Letters To A Friend (Draco Malfoy Fanfiction)

24 February 1996

Dear Ced,

It's been a couple of days since that row with Zacharias, and I'm still reeling from it. I don't know what's gotten into him—into everyone, really. How did everything fall apart so quickly? We're supposed to be friends, supposed to look out for each other, but now it feels like I'm the enemy. And I just can't understand why.

I know why you were always the better one at all this. You could bring people together, make them see sense when things got rough. If you were still here, none of this would be happening. Zacharias wouldn't be questioning my loyalty, and I wouldn't be feeling so... isolated. But you're not here, are you? And without you, everything's gone wrong.

The pain, Ced—it's unbearable. I thought maybe it would fade with time, like people said it would, but they lied. It hasn't faded. If anything, it's become sharper, more constant, like a dull knife that keeps twisting deeper every day. I wake up with it, I go to sleep with it, and all the moments in between feel like a blur, like I'm just moving through the motions of a life that doesn't belong to me anymore.

I feel like I'm losing myself. Each day that passes, I feel more and more disconnected from everything. Everyone. I walk through the corridors and hear whispers behind my back. They say things, Ced. Things I don't want to hear. That I'm untrustworthy. That I'm a traitor. That maybe I've gone over to Umbridge's side. Can you believe that? After everything?

I had to report Bailey Kingston to Umbridge the other day. He's harmless, really, but I didn't have a choice. If I don't keep up this pretence, she'll suspect something's off. She'll dig deeper, and the DA will be exposed. I can't let that happen. But it's starting to eat away at me, Ced. People are starting to look at me differently. And now, with Zacharias stirring the pot, I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I wish I could just disappear. That's the truth. I wish I could just vanish, slip away, and never have to deal with any of this again. I'm tired of being judged, tired of holding up this facade, and most of all, I'm tired of the endless ache inside me that never seems to go away.

If you were here, you'd know what to say to make it better. You always did. You had this way of calming me down, making everything feel manageable even when it wasn't. Now, all I feel is this overwhelming sense of being trapped, like there's no way out, no relief.

I see your face everywhere. Every corner of this castle reminds me of you. Sometimes, I find myself listening for your voice, expecting to hear you call my name like you used to. And for a moment, I almost believe you're still here, that none of this ever happened. But then reality hits, and the weight of it all comes crashing back down on me.

I know people would be devastated if I told them how I really feel. They'd say all the things they're supposed to—tell me I'm strong, that I'll get through this, that time will heal the wounds. But they don't know what it's like. They don't understand that it's not just grief—it's a hollow emptiness that's slowly consuming me.

Sometimes, I think about joining you. I think about how easy it would be to just... let go. To stop fighting. I don't want to be in this world anymore, Ced. Not without you. The thought of waking up every day with this pain—it's unbearable.

I know you wouldn't want me to feel this way, and I hate that I do. But I can't help it. I miss you so much, and I just want to be with you again. I want the pain to stop, and it feels like that's the only way it ever will.

I'm sorry. I wish I could be stronger, that I could hold on like everyone expects me to. But I don't know how much longer I can pretend that everything's alright. It's not. Nothing is alright without you here.

I hope you understand, Ced. I know this isn't what you'd want for me, but I needed you to know how I feel. You're the only one who ever understood, and without you, I just... I don't know. I feel so alone.

Love always,
D.W.