Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
J- Stayc
Relationship- Platonic
Genre- Angst
Angst but I might make a fluff part two. This deals with religious guilt from a Christian perspective cause it's the one I have experience in. Also I do not know any of the Stayc members religious beliefs this is just a work of fiction.
Your P.O.V
I ran a hand through my best friend's hair, not really paying mind to the movie that was playing on my laptop screen. I looked down at her studying her face, she looked so pretty and peaceful. Her features were absolutely captivating even as she slept. Then my eyes trailed down to her lips, they looked so soft, I wonder what they would feel like against my own. I could just lean down and find out, even just a peck would be fine but as I did so I felt something hit my chest, it wasn't painful but I felt it. I looked down, it was my cross necklace. I can't believe I almost kissed J, a girl, while wearing a cross, that wasn't right. I moved her head from my lap and went to the opposite end of the bed and prayed for forgiveness.
The next morning I woke up to find J's arm wrapped around me, she was so close I could feel her breath fanning my face. My heart was racing at the position we were in but for her it was probably nothing, besides I wasn't supposed to feel that way about her. I needed to push those feelings away.
I got up and quickly got ready and sat at the desk in my room taking out my diary from the drawer. I couldn't tell anyone about my feelings for J so I wrote them down in hopes of getting them out of my head. It helped but only short term, maybe I need to pray more.
"Why didn't you wake me up?" J asked seemingly still groggy. Gosh her morning voice, I quickly pushed those thoughts away. "I didn't want to wake you." I answered, it was partly true. I turned to her, she was still laying in bed. "How thoughtful of you." She said half-jokingly. "Yeah. We should go get breakfast." I said. "Yeah we should. Let me get changed." She responded. I waited for her to finish and we both went downstairs, my parents already at the dining room table. The conversation at the table was lighthearted. My parents loved when J was over, they thought she was a good influence.
~Time skip~
I haven't spoken to J in a while. I've been avoiding her hoping it would help my feelings go away. I couldn't stay friends with her and push them away. But it didn't help, in fact now I thought about her twice as much. I felt so bad every time I walked away when she tried to talk to me but I had to do it, liking her was wrong. My parents, our church, they'd never accept me, after all it's a sin.
I sat in my art class. It was lunch but i wasn't in the mood for socialising. The door to the class opened and in walked J. She sat opposite and didn't say anything for a moment. "Why are you avoiding me?" She asked after awhile. "I'm not." I lied. "Y/N. What did I do?" She asked sadly. "Nothing, its not you its me." I said. "Bullshit. That's just a nice way saying you did something but I don't wanna hurt your feelings." She said angrily. I looked down not knowing what to say. "Just tell me what i did so we can work through this please, I miss my best friend." She pleaded. It shouldn't have hurt me so much to hear her call me that but it did. "I'm sorry I really am but we can't be friends anymore. I- I can't do it." I said sadly. I took my bag and left her in the room not bothering with my lunch anymore.
J's P.O.V
I was left stunned in the classroom. I wanted to go after her but knew it was pointless. I was about to leave when she noticed something on Y/N's desk. It was her diary, I knew I shouldn't have but I did anyway hoping to find out why she was avoiding me.
Dear Diary I saw J again today but this time she didn't see me so I didn't feel too bad about avoiding. I want to talk to her but I won't, I can't let the temptation win.
"What temptation?" I wondered
I wish she were a boy, or I was a boy whichever one, then liking her wouldn't be wrong, then we could be together. Unfortunately that's not how things are. I don't get why my feelings aren't gone, haven't I prayed enough, avoided her enough? Why do I still like her. Maybe I should tellsomeone but they'd all judge me. I'll just figure it out.
That was it. She liked me. I need to talk to her but how? She's avoiding me like I'm the freaking plague.
Your P.O.V
I was in the art class again finishing up a project. In walked J and I got deja vu. "I know why you're avoiding." She said as she sat across from me. "There's no way." I thought. "We can make this work, just please, I can't lose you." She said her voice full of desperation. "We can't it isn't right." I said. "But-" I cut her off. "I'm sorry J I wish things were different but they aren't. I can't- I shouldn't like you and I have to keep my distance." I said my voice firm but internally I wanted to cry. "If that's how you really feel then I won't force you." She said in resignation. "Here." She handed me a book then she left. I looked at it, it was my diary, I thought I lost it.
The next few weeks were like hell. J had gotten close to a new girl named Yoon and it felt like they were everywhere I was. Classes, the library, the school lawn, heck even at the grocery store. I couldn't help the jealousy that bubbled within me every time I saw them, even though I shouldn't be feeling it. I prayed and prayed yet the feelings refused to leave. It felt like torture, pure and utter torture.
I stepped into my musical theory class which of course I shared with J and Yoon. Our teacher Ms Kim wasn't there that day so people were just messing around. I sat with some of my other friends just chatting though I occasionally stole glances at J. I looked at her through the corner of my eyes but this time she caught me though she quickly averted her gaze back to Yoon. I noticed J whisper something in Yoon's ear before they left the class. It was stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but for some reason I followed them. They went to the back garden, one of the camera blind spots at school also known as the make-out spot. "Please don't tell me they're going to..." My thoughts trailed of as I watched them. I wanted to scream, tell J not to do it but I couldn't. Then it happened, my heart fell like it was being stomped on as I saw Yoon lean down and kiss J.
I couldn't do it. I got my bag and left school, musical theory was last period anyway so I wasn't missing out on anything important. Once I got home I flopped onto my bed and cried like I hadn't before. All my, anger, jealousy, frustration and sadness was let out at that moment. The twisted thing was, the only person that could calm me down was part of the reason I was so upset. A knock on my door momentarily brought me out of my wallowing. "Go away." I called out not even trying to cover up the sadness in my voice. The person clearly didn't care and entered anyway but I didn't bother looking up and continued wallowing in self-pity.
"Y/N what's wrong?" I recognized my older sisters voice. That just made me start crying all over again. I sat up and let her pull me into her arms. "I tried Sumin I really did. I pushed the feelings down, I prayed but nothing worked." I sobbed. "What do you mean? What's going on?" She asked. "Awhile ago I realised I liked J but I knew that it was wrong so I tried pushing away my feelings but it didn't work so I tried avoiding her and told her we can't be friends. But my feelings never left, then I saw her kissing someone else and I just- I don't know I feel so conflicted." I said. Sumin hugged me tighter. "It'll be ok maybe not now, but eventually things will get better. I do wanna say, religion, no matter what you practice shouldn't bring you so much pain it should comfort you. I'm not saying stop going to church but just take a moment to figure out why its hurting so bad." She said. I nodded taking her words into consideration. It'll be alright, eventually.
No photo for this chapter because I'm writing on my mom's laptop.
