Letters To A Friend (Draco Malfoy Fanfiction)

17 February 1996

Dear Ced,

It's been a while since I last wrote, and I wanted to reach out during the holidays, but it just wasn't possible. Mum's constant hovering and the chaos at the Order's headquarters made it impossible to find a moment alone. It felt like I was suffocating, with everyone always around, even if they weren't speaking.

I can't blame them, though. After what happened... after what I did, I haven't told anyone, but I almost drowned over Christmas. It wasn't intentional. I was just so drained, sitting in the bathroom, letting the water run, and I don't even remember closing my eyes. I just shut down.

If it hadn't been for Ginny, I wouldn't be here now. She noticed the water flooding out from under the door and pulled me out before it was too late. She kept it quiet at first, just stayed with me until I could breathe properly. But of course, she had to tell Mum, and everything fell apart from there.

Mum was devastated. She cried all night outside my door, and I could hear her through the walls, which broke me even more. Dad was even worse-he stayed close the remaining days of the holiday, constantly checking on me, afraid that if he turned away, I'd disappear too. It's hard to see him like that, especially when he just recovered from the attack.

That was the worst Holiday I've ever had. Everything was dark, and I felt like my grief was too heavy for them to bear. I'm supposed to be strong, but lately, I can't keep it together.

Back at Hogwarts, I've been buried in homework, which is why I've been so silent. It wasn't intentional-I just got caught up in keeping up appearances and forgot. But you're always on my mind.

Mum's worry hasn't faded. She made Fred and George promise to keep an eye on me, and Ginny sometimes sits with me at the Hufflepuff table to make sure I'm alright. Their constant concern feels like it's slowly breaking me. I can't breathe under the weight of their watchfulness, and I can't tell them to stop because it would only make them panic more.

Things have been difficult with Ron too. We had a row recently, and it was awful. He accused me of betraying them by talking to Zabini. He seems to think that I'm somehow siding with the enemy when I only had one or two conversations with him. I tried to explain, but it felt like he wasn't even listening. His words cut deep, especially coming from him, my own brother. I don't know how to bridge the gap that's grown between us.

I'm trying to hold on, but it's so hard. I miss you every day-your laugh, your jokes, and how you always knew how to cheer me up. I feel like I'm drowning without you.

I keep replaying that day of the Triwizard Tournament, thinking about how you were so full of life and certain you'd win. I believed you. I keep asking myself if I'd known it was the last time I'd see you, would I have done something different? Would it have mattered?

I don't know how to live with these questions or how to live without you. Everyone else seems to have found a way to move on, but I'm stuck, writing letters to someone who can't write back. I wish you were here to talk to, to help me make sense of everything. Writing these letters is all that keeps me grounded, but it's never enough.

I miss you more than words can say.

With all my love,
D.W.