I had a friend that I liked a lot, not in a romantic way
At least I thought
I appreciated how great our friendship could be
I felt good with him, no pressure, no wants just friendship
I thought this could have stayed like this just two people who appreciated each other
He was the one to whom I wanted to talk when I was at my lowest
I loved been with him but in the same time I knew I wanted nothing more with him
We talked a lot of course we had secrets for each other but we did like not, we don't ask some questions because there were limits at what a friend can say to an other
So we used to talk of everything and nothing
Maybe he fell for me but if it was the case I ignored it
I know that's selfish but I didn't want to lose him
I wanted to keep this friendship
I thought that feelings would pass
Then he made his move
And I encouraged him
I was scary at first but I was so good in his arms
I loved how he hugged me
How every gesture of him say me that he would be there
I loved the way he stroked my hair
I nestled myself against him
Then I realised that I was sending the wrong message and got up
He didn't understand but I needed to restore some distance
He has been patient cause I never explain myself and yet he didn't ask
I keep pretending like nothing happened
I was too prideful to explain how vulnerable I felt so I kept my feelings for me and pretended he was just a friend
Then he tried again
And I rejected him again
I never treat him as the cherished friend he was for me
How could he have understand that I liked to talk to him everyday, to be with him and to support him but not to be more for him than a really good friend
I wanted to be someone precious for him but I was no ready to be his girlfriend and moreover I didn't want it
It was too soon and I wanted to keep this friendship
But I never said him that
I keeping my feelings for me and hoped it would pass and we could stay friend
But we stopped to talk
Suddenly things have changed
I tried to keep texting him but it was different
His answer were colder
And I understood that he was moving on
I could tried to hold him
But I didn't I was too afraid to reveal how much important he was for me
I had too much pride
and sincerely I'm terrified to be so vulnerable to not could deny that I really liked him
I couldn't support to let him told me that he was not interested anymore
I prefer be hurt by myself than him
It's painful but at least I'm the one who control
I'm selfish and surely silly
But I prefer regret something that I didn't say more than something I could have said
Finally I tried to forgot all of this story I act like nothing with my friends
I just said that we don't talked anymore and I thought it was a shame but it was his choice
I was the one who were responsible but I put the blame on him
It was his fault and I convinced myself I couldn't be responsible of his feelings for me
But I were
My friends encouraged me to move on and I begin to concentrate on my studies I fell in the academic pressure to forget the rest
Finally months passed and the summer break has arrived
I came back home in my parents'
And for the first time since a while I had time to think
Too much time
I thought about him, a lot
Days and nights sometimes
Even when I am with my friends
For no reason I missed him
It was absurd I mean we have never been together or something
So why does I miss him ?
It was so selfish I was the one who rejected him and now I missed him
How pathetic
I could have sent him a text or make my move after all he had make his part to let me know he was interested
But I didn't
I was only barely started to understand at what point I have been selfish and mean
I never gave him explanation
And now after months I realised that maybe I like him much more than what I thought
That's unfair he fell first but I fell too late
I try to forget the guilt and sadness but they always come back in a corner of my mind.
Recently I talked with a friend and he asked me if I was not annoyed that my friends fall for me
It was only a joke but it makes me think think to him and my best friend who was in the room with me has pronounced his name to show how accurate the joke was
Finally my other friend react saying that I was still in his head but not in his heart anymore
When I heard this I had the urge to burst in tears but I didn't because my best friend was there
She is my soulmate and she is my friend for more than ten years now however I never told her how I felt for this guy
I said it, I hate been vulnerable
So I pretended I was fine and that it was a good joke
I kept my eyes painfully dry but my heart was crying
Maybe he was more important that what I thought finally
I often think to him
And now I'm crying in writing this line cause gosh I love him
I don't know what he thinks about me now maybe that I played with him maybe worse but I will never know
I regret
I know that it has been painful and complicated for him to move away from me
I regret I never express him my true feelings and above all I regret I never gave him any explanation, I was ambiguous and I never explain why I did reject him
Maybe because I didn't know
I still don't what I want with him but I know I want something with him
I'm selfish, I know
He deserves better than a girl who was unable to be honest with herself
Better than a girl who encouraged him to love her and decline his interest
Better than a girl who convinced himself that he was not enough
Better than a girl who pretended never have been interested by him because she wanted to save face
But I were not aware that I were the one who ruin this hypothetical "us"
I was peeved, angry and vexed
I wanted he waits for me
But how he could have ? I never asked him neither more that I let him know I was interested by him
I sent text but never really important or meaningful
I wanted him make the first step
But seriously he already did and I miss the boat
He had his pride too and he set aside twice
I finally understood that it was my fault but I regret I had needed so much time
Months passed and know he has moved away
I'm sad
He fell first and I fell too late
I could have sent him a text but for once I wanted to think about him first
So I don't sent anything
I think I make the good choice
So why I feel like my heart is bursting ?
