Love In The Shadows

14 ~ The Fear and Self-doubt

After proposing to Indu, my mind raced with doubts and fears. How could I convince her that my feelings were genuine? What if she rejected me and ended our friendship? I contacted her elder cousin, who advised me to respect her decision and not pressure her. He informed me that she had never thought of me like that.

I didn't know what to do and questioned myself. Why would she even say yes to me? I was just an ordinary guy with below-average looks. I knew she was out of my league and realized I had to save our friendship, so I pretended nothing had happened and continued talking to her as usual.

But it was hard to hide my true emotions. After a few days of awkwardness, we started talking as usual and slowly things were going back to normal I never wanted to lose that and thought maybe for now I should just keep my feelings hidden. However, I fell for her more and more with each passing day, and it was a struggle to keep my feelings hidden. 

Months went by, and we met a few times for her birthday and an outing with her friend and cousin. When I saw her it was awkward as I couldn't behave or look at her as if nothing had changed. Even though I could hide my feelings for her over chat or call. Seeing her face-to-face was completely different. Her friend and the cousin knew that I had asked her out and they tried to tease her, I could see she was not comfortable and it made me fear more about losing her. We went to see the sunset together that evening and the only thing that was running through my mind while watching the sunset was, Would this be the last time I would be able to see the sunset with her or go out like this? 

For months the only thing that gave me company at night was my tears. Along with that,  while having a drink together in my room with my roommates and Indu's cousin I learned from her younger cousin that Indu didn't have any feelings for me. She only talked to me out of respect and if it was any other person than me she might have blocked him already. That revelation broke my heart, and I couldn't stop crying. It was like my fear of her not liking me was true.

I couldn't muster the courage to ask her out again, fearing rejection. Even at that time, my work life was also struggling. I felt like a failure, and my mother's concerns about my settlement only added to my woes. Everything seemed to be falling apart, and I felt lost. 

I had never achieved anything in my life that made my family happy. I was bad at my studies and missed an important exam that turned my life around and made me study in college far from my home. Didn't secure a high-paying job. My house construction was going on in my village and I couldn't help my family as I was not earning enough. Everything was a mess in my life. All this made me believe that I was not someone special and that Indu would never accept my proposal. 

Having all this in my mind it was hard to hide it from Indu and I even once told Indu that things were not good between me and my mom. I would always become vulnerable in front of Indu and open up to her so it was hard to even chat with her as I had to constantly stop myself from showing her what I was feeling. 

Then one day I got to know from a girl(Pooja) who liked me when I was in Bhubaneswar that she was having cancer. I felt so bad that she was a good friend, however, just because she liked me and I had no feelings for her. I tried to keep her away and didn't even chat with her online for years and now all of a sudden I got to know she was having cancer. I didn't know what to do. I called Indu and told her everything and as I was telling her this. I had this thought just like me who kept Pooja away and ignored her for years,  what if now Indu tries to keep me away and not talk to me because she does not have feelings for me? 

All these thoughts in my mind made one thing clear to me. I would never bring my feelings for Indu between our friendship and ruin the only good thing in my life. 

"Shadows crept, and fears did bind,
A voice within, that whispered "not good enough" in mind.
Family's disapproval, a weight I bore,
A reflection of my worth, or so I thought once more.

And then I saw, the way she shone,
A light so bright, that made my heart feel unknown.
But others told, of her indifference cold,
A truth that cut, and made my hopes grow old.

I lost my voice, my heart did ache,
The fear of rejection, a mistake to make.
So I concealed, my true emotions deep
And hid behind, a mask of friendship to keep.

For in her presence, my soul felt alive,
A sense of belonging, I couldn't deny.
Though love was lost, I clung to what remained,
A friendship precious, a heart that still sustained.

In silence, I nurtured, a secret pain,
A longing that lingered, a love in vain.
Yet still I held, on to what was true,
A bond between us, a friendship shining through.

And so I'll hide, my heart's deepest sigh,
And cherish what's left, before I say goodbye.
For even in sorrow, her friendship I'll hold dear,
A bittersweet reminder, of love that could never be clear."

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Question from the author:

1. What do you think? Should you risk it for all or nothing?