Adore~ an Alias Grace fanfic~

Part 11

Grace

When I wake up I am laying on the couch next to where you sat last night with a quilt on top of me.
I am not cold and there is so much space.
Jamie walks in, "Grace, why are you down here?"
"I wasn't able to sleep so I came down to read." I don't know why I lie.
"You read?"
I shrug, "sometimes."
"What did you read?" But there wasn't any interest it was more... suspicion?
I have no reason to lie but if I take it back now will it seem strange? I am married to this man I should honor that vow atleast with honesty.
"I actually did not get to after all because Dr. Jordan was already here and so we spoke for some time."
He raises a brow, "you and the doctor were awake talking last night?"
"Yes, that is what I said."
"Do not be smart with me, Grace," his voice rises, "that is completely inappropriate for you to occupy time with a man at such a late hour— and while I am asleep and completely unaware in our bed!"
I nod because what he says is true. I should not have followed you in here and I should not have spoken to you so late at night without Jamie present, he is my husband.
"What? Will you not say anything?" He comes closer and I stand from my seat.
"I am sorry, James, I should have been more considerate." My voice is level. This kind of situation may be rare but the signs of what could come next have never escaped my memory.
"Don't 'sorry' me, Grace, it'll get you nowhere! I am so fed up with your cowering and complaining I have had enough!"
I nod.
"And those fabrics! He's gone and bought you fabrics? Don't think you could've hidden them from me with them all tucked away in your drawer, Grace. You really are dull."
"James—"
He steps but closer, no more than a foot from me, "I am a man, I can buy you fabrics and sewing things or whatever the fuck you want! Don't go blabbering on to your doctor about how I am such a terrible husband who can't provide something so trivial to his wife!"
I shake my head, "I never did that, James—"
The back of his hand meets my face. I fold into myself.
At first he was proud but after realization washes over him he looks almost surprised with himself.
I straighten myself up, "if you do that one more time, Jamie, I swear you will never see me again." I say it with ice between my words and he is silent.
I walk out of the room and outside to the field with grass and flowers.
Yes, he had blown up before, and thrown things around the room in his rage but I never thought he could hit me. He'd grabbed me, yanked my arms, but never this.
My shoulders sag and my eyes burn. I begin to sob.
This boy had such beautiful love in him but where is it now? This arrangement at one time brought warmth to my heart. I may not have loved him how a wife should but I felt that in time I could because his soul was pure and good and kind and generous. He was the one boy I could find myself loving in such a way in my future but was I wrong? If anyone else had shown interest I would have cut it off immediately but with Jamie? No, Jamie was the exception because I truly truly loved him more than any person since Mary.
Now it is as if he is just the shell of who he once was. He is the wolf that wears my dear sheep's cloth because no matter my hope and no matter the love I may pour out, my Jamie is dead and is haunting me in the shape of a monster.