Heroin(e)

Chapter One

Suspended in the tiny beam of sunshine pushing through the window was a cloud of dust. When the sun hid behind a cloud it disappeared. I waited for it to come out again. I blew at the dust, the little particles swarming in every direction. 

Anything to take my mind off of it.

I wrapped my blanket tighter over my shoulders. It was right smack in the middle of January and I was freezing. The whole apartment was freezing but I couldn't afford to keep the heating on all the time. Food and rent were my first priority. 

And...other things...

I kept my eyes focused on the dust. I was bored out of my mind but I needed a distraction. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life and I was so close to breaking my promise because of it. But what an awful way to go. All alone in my cold apartment, no one finding me for days, maybe weeks. 

Scout would find me. I couldn't do that to him. He would die without me, he needed me. And I needed him. 

My alarm clock went off. 

For days now I had been waking up before it. Some days I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't. Instead I would sit on the floor and sing poorly to myself or play one of my few records. Scout would sit with me and comfort me on harder days. Days where the urge was so strong I wasn't sure I could make it. Days where my friends' voices would ring in my ears on repeat.

It's not dangerous if you know what you're doing, Essie.

Everyone starts at this age. 

Don't wave it around, you'll get us in trouble!

Don't tell anyone. The adults won't understand. They never do.

I used to listen to those voices. What a big fucking mistake that was.

Grabbing a set of clothes and a wool coat, one of my few luxuries, I went into the bathroom quietly so as not to wake Scout up. Tossing the blanket to the floor I stepped into the ice water of my shower. 

That was one way to wake you up. Not like I needed it. 

The pain of the water piercing my skin took my mind off the pain I felt in my heart. I had to move on someday, may as well make it today. I had bills to pay and mouths to feed. If I let my feelings get the best of me, I couldn't work. And if I couldn't work, I'd be back on the streets. Fuck that. 

I got out as quick as I could. I toweled myself off and squeezed all the water out of my hair into a puddle on the floor. I'd clean it all later, right now I had to get dressed for work. 

Well, dressed for the commute to work. I'd change once I got there.

Slipping on an old, faded pair of jeans and a t shirt I left my hair to air dry. I put the wool coat on as quick as I could. Scout was still sleeping when I came out of the bathroom and grabbed my bag. Heavy as always. It was getting harder to carry it lately. Due to circumstances that were not my fault and...others that were, I'd been losing weight. My bones poked through a little and I got tired easily. But I wouldn't let that stop me. I wouldn't let anything stop me, or anyone. 

Not wanting to wake my little angel up I stood by the door and watched him sleep. My beautiful Border Collie gifted to me by my mother years ago. He was all I had left now. I refused to let anything happen to him. His food was running low, his bowl almost empty. I'd have to go shopping after work. 

"Goodbye, my boy. I'll be back soon."

He didn't respond. He only snored.

Opening the door as quietly as I could, I slipped outside and closed it after me, locking it. It was even colder outside. I hurried through the halls and down the stairs, only taking my hands out of my pockets when I needed to, such as to grab a handrail or open the gate. The booth was empty and I could only assume Barney, the man who worked there, was taking the day off. It was too cold to be out here. No one would even dare leave their apartment so why should Barney be here to let them back in?

Well, Barney better be back to let me in if he knows what's good for him. 

The sun took shelter behind the clouds again and vanished completely. I was left to the dark and the cold. My kind of company. Humming the Blondie songs I'd been listening to hours before while crying, I went to work.