Space Daddy - Intergalactic Kink Dating For Dummies

Intergalactic Dating For Dummies

Anne watched the app download icon spin, feeling a mix of curiosity and skepticism. When it finally finished, a bright, colorful screen filled with stars and planets greeted her. In the center was a large button that read, "Start Your Intergalactic Adventure!" She chuckled softly, half-expecting to hear a cheesy spaceship sound effect when she pressed it.

She tapped the button, and a new screen appeared with an even larger button that caught her eye: "Intergalactic Kink Dating for Dummies."

Anne snorted. "Really?" she muttered to herself. It was bold, borderline insulting, but... also oddly charming. Her thumb hesitated for a moment before she clicked it. Immediately, a cheerful, slightly condescending voice began speaking, and text appeared on the screen in bright neon letters:

"Welcome, Earthling!

So, you've stumbled into the exciting, confusing, and occasionally tentacle-filled world of Intergalactic Kink Dating. Don't worry, we know things might be a bit overwhelming for your human brain, but that's why we're here! Let us guide you through the basics, so you don't accidentally end up married to a Zorgon Beast or promise your eternal servitude to a K'tharkian Lord (unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing).

Step 1: Setting Up Your Profile! Use words, images, or even scented pheromones (just kidding, humans can't do that yet) to express who you are and what you're looking for. Be honest, be bold, and remember: Your perfect match could be from another galaxy!

Step 2: Filtering Your Potential Matches! To narrow down your intergalactic search, you can filter your candidates by species, preferred dynamics, number of limbs, or whether they have mind-reading capabilities.

Important Note: Not all species communicate verbally. Be prepared for some telepathic, holographic, or multi-sensory exchanges. (Yes, that includes taste and smell... don't ask.)

Step 3: Understanding the Unique Needs of Your Partners! Many of our intergalactic daters have specific needs or preferences. For example, the Glorpak race loves a good game of emotional chess, while the Vortexians require at least 32 hours of interpretive dance before even considering a second date. Please check individual profiles for more details!

And remember, Earthling... respect is universal! If you feel a connection with a candidate, make sure to communicate clearly and be aware of any... unique cultural norms they might have. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it! Even humans do eventually."

Anne chuckled as she read through the instructions, feeling her curiosity grow with each passing line. It was clearly written with a sense of humor, but also with a hint of paternalism—like they were trying to gently guide a child through something complicated. "Alright, alright, I get it... Humans are a bit slow," she muttered with a smile. This promised to be a better distraction than she had hoped.

She continued scrolling, noticing sections for "Species Compatibility," "Kinks Across the Cosmos," and even a "What to Do if You're Abducted (By Accident... or On Purpose)." Each topic seemed more ridiculous than the last, but she was ready for some interaction, so she opened her profile and added some information about herself.

"Tired of Earth and especially Earth men. Ready to leave and never look back with a worthy, naturally dominant male alien. No tentacles, please. Two arms and legs preferred."

Anne laughed out loud as she read back her profile description, shaking her head at how ridiculous it all sounded. "Two arms and legs preferred... I must be losing it," she muttered to herself, amused by her own boldness. She wondered if the AI would actually use her preferences to tailor the chats, or if this was all just a clever way to waste time.

With a grin, she decided to dive into the profiles and see what this "Intergalactic Kink Dating" app had to offer.

The first profile popped up with a bright picture of... what looked like a giant sentient mushroom. The text read:

Name: SporeMaster Xylox
Looking for: A fertile human female to carry my spores and birth thousands of our offspring. Will provide a comfortable, moist habitat and nourishing mulch.
Special Skills: Spore dispersal, telepathic communication through mycelium networks, and an appreciation for fine Earth music (I love Mozart!).
Dealbreaker: No fungal allergies, please.

Anne stared at the screen, her eyes wide. "Uh, yeah, no thanks," she said, swiping left quickly.

The next profile featured an alien that looked like a tall, translucent jellyfish in a suit.

Name: Dr. Glur'thak, PhD in Cosmic Studies
Looking for: A patient and understanding human who is willing to teach me about the art of domination. I'm new to this and eager to learn!
Special Skills: Glowing in the dark, multitasking with multiple tentacles (only for household chores), and a keen interest in Earth literature.
Dealbreaker: Must be okay with bioluminescent displays during moments of stress or excitement.

Anne laughed out loud. "So creative! Some strange nerd had lots of fun creating all this," she murmured as she swiped left again.

Next up was a photo of a towering alien with scales and four eyes, posing dramatically on a mountaintop under a sky with three moons.

Name: Grakthar the Mighty
Looking for: A fierce warrior to join me in battle and also perhaps... light foot massages?
Special Skills: Conquering small planets, epic poetry, and collecting rare interstellar butterflies.
Dealbreaker: Weak ankles or an aversion to long, brutal intergalactic conquests.

"Yikes, a little too intense..." Anne muttered, quickly moving on. She was about to close the app and call it a night when she remembered the filter option. "Alright, let's see if I can narrow this down," she thought, tapping on it.

A series of options unfolded before her, displaying a surprising array of categories. She quickly scrolled through, looking for something more in line with what she wanted: Humanoid... Dominant... She selected both filters, hoping this would weed out the sentient mushrooms, jellyfish in suits.

Next, she saw a section titled "Your role"

Slave
Breeder
Food (yikes)
Mistress
Pet

Anne stopped at "Pet," raising an eyebrow. It wasn't something she'd considered before—being a "pet" to an alien—in a human dynamic she saw herself as a sub, but in this context...somehow, it felt... fitting. In a dynamic with an advanced alien species, what was she if not a pet?

Anne smirked. "Pet, huh?" she whispered, amused by the thought and by how much she was into this silly little game. With a shrug, she tapped the option, selecting it.

"Well, let's see what kind of 'owners' are out there," she murmured to herself, settling back into her pillows as the app began to load her newly filtered matches.