Brake check- autistic Oscar Piastri, ADHD Lando Norris

9: sharing secrets

TW-ableism/ ignorance about autism

Oscar's POV:

Still enjoying summer break whilst I could, I slept in all morning and didn't get out of bed until late afternoon. I hoped that Lando had been able to tell Carlos about the ADHD and that it had all gone well. He hadn't messaged or anything, but that didn't really make it obvious which way it had gone. I decided not to message; last night had showed he would if he needed to and I didn't want to overstep. I knew what it was like when someone became patronizing, we were both kind of dealing with it at McLaren at the moment.

More people knew about my neurodivergence than Lando's. Basically anyone I had anything to do with at this point. They were all sworn to secrecy and I'd been promised that if there was some kind of leak, I'd be supported through it. Most of them were good about it, some people acted a little strangely. And there were a couple I'd flagged to Kim but getting the support had made such a massive difference already. That breathing deep for the first time had done me so much good. It made me sad to see it hadn't done the same for Lando.

But I remembered what the first time had been like. How scary it really is. It still haunted me. The things that happened that I'd tried desperately to forget about. Lando didn't know about it, but no one did. Not Mark, not my mum, absolutely no one. Lando didn't need anymore evidence that it could go wrong.

It was still really only his core team that knew and even then, from what I understand, Lando will only actually discuss it with Jon, Will and Kasper. The only one of his friends that knows is Max (although from what Lando told me, Max pretty much already knew as his roommate for half the year) and none of his family do. Which is why I really hoped golf with Carlos had gone well. If it didn't, I was worried Lando might refuse to tell anyone else. And the he might stop talking about it, even with me.

I know how much damage that did to me, I'm not sure I can watch him put himself through that. I mentioned it to Mark the other week. He knows about it too, like my mum does. Lando said that was okay considering how close I am to him and then how close they are to me. He trusts me that I trust them.

Lando's POV:

I thought it would be easier to just get it out the way and say it almost immediately as I got there. But then Carlos launched immediately into William's talk and pretty much didn't shut up about it.

We were 2 holes in by the time he asked me how things were. "Uh, they're okay."

"McLaren are fast at the moment no?"

"Yea, it's been really good. But uh, yea, there's something I wanted to tell you."

"What?" He paused, smiling at me and then his face dropped, "you are not leaving McLaren?"

"No, nothing like that.

"Ah, you finally have a girlfriend?" He punched me in jest and I laughed it off.

"No, I umm, well." I couldn't tell him. He was going to hate me!

"What?" He looked at me concerned and started sifting through his golf bag for the club he wanted.

"Oscar really struggled after Hungary and uh he's getting an autism diagnosis."

"Autism?!"

"Yea." Shit, that wasn't a good reaction. Oscar's was so much more believable than mine and he was still questioning it. I couldn't tell him, no I couldn't. I'd just have to wait longer. Maybe when he got used to things with Oscar then I would be able to tell him.

"Oh right, and he's okay?"

"Yea, he's okay. The team are doing a bunch of autism training and they're giving him more support."

"Like what?" He started lining up his shot but waited, looking back to me for an answer.

"He's got some ear defenders that he uses and they're going to get him some McLaren branded ones and he uses those fidget toy things."

"Forgive me for asking, but he doesn't look autistic no?"

"No, but he like hides it really well."

"Ah right, that makes sense. Is he more like autistic away from the media and fans?" I paused whilst he took a shot and we were momentarily distracted from the conversation as we talked about how poor of a shot it had been and tried to work out exactly which tree it had landed in. "So is he?"

"I don't think that's there's such thing as more autistic, but he doesn't hide it as much anymore away from everyone else. I think he's learning not to because it takes a lot to do it and it affects him mentally, like his mental health." Some of what I said was from things Oscar and actually told me, other parts of it were based a little on or shared experiences and it hurt to hear him react that way to something I was also dealing with.

"Ah, I will have to try and work out all this new language then."

"I don't know if he'll want to talk about it? He's still getting used to it and doesn't really want the public to know." It was then it dawned on me how badly I'd gone and fucked this all up. Without Oscar's permission, I'd blabbed to Carlos about something so personal and I'd betrayed the trust we'd been building. He was going to hate me. I'd messed this up all over my stupid fucking anxiety again. Why couldn't I be brave like Oscar? Oscar who races through a broken rib and working out he's autistic for the first time and having to block out sounds that are way too much all weekend. Oscar who can tell people he is the way he is, that he needs a break, that he's not happy with what is happening. Oscar who is so good at just being him and managing everything.

"I can understand, still I'll do some research, I should know more, no?"

"Well you aren't exactly close?" I said, hoping that would mitigate the situation.

"No, but he is your teammate and he's on the grid." At least that's was positive. At least he cared enough to try and learn. At least maybe, one day, he'd know enough to realise for himself I wasn't normal either.

"Yea, I guess."

"You going to take a swing?" I smiled meekly and stepped up to the tee I'd placed during our conversation. I tried steadying myself, I tried focusing, I tried to think about what my life would be like if I didn't consistently fuck everything up.

A/n Hello! Looking forward to some more racing this weekend. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!