside and got out of the bed.

"What? How is that such a wrong thing to ask?" He followed after her. "I love you. You love me. You're here all the time anyway, just move in."

"No."

"Can you just consider it? I make enough money so I can support us. Plus if my art sells..." He trailed off in that thought. "And you can go back to college to get the degree that gets you the job you want and not stay an assistant."

"Nikko, I am not having this conversation with you right now."

She looked around for her clothes to put back on but he seemed to have picked them up and moved them. He was talking nonsense. He sounded like her ex-husband right now. "Quit. I'll take care of you." That is what he said when he found out she was pregnant. And she listened and here she was with a guy almost half her age telling her what to do.

And she thought Nikko was different.

"Jakinda, what are you doing? Come back to bed, or at least let's finish this conversation."

She went into his closet, grabbed the first shirt that she saw, and put it on, no bra because she did not care. Here she was thinking everything was lovely in this relationship and now this bullshit. Another man trying to control her.

"Kindy, what are you doing? Come on, just talk to me."

She did not want to say anything or else she would curse his ass out. How dare he! She thought he would come home and comfort her, ease her worry, and yet, his solution was something that made her fall back to what she was running away from.

"Don't leave." He grabbed her arms as she tried to find pants. "I'm sorry, okay. If that's not what you want to do, I'm sorry I brought it up. Just talk to me okay."

She pried herself free from his arms, snatched up her pajama bottoms, and did not care. She just wanted to get out of there and be by herself right now.

"So you're not going to talk to me? Just up and leave and not even tell me what's wrong?"

Nikko stood in her way while she tried to pick up her shoes.

"Nikko, move."

"No! Talk about your feelings and what you are thinking of. Why do you think it's okay to just walk away like this? That solves nothing."

"Can I just go," she said and let out a frustrated sigh. "I don't want to be here."

Nikko grabbed her in a hug, squeezing her into him. She wanted to collapse in his arms and cry, then go back into bed and let him make love to her till all the absurdness of the day vanished away. She did not want to fight with him.

"Kindy, listen to me. I love you. We can sit and talk about this. Baby, just stay and I'll do whatever you need me to do."

"I just need to be by myself right now."

Nikko planted kisses on her lips. She gave in and opened her mouth to his kisses and let him take away her soul with his sweet kisses. She finally had to pry herself away from him.

"I need to go. Just be alone, okay."

"Okay. I'll drive you home."

"No, it's okay, I'll call an Uber."

"That doesn't make any sense. I got you."

"No! Nikko, just listen. I need some space...from us."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"I didn't say that. I need space. Let me go home to my place and just get out of my head for a moment. That's all. This isn't about you, it's about me right now and what I need. Can you just listen to me about that, and respect it?"

He slowly nodded his head. "I guess. Okay."

He still would not release her, so she had to pry herself from his arms. The look on his face hurt her, but this was not about him. It was about her.

"Nikko, this isn't about you okay. I still love you, I do...I just need to figure out what it is I want."

She gathered her things, and though dressed haphazardly, she had to get out of there. She ordered a ride on her app and decided not to wait in his place for it. She left without a word to him and waited downstairs.

What was she going to do?