YOU FOUND ME, johnny kavanagh

SHANNON, YOU'LL BE GRAND

-QUINN-

"QUINN PLEASE WAKE up! I need your help." The sound of my little sister talking in my ear disturbed my first night of sleep in weeks. I groggily sat up and looked around the room me and Shannon shared.

Standing in shorts and one of Joeys old shirts I looked at my sister, she looked posh in her Tommen uniform. A little childish but she was shining. I was praying that Tommen was nice to Shannon, hopefully she'd be better there than she was at BCS.

"What'd ya need Shan?" I said yawning, she turned to the small mirror we had in our room.

"I feel ugly," she sighed and I rolled my eyes. Laying my hands on her shoulders I looked her in the eyes, "Shannon you are the prettiest girl I know. You are shining right now and you better not let any fucker at Tommen convince you otherwise, got it?"

She nodded her head still staring down, "Shannon, you'll be grand," I added trying to reassure as best I could.

"Okay," she sighed, "I'm going to the bathroom." I shook my head as she left, I looked at my nightstand and my watch read the time. Too fucking early.

It was officially 2005 and I wanted this year to be better. I wanted to start trying at school and camogie. I turned to the mirror this time and examined my face.

My eyes were puffy and so dark they looked bruised. I couldn't fall back asleep so I got up and went to the bathroom.

Hopping in the shower I let the water fall over me. It's been 2 days since I had a drink or any type of drugs. It's been killing me and physically I could feel it. My body had started to move a bit slower, my mind faster.

I couldn't sleep and my skin had been itching for a fix. I needed something. Anything really, cigarettes weren't enough but I tried to stay strong. I had become jumpy, any sound caused me flinch and my mind immediately thought of getting drunk or high.

One more hour. Hold on for one more hour.

Hopping out of the shower I scrubbed my teeth so hard they bleed. The feeling was euphoric, watching blood drip but my gums was enough to keep me sane for a couple hours at most.

I put on my BCS uniform and went back to my room. Desperately trying to hide my dark circles I put on pounds of concealer.

I felt disgusted by what I saw in the mirror. The itching slowly started filtering my skin again. I cracked my neck and stood up, not wanting to look at myself for too long.

Quietly I went downstairs making sure not to wake up my other siblings. I opened the fridge to find my Diet Coke staring at me.

I cracked it open and sat at the kitchen table. Flipping up my skirt I pulled out a pack of cigarettes from my black sheer stockings.

I stared at my lighter before lighting my cigarette. The lighter was beaten and old but it was my most prized possession. When Joey was 13 and I was 12 he had saved enough to get me a pocket lighter. He engraved it himself and I ran my finger over it.

I could feel the letters, JL + QL and tiny underneath it CUNTS.

I inhaled smoke and held it in my lungs until I felt it burn before exhaling. I heard Joey coming downstairs, "mornin Joe." He nodded at me, I knew he was high by the sight of him.

He had his signature black sunglasses on and pulled out a coke from the fridge. I heard honking outside, my friend Casey was picking me up this morning.

"See ya." I mumbled before heading out. Talking was exhausting when sober. I spent all of my energy on staying sober that I didn't have the time for anything else. All I thought of was the feeling of being high.

"Hey Quinny!" Casey yelled, my friend and Joeys girlfriend Aoife was in the passenger seat. Alec was in the back and I sat beside him.

"Morning," I grumbled, Alec waved. Alec was my best friend. We never dated but we slept together sometimes. It wasn't a situation where we were secretly in love with each other. Sometimes we both needed to blow off steam and we were there for each other.

He was also easy to talk to and knew more about me than anyone else. "How posh was Shannon this morning?" He asked.

I sighed, "so posh. I hope this schools better for her." Aoife muttered something I couldn't hear before Casey started driving.

-

I HAD JINXED it. Not even 3 hours into the day and Shannon was hurt. Some rugby hotshot hit her with a rugby ball. Now I was at Biddies.

I sat the bar and stared at my vodka redbull. Twirling the drink with my straw I mentally debated whether or not I should drink it.

Just one drink. One drink won't hurt.

So I took a sip. The minute it hit my tongue I was a goner. One drink morphed into three and three into five.

I was properly tipsy and my words were slurring. The cost of my drinks were getting too high so I paid and left. I walked home, I felt like I was floating.

My body was so light that I couldn't feel it. The world around me was blurry and I felt numb. When I got home I collapsed on the couch.

I sat there for what felt like forever before the devil himself sat beside me.

My father held a flask that smelled like heaven. His was taking huge gulps and we sat there and let time pass by.

He held the flask out to me, I took it and the warmth of whiskey filled my throat. "You're my favorite ya know?" He slurred, "I'm so proud of everything-" hiccup "you do."

I hated him. A part of me wished he beat me like he did my siblings. Instead he tore me a part with words. "Your mam might not see it" hiccup "but I do baby" I shuddered at the name, only when he's drunk out of his mind does he call me baby. It made me sick to my core.

I turned to him and it was like looking in a mirror. Our eyes were the same green, we both had the same facial structure and high cheekbones. We both had blonde hair. Every one of my siblings had mams lips. I didn't. I had his.

I felt nauseous and almost puked at the comparison. I grabbed the flask from him before taking a large gulp. "Baby I love you. You're the only kid I love, proud to call you mine." He slurred and his voice drifted off. I turned to see him. He had fallen asleep.

I finished off his flash before heading up. I saw Shannon sitting at the top of the stairs. She heard the whole conversation. I was stumbling and I hated Shannon seeing me like this.

"Night Shan." I was shocked at how slurred my words were. I aimed for bed but ending up face down on the floor. I was too tired to move, instead I turned on my back and fell asleep.