I expected the pain to come this morning, and if not, the numbness. I waited for it, bracing myself, but then, nothing.
It was quiet. Just glancing around my room, that was quiet too. For once, my mind seemed to be at a quiet ease.
And that in itself was a slippery slope. I didn't trust it to last. It was an edge I couldn't handle if I fell off of, but instead of forcibly trying to focus on the risks, I buried those polluting thoughts into the catacombs of my mind.
My room, for once, didn't feel like a grave site either. Most of my sketches I burned, and what was left, was tucked away, leaving a naked wall. My hand itched to cover it up with new memories, but I also knew, I wasn't ready yet. The last time I picked up a paint brush or a pencil, I was happy. It felt too much of a risk to try mimicking that feeling again.
But I chose to push away those thoughts for now, when I got dressed, and when I went downstairs for coffee. Today I felt somewhat. . .light. Unburdened would be the right word. I kind of for once felt like I could even go so far as say I could enjoy today. Maybe I wouldn't have to remind myself to seem interested or force a smile on that says, "I'm fine. I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me." But I also wasn't gonna take the chance to set myself up for disappointment.
Downstairs, in the kitchen, Kimi and Charlie were talking with each other at the breakfast table, and surprisingly, were playing Scrabble. Which was a new sight. Their conversation immediately seemed to grow hush though the second I walked in the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee.
Coffee always managed to make me feel a little bit better, even on the worst of days.
I tried to ignore them staring. For once, it didn't bother me. I also couldn't blame them. I didn't usually eat breakfast anymore, or go in the kitchen all the much. I kind of avoided it altogether, because that meant talking, but today, I don't know. I felt kind of. . .good?
"You're. . .up?" Kimi asked me unsurely.
I raised a brow at her, looking around unsurely as if maybe she was talking to someone else when I realized she was looking at me, pouring myself some coffee, "Uh—yeah?"
She seemed to be in a state of shock. Charlie quietly sipped his coffee, his eyes shifting from Kimi and then back to me.
Kimi seemed to blink back into reality again, "Um, you hungry? I can make breakfast, if you are."
