𝗧𝗼𝗹𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗜𝘁 (𝘚𝘢𝘱𝘯𝘢𝘱)

𝗦𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻

Dear Nick,

I didn't realize you'd catch my next stream, let alone raid me. When I saw your name pop up in the chat, my heart almost stopped. I thought maybe I was seeing things, or it was some weird glitch. But no, it was you. And the raid... I still can't quite wrap my head around it. The flood of people that came pouring into my page, all because of you, it was overwhelming, but in the best way possible. I'm still trying to process it.

I want to thank you for bringing so much attention to my stream. Seriously, I appreciate it more than I can say. You know how much this all means to me and having that kind of support from you felt surreal. But there's this part of me that's been wondering.  Did you do it because you wanted to? Or because you felt like you had to? I can't help but worry that maybe, after everything, you might feel some sense of obligation or guilt. And that was never my intention, not with the letters, not with anything.

I don't want you to think you owe me anything. I never expected you to show up like that, and while I'm grateful beyond words, I need to know it wasn't out of some misplaced sense of duty. If you were there because you wanted to be, because you wanted to support me, then I'm happy. But if it was for any other reason—well, that's something I'd rather not carry with me. Either way, it meant the world to me. But I just need to know it was real, that it was because you wanted to share that moment with me, not because you felt like you had to make up for something in the past. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

I know you're still waiting for a return address to appear at the bottom of one of these letters, and I promise, with time, it will. I've thought about it more than I'm willing to admit, about when the right moment will come for me to let you back in completely. But I'm getting closer. I can feel it. There's this part of me that wants to reach out, to close the distance between us once and for all, but I need to do it when it feels right, not just for me, but for both of us. I hope you can be patient a little while longer.

The truth is, I'm starting to miss you more than I ever thought possible. It's like this ache that won't go away, this constant pull reminding me of everything we had, and how much I still wish we could have it again. I never expected to feel this way, not after all this time. But here I am, writing these letters to you, and it's becoming harder and harder to pretend like I don't just want to see you. To hear your voice, to talk to you like we used to.

I've reached the point where I'd do just about anything to see you one more time, even if it's only for a final goodbye. And that's something I never thought I'd say. A part of me hates even writing it, because the idea of a goodbye feels too final, too painful. But if that's what it takes, if seeing you means I can close this chapter of my life, or maybe even open a new one, I think I'm ready. I think I need it.

I'm not saying that's how it has to end, or even how I want it to end. But if a final goodbye is the only way for us to be at peace, then I'd take it. As long as I get to see you, to have one more moment with you, I'd take it. Because missing you like this, it's almost unbearable. So, the return address... it'll come. I just need a little more time to figure out what it is I'm really ready for. I hope you can understand that.

But know this: when it does come, it'll be because I'm ready to see you, no matter what that means for us.

I love you forever and always,

Taylor