Beyond: Beyond the Lights

Chapter 19

JAMES

I was deep into studying when I noticed Madi hadn't returned. She'd been so focused and engaged earlier, so her sudden disappearance was unusual. I figured she might be taking a break, but as the minutes ticked by, I began to worry.

I decided to check outside for her, but as I walked past the newspaper stand, a flash of the campus paper caught my eye. The headline screamed Local Football Star's Troubling Past Exposed, and I felt a chill run down my spine. My heart sank as I saw my own mugshot, the one from high school, right there on the front page.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The article detailed my arrest for drug possession. While it was true that I had never sold drugs and didn't have a drug problem, seeing that past dredged up in such a public way was jarring. I realized with a sinking feeling that Madi must have seen it.

The eyes on me weren't the admiring gazes of fellow students or the occasional nod of recognition anymore. They were now filled with judgment, curiosity, and-worst of all-pity. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. People were looking at me differently, and Madi had disappeared without a word.

As I stood there, trying to make sense of the situation, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. I had kept my past hidden to protect those I cared about, including Madi. I didn't want her to see me through the lens of my mistakes. But now, with the truth out in the open, I couldn't ignore the fact that I owed her an explanation.

I thought of my late wife, the one who had been my rock and guiding star. In moments like these, I often looked to the sky, hoping for a sign or guidance from her. I knew she would have wanted me to be honest and upfront with those I cared about, especially someone like Madi, who had become so important to me.

I walked away from the newspaper stand and looked up at the sky, searching for a sign, a whisper of reassurance. "What should I do?" I asked quietly, feeling the weight of the decision on my shoulders.

The sky remained silent, but the answer felt clear. I needed to talk to Madi. I needed to tell her the truth about my past, about why I'd kept it hidden, and about my feelings for her. I wanted her to know that despite the mistakes I'd made, I was trying to be a better person. I owed her that much.

Kian: Where r u?

Kian: Jamie?

Kian: J, call me when u can

Kian: Dude, pick up

Kian: I'm here for u, always, J. Ur not a bad guy, the publisher's a pos. Love u.

Once the initial shock wore off, and the ninth call sent to voicemail, I checked the messages from Kian, the tightening in my chest released slightly as I typed up a quick reply to my brother from another mother.

Me: I'm all good. I was studying with Madi at the coffee shop, but she disappeared. I went looking for her and found the paper. Need to tell her the truth. I'll call you when I find her. U good, K?

Within seconds, my screen lit up again, giving me that sign in which I needed from both Caroline and Noel.

Kian: Do whatever u need to do. I've got ur back, J. Always. Keep me posted, I'll keep an eye on Mar. Good luck, tiger.

With resolve solidifying in my chest, I knew I had to find her and explain everything. I didn't know how she would react, but I hoped she would understand. More than anything, I hoped she would be ready to hear me out, to give me a chance to show her who I really was and how much she meant to me.

I walked back to the coffee shop, hoping that Madi might still be nearby since my calls were going straight to voicemail. I'd keep searching and trying to reach her until I found her. I had to make things right, to be honest and vulnerable, and to face whatever came next with the same courage I had shown on the field.

After realizing that Madi had disappeared, I felt a knot of urgency tighten in my chest. I needed to find her, to explain the truth and show her how much she meant to me. I retraced my steps, thinking of every place Madi had mentioned liking over the past few months.

I started with the campus library, where she had once mentioned spending hours studying. I scanned the tables and nooks but found no sign of her. I then made my way to the botanical garden, a place she'd mentioned she liked to visit for some peace and quiet. The paths were tranquil, but she wasn't there.

Next, I headed to the café where we had met before. I asked around, but the baristas hadn't seen her recently. I continued on to the art gallery, where she'd talked about the latest exhibit she was excited about. I walked through the rooms, hoping to catch a glimpse of her among the visitors, but she wasn't there either.

My search continued to her favorite study spots around campus, including the quiet corners of the student lounge and the park bench she liked, and of course, the animal shelter, where we had spent various hours together over the past few months. Each place brought a fresh wave of frustration, as I still couldn't find her.

By the time I got to her dorm building, it was getting late. I felt a pang of hope as I approached the front desk. I asked if they had any information on where Madi might be. The receptionist, recognizing me from previous visits, was sympathetic but couldn't provide details without Madi's consent.

Desperate, I decided to reach out to Elena. I texted her, hoping she might know where Madi had gone. A few minutes later, Elena replied with their shared dorm room number, explaining that she hadn't seen Madi since earlier but thought she might be back in the room.

With renewed determination, I made my way to the dorm floor where Madi's room was located. My heart raced as I walked down the hall, each step feeling heavier with anticipation. When I finally reached her door, I took a deep breath and knocked softly.

"Madi?" I called out. "It's Jamie. Can we talk?"

There was a moment of silence, and my nerves began to fray. I knocked again, a little louder this time. "Madi, please. I just want to explain everything. I know you saw the newspaper and I need to talk to you."

After what felt like an eternity, the door creaked open slightly. I could see a glimpse of her face, tired and red from crying. Her eyes met mine, and I saw the hurt and confusion in them.

"Madi, I-" I started, but the words caught in my throat.

She looked down, her expression a mix of sadness and vulnerability. "Jamie, I... I don't know what to say."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice. "I know the newspaper was a shock. I should have told you about my past before it came out like this. I never meant to hide it from you, but I wanted to protect you from the pain of my mistakes."

Madi's eyes were filled with tears as she struggled to process everything. "Why didn't you just tell me? Why did you keep it from me?"

"I was afraid," I admitted. "Afraid of how you'd see me, afraid of losing you before we even had a chance. But I should have trusted you enough to be honest. You mean so much to me, and I didn't want to risk that by hiding my past."

I took a step closer, my heart aching to bridge the gap between us. "I care about you, Madi. More than you know. I want to be honest with you and show you who I am now. Please, just give me a chance to explain and to prove that I'm not defined by my past."

Madi looked at me with a mixture of skepticism and hope. After a long moment, she stepped aside and opened the door wider. "Okay. Let's talk."

I walked into her room, feeling a small sense of relief mixed with the weight of the moment. As we sat down, I knew that this conversation was just the beginning of mending the rift that had formed. But I was ready to face whatever came next, to be honest and vulnerable, and to hopefully find a way forward together.