Heroin(e)

Chapter Ten

I could still feel the embarrassment color my cheeks. 

Seeing Bon find out where I worked was bad enough. But tripping over myself and ruining my dance routine was another. That I couldn't shake off. 

What was Bon in relation to me? Were we friends by now? We must be; you don't share a drink and a smoke with someone talking about whatever comes to mind with just anyone. At least, I sure didn't. I hadn't had an interaction like that with a friend in years.

I hadn't had a friend in years. 

My old friends left one way or another. They got married or moved away or something. And me...well, I did other things. 

I double checked to see if the drawer was still closed. 

I thought about the way Bon kissed my cheek before he left the club. Did friends do that kind of thing? The only time I kissed anybody was in relationships. And how did the kiss make me feel?

Nothing. I felt nothing for him.

The kids at school would go crazy over those teen magazines sold at the paper stand. Gorgeous heartthrobs would grace the glossy covers and both boys and girls alike would comment on how 'hot' they looked.

I went along with it. But I didn't understand what they were talking about. 

Whenever I had a crush on a boy my friends would joke about us sleeping together. It wasn't uncommon for kids our age to sneak away to bedrooms at parties and have a little forbidden fun. But I just wanted to talk. I wanted someone to have a conversation with, someone I could laugh with. But they wanted something else and sometimes...I gave in.

What did Bon want from me? What did I want from him?

I rolled over to face Scout who was sitting beside the couch, staring at me. I reached over to pet him. "What do you think, my beautiful boy?" Scout didn't answer. At least, not out loud. I pet behind his ears and let him sniff my hand. I couldn't believe I had given Bon my phone number. But if we wanted to stay friends we couldn't just keep guessing where the other one was all the time, right? Calling was a safe bet to know where your friends would be and make plans to hang out with them. But he'd never call me. Why would he?

I liked Bon. A lot. But I really wondered if I liked him the way I was supposed to. He's a man and I'm a woman. Logically we'd develop feelings over time and end up dating. Right? I felt like a little kid learning about boys for the first time. 

I closed my eyes and began to daydream.

**********

The music flooded the house and the air was stuffy and sweaty. Kids littered the house along with red plastic cups, cans of beer, and broken potato chips. Maria really knew how to throw a party. She'd have the wildest parties on the block and invite the whole school. And the best part was that her parents never found out since they were always gone.

I hung out by myself in the corner. I had a red cup with fruit punch but I didn't really drink any of it. I just wanted something to occupy my hands. The other kids from my high school got along really well with each other. They all had similar interests. I stayed on the side lines. 

Since grade school I had grown out of looking like a child and started looking like a young woman. The excess weight dropped off and my chest got bigger. My hips got bigger and my legs got a lot longer. Much to the benefit of the growing boys in my class. 

They would look at me as I walked down the hall and whisper. Some would blush and wave and others would outright whistle. I didn't like the whistling. But getting attention after being ignored for years was very nice. The other girls started being a little nicer to me and invited me to sit with them during lunch. Mom was pleased I was making so many new friends. 

Now here I was at Maria's party all by myself. No guy had asked me to dance and I was too shy to ask one of them. Instead I sipped from my cup and watched everyone else have fun.

"What's a pretty girl like you sitting all by yourself for?" I looked up to see a beautiful boy named Marty staring down at me. He wasn't the most popular boy in school but he may as well have been. Straight A student, jock, vice president of the school council, and a terrific chess player all rolled into one handsome package. And he was talking to me. I almost choked on my punch. "Care to join me upstairs to talk?" Mom had warned me about boys. She told me to never let one do what he wanted to me without my consent, no matter how much he wanted to. But all Marty wanted to do was talk, right? And I had nothing better to do so I followed him upstairs and into one of the empty bedrooms.

We talked at first. But when Marty held my hand and kissed my neck I knew it was over. I gave my consent and we ended up in bed. I never expected my first time to be at a high school party. I had pictured getting married to someone I loved with all my heart and sharing our first time together. 

When it was over I sat up in bed and pulled the covers over myself. Marty tried wrapping his arms around me and holding me but I pulled away from him. "What's wrong?" he asked with concern. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," I said and to tell the truth, he didn't. It wasn't like the dirty movies depicted at all. It just...was. Not unpleasant but nothing I was anxious to do ever again. Oh sure, Marty was real gentle and kind and he took things slow. But....I didn't love Marty. I had only just met him and I felt nothing. I excused myself to the bathroom and took one of the sheets with me to cover myself. 

I sat there on the toilet and spent the rest of my night crying. And I wasn't sure what for. Marty knocked on the door a few times but I ignored him. Eventually he left. I never saw him again.

**********

The telephone scared me so bad I shot up on the couch and almost fell off. I had fallen asleep and didn't realize until the loud ringing woke me up. Scout was up in an instant checking on me. His wet nose touched my face and I gave him a few calming pats on the back. "I'm okay, Scout," I yawned. He followed me to the telephone. It was an old yellow thing I had picked up at a yard sale. The paint was peeling and the ring was shrill. But it worked like it was brand new. Picking it up I yawned unattractively into the phone. "Hello?"

"Did I wake you up, hon?" I flushed. As if a bucket of ice water had been poured on my head, I was wide awake and alert. 

"No, not at all," I said. "How....how are you?"

"Can't complain," Bon said. I heard pots and pans clanging in the background. "Sorry 'bout that. I'm at a friend's house. Been helpin' wash up." I twirled the phone cord nervously. I couldn't believe he actually bothered to call me. Was I still dreaming? Scout stepped on my bare foot with his paw and I yelped in pain, hopping up and down. Nope, definitely not dreaming. "You alright?"

"I'm fine, yeah, just...my dog is all."

"You have a dog?" Bon's voice sounded excited. "Could I see him sometime?"

"Sure, sure," I said, the pain slowly receding. Scout went back to bed and started licking himself, not having the foggiest that he just injured my foot. "He'd love to meet you."

"An' what about you?" he asked. More pots and pans. 

"What about me?"

"Could I see you sometime?" I didn't know what to say. Was he asking me out on another date? Or was this just a little get together as friends? I wanted to see him again. But I didn't want to send him the wrong message. I still didn't know what I felt for him and if he felt one way and I felt another...I sighed. "Is that a no?"

"No! No, I was just....thinking. Uh...." I thought back to work the other night. How I had gotten a 'dizzy spell' and was forced to take a break from dancing. Before I left I told Celine I wasn't feeling well and she let me go. If I called in sick I might have a chance to hang out with Bon instead. I'd be losing money but just one night couldn't hurt. "I'd love to see you again."

"That's great!" he said and I smiled. "Work won't mind?"

"Not at all," I said.

"I'll see you at the diner in an hour, alright?"

"See you there." With a cheerful goodbye, Bon hung up the phone. I hung up too and looked at Scout who was chewing on his tail. "How'd you like to come with me?"