Under Control (FreenBecky)

Chapter 11: Decision

Guided by an incomprehensible force, I walk away, my feet unpleasantly sinking into the shifting cold sand, knocking off my balance, forcing me to exert effort for each subsequent step. The wind pushes me in the back in gusts, making it clear that I am unnecessary here, tangles my hair, scattering it across my face, and whips away a lonely tear from my chin. I'm not a child to snot, and I'm already past the age of first falling in love, so, despite all the internal bitterness, my cheeks are almost dry, almost...

And yet, there is emptiness inside, a dark, cold emptiness. Having settled in my heart like a small wormy spot, it spread through me like a tsunami, filling me to the brim.

"Wait, where are you going in such a hurry?" Nam grabs my hand, turning me towards her, inquisitively glancing over my face, slightly wet eyes, flushed cheeks from covering emotions."What's wrong with you? Is it because of her?" she nods her head somewhere to the side, into the darkness, where, in her opinion, the brunette invisible to the eye should be "what the hell is going on between you, Freen?"

I turn away, not wanting to even demonstrate to her the momentary weakness that is so clearly imprinted on my face now, I noisily inhale the salty air through my nostrils, and answer, trying to add the necessary confidence to my voice.

"Nothing is happening, Nam! Where did you get the idea?" I want to turn to her, make a surprised expression on my face, as expected, for greater persuasiveness, but I can't. I stand there, turned away, unconsciously biting my lower lip, letting through the pain and resentment that arose suddenly, poking my nose at the feelings that had arisen in me that I had not previously suspected.

"Damn it! You are sleeping with her! How long, Freen?" my friend, as always, is more insightful than I thought, or am I a complete amateur, and my attempt to try on a mask of equanimity failed miserably.

"Recently. We're not sleeping. So... a little" she laughs somewhat hysterically, wrinkles her nose.

"A little, Freen? How is this even possible? Did you hear yourself? A little.."

" Calm down. Let's without moralizing" she snapped rather rudely, "I don't pretend to be an ideal woman, and, after all, she's an adult, and I'm not married, so everything is according to the law. Why are you so alarmed?" She looked at me silently, trying to understand my true feelings.

"I'm not alarmed. I'm just worried about you. Because of her, you want to break up with Billy, I don't think she's worth such a sacrifice" Nam took my hand, shaking me a little, as if trying to pull me out of this whirlpool, bring me to consciousness.  "Freen, she's just playing with you, and you, like a blind kitten, follow your instincts, not wanting to see the truth, open your eyes. I saw you today in the kitchen: you, disheveled, red, hastily straightening your shirt, and her, confident, smug, grinning at the back of your head as you disappeared into the bathroom. You are a pawn, Freen, and soon your role on her board will be fulfilled.

I didn't know how to comment on such a fiery speech, Nam definitely noticed everything that I stubbornly did not want to keep in my head. It seemed that she put into place all the confusion of my thoughts regarding our relationship with the girl.

I pulled her towards me, hugging her tightly "Thank you, Nam, you are a true friend and I really appreciate your concern" I deliberately took a long pause, emphasizing the significance of my words, "That's why, please, let me figure this out myself" I pulled away, looking into her eyes, smiled, "No one will get hurt, really, at least physically" she nodded, smiling softly in response.

I rubbed my throbbing temples. An unpleasant emotional explosion left its mark, causing a nasty, dull headache. "Can I go home?My head is pounding," I asked my friend, hoping for her understanding and not at all wanting to leave her here alone, but also not having the strength to be in anyone's company right now, even such a close person was no exception.