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QUINN DROVE ME home and when we arrived at our house neither one of us made a move to go in. My sister let out a sigh, "let's go." She said.
I didn't want to. I knew my father was in there. I also knew he wouldn't hurt me if Quinn was with me. For some reason he rarely hurt her. When he did it was usually a backhand to the face.
I remember when I was 6 and Quinn was 7, our da was about a bottle of whiskey in. He was really mad and he needed an output for his anger so he used me. I don't remember where Joey was.
Darren was out and nobody else was home. At Nanny Murphys house I think. It started out as a few slaps, when I was on the floor he started kicking me.
Then Quinn came home and she yelled, "Shannon! Da stop!" And she ran towards me. Da backhanded her causing her to fall to the ground.
When he realized what he did he immediately crumbled. He fell to the floor and held Quinn, he whispered to her. "I'm so sorry baby. I didn't mean to." It was the same things he said every time.
Truth is Quinn was always his favorite. Sometimes I think I have it better than Quinn. While I get beat up, Quinn drinks with him. They had their first drink together when she was 12.
After that, alcohol became comfort to Quinn. I like to blame him for that. Even when my sister said she didn't want a drink our father made her.
When he was off his rocker drunk, so was she. She was his emotional dump truck. Quinn was only a kid and she couldn't handle it. I don't think she knows I know, but I do.
My sister started falling like an angel from heaven. Started relying on drugs and alcohol. She started leaving early and coming home late. Some nights she wouldn't come home at all.
Quinn has a lot of pressure on her. Not from him, but from us. Her siblings. We all knew it. While we didn't directly put the pressure on her she felt it.
She was the only one who could control our father. His greatest weakness. While Joey took the beatings, Quinn stopped them. Every time she caught him hurting one of us she'd say, "Da let's have a drink."
Our mam hated her for it. Truth is mam was jealous of Quinn. That she couldn't stop my father and Quinn could. That Quinn rarely got hurt and she got hurt every day.
Mam and Quinn have an awful relationship. When they're not yelling at each other, they're ignoring each other.
When Darren left that's when Joey and Quinn stepped up. They were 12 and 11, and yet they were parenting me, Tadgh, Ollie, and Sean.
Quinn and I shared a room and even though most nights she slept on the couch she still kept all her stuff upstairs.
One night a ball I was playing with rolled under bed. I reached under to grab it but instead felt a box.
Out of curiosity I pulled out the box. I was shocked when I looked inside of it.
There were little baggies of white powder and I knew it wasn't sugar. Along with mini bottles of alcohol and bigger bottles. There were a few needles, a spoon, and a lighter. There were a couple razor blades and gauze, and packs of cigarettes.
I wasn't old enough then to understand but I do now. When I found the box Quinn was only 14.
We both stood in front of the house staring at the door. "You go inside. I'll go in soon. I promise." I looked at her with sad eyes, I nodded and opened the door. When I closed the door I saw Quinn pulling out a cigarette.
My da was sitting by the kitchen table. "Where were you?" He demanded. Panic grew inside of me. He was a scary man, if I didn't know who he was I would still be scared of him. He was 6'0 feet, a little shorter than Joey. He had a lot of muscles which were the reason one of his blows was worse ten times worse than a normal persons.
I froze and no words formed in my mouth. Quinn, please come in. I'm sorry.
"Well?" He was growing impatient. I could tell by his voice. Speak!
He was holding Ollie's hurley, fixing the rubber part. The sight of the hurley had my blood running cold. "You're late!" He yelled.
As I opened my mouth the front door opened. Quinn walked in and immediately my father's gaze softened. "Hey da, sorry we're late I had to stop at the store."
I sent a grateful look at my sister. "Don't worry about it." He grumbled. Quinn sat down.
"You fixing Ollie's hurley?" She asked, he nodded. "Shan go on up to bed I'm sure you have homework."
I couldn't smell any whiskey and no furniture was broken. He got mad when he was sober but he only hit when he was drunk.
"Don't be late again ya hear me?" He said and stared at me. I nodded before I all but ran up the stairs.
Later that night after my da had gone to bed I snuck downstairs. I wish I hadn't.
I was frozen at the top of stairs as I watched Quinn pour herself a glass of whiskey. She took one sip and sighed in relief.
I don't know why I didn't move. Why didn't I go back to my room? My feet stayed planted on the stair.
I watched as my sister pulled out a small baggie with white powder. Not sugar. She also pulled out a tenner.
She dumped half of the bag on the table and using the tenner she formed three lines.
All of my alerts went up, everything telling me to go back to my room. I shouldn't be seeing this.
I watched as she rolled up the bill, she angled it over the first line. Sitting up she let her nostril fall over the end of the bill.
She inhaled while moving the bill all the way down the line. I watched as Quinn did the same for the other two lines. When she was done she did something that had my spirits crushed.
Quinn smiled. It was the first time in a while that I saw a genuine smile on her face.
Then she got up and kept her drink in hand before flopping on the couch.
I quietly back into our room. I sat on the floor and cried. I didn't get it. Why? Why did she do that to herself. Both her and Joey.
