The Love That Isn't Mine

IX. Only Friends

"I hate you both for lying to me." Naiiyak na sabi ko kay Ino at kay Jesse. "I fought for the two of you, I am always fighting alongside you with whatever battles you have and I stand beside you always. And here I am, you can't even tell me... this!"

Parang mabibiyak yung puso ko.

Sometimes brokenhearts just didn't come from romantic relationships. It came from people who holds your heart dearly. It came from people you love the most.

And they are breaking my heart so much right now.

I had known them most of my life.

"Nicole." Tinry hawakan ni Ino yung braso ko pero umatras na ako at dumiretso sa pinto.

"Nic." Tawag ni Jesse.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating sa elevator. Pero naramdaman ko na lang na nanghina ang tuhod ko at para akong batang napasalampak at humagulgol.

Was I wrong? Was I in the clouds? Was I overly confident and arrogant?

I realized one thing, I never did move on from that scar.

I thought what I built was The Great Wall of China. Hindi na matitibag. Mali pala ako. It was fake. It was just a facade.

That fat kid with too many acne was still inside me. And it would be forever me.

I never forgave Gabby.

I never forgot her antics.

It wasn't just her, yes. But she was always behind it. At every turn. I grew up hating her so much.

I was sixteen when I learned the news that she would be going to College in Manila. And she would get her Masters abroad. Those were her plans.

Sinagot na ni Lord ang prayers ko.

Gabby would be gone. Gabby, the President of Student Council. Gabby, the dancer. Gabby, the beauty and brains.

Growing up, naiinggit lang ba ako kay Gabby?

Because she shines so bright and I always try so hard to blend in the shadows.

I started crying so hard. Mali ba ako? Masyado ba akong pa-victim? Masyado ba akong kinain ng insecurities ko? Masyado ba akong...

Masyado ba akong kinain ng inferiority complex ko?

I sobbed so hard that I couldn't breathe.

Naramdaman ko na lang na may humawak sa balikat ko. "Naiiyak mo na ba lahat?"

Through my tear-stricken face, I could see Marcus. Itinayo niya ako. Wala na akong lakas. Sunod sunuran lang ako. Hindi ko napansin na nasa kotse na kami nito at nagda-drive na ito.

At umiiyak pa din ako. Hindi maubos ubos yung luha, sakit at sama ng loob.

We were at another place. Another building. Another unit. "Tinawagan ko na sina tita. I told them you're sleeping at my place."

Tumango lang ako.

***

Marcus

Nakatitig lang si Nic sa sahig. He pushed the center table to make space for himself. Umupo siya sa tabi ng babae. She was hugging her knees. Hugging herself.

"You okay?" Of course hindi. Hinawi niya ang buhok nito na tumabing sa mukha at inipit sa tenga. He saw the fresh tears.

And it broke something in him to see her this way. Nic was always passionate about things. She tried to be nice to everybody. May isang bagay lang itong hindi pa kayang gawin.