Insane Asylum escapees!

Gollums cousin said I musn't

Harry sighed as he dragged his trunk alongside him. His uncle blamed everything on him, it seems.

Marge had come to visit. This evening, she had taken it upon herself to insult Harry's parents. Mr. Rock had taken it upon himself to attack her and hit her in the head – the center of the forehead, in fact. Apparently Mr. Rock hit a pressure point because Marge then started to swell up like a balloon.

Dumbledore would probably claim that his 'magic' had acted in anger and thrown Mr. Rock at her before blowing her up (for she did, in fact, go boom – not in the house, thankfully).

But magic did not exist, and Dumbledore was nuts, so it must have been a pressure point.

And Vernon, quite naturally, blamed all of this on him. Maybe he should be the one going to the insane asylum. Perhaps he should send Dumbledore a letter. As Harry pondered this, he was swing his wand, pretending it was a sword.

'Pop.'

"Oh, look," Harry said cheerfully, "A bus." He boarded

"Welcome to the Knight Bus. I'm Stan Shunpike and I'll be your conductor for this evening. Where would you like to go?"

"To the Leaky Cauldron, please," Harry said, "I think it's in London somewhere."

"In London somewhere, he says," Stan chuckled, "Hit it Ern!"

The Next Morning

Dumbledore happily accepted the letter from the pretty white owl and then choked on another lemon drop as he read it.

'Dear Insane Asylum Head Person,

Having realized that I am sane and my dearly beloved uncle is the one with the problems, I happily give up my spot for him.

On September 1st, you should send Minder Snape to collect Vernon Dursley from #4 Privet Drive, as I am no longer there.

Have a nice day,

Harry Potter'

After managing to swallow the candy, Dumbledore threw some Floo powder in the fireplace, "Minerva!"

Half an Hour Later

"Mr. Potter, you have to go to Hogwarts," Minerva sighed, "Don't you remember? We had this discussion last year."

Harry did remember:

Flashback

"Mister Harry Potter," the little creature said in awe.

"OH MY GOD! It's Gollum!" Harry exclaimed, before taking a closer look, "Well, maybe Gollum's cousin anyway."

"Mister Harry Potter is in great danger! He must not return to Hogwarts!" the creature said.

"So…I don't have to go back to Hogwarts?"

"Mister Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts."

"Yes!" Harry pumped a fist into the air.

One Month Later

(After Harry Failed To Show Up To The Feast)

"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall said, "You have to go to Hogwarts."

"No, I don't," Harry replied.

"Yes, you do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't."

"Do."

"Don't"

"Mr. Potter, what exactly makes you think you don't have to go?"

"Gollum's cousin said I mustn't," Harry told her. McGonagall's eyebrows rose.

"And if Gollum's cousin was lying?" she asked, dryly. Harry blinked.

"Damn."

End Flashback

Harry shook his head to clear away the memory.

"But my uncle has my spot," Harry told her.

"No he doesn't, Mr. Potter."

"Yes he does. I gave it to him."

"You can't give your spot away."

"Oh."

"…"

"So, can I sign him up instead? He really needs help, and possibly anger management classes."

"No Mr. Potter. You may not sign up your uncle for Hogwarts."

"…"

"…"

"Damn."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"How about Dudley? He has problems too."

McGonagall groaned.