Future Me, Are You Listening?

How do I truly forgive?

Forgiveness has always been a complicated concept for me, shrouded in confusion and doubt. My past self held firmly to the belief that true forgiveness was an elusive ideal—something that sounded noble and pure, yet felt almost impossible to achieve. I wanted to be the kind of person who could let go of grudges, who could brush off hurt and move forward with grace. But deep down, I wrestled with resentment, clutching it tightly, often without even realizing it.

I think back to moments where I felt the weight of that resentment pulling me down, particularly when I walked past someone who had once been a close friend but had turned out to be anything but. I would feel a gut-wrenching discomfort, a tightness in my chest that reminded me of all the ways they had hurt me. It was like an anchor dragging me back to memories I wanted to escape—memories of betrayal, of moments when I felt belittled, unvalued, and unseen.

Every time I encountered that person, I was struck by an overwhelming mix of emotions. On one hand, I wanted to believe that they had changed, that they were kinder now, that perhaps they had recognized the error of their ways. But on the other hand, I couldn't shake the memories that haunted me, the echoes of their past actions still resonating in my mind. How could I simply forget the pain they had caused? How could I forgive when the wounds still felt fresh?

I often found myself slipping up in conversations, focusing more on the negative aspects of our relationship rather than acknowledging any positive changes they might have made. I felt like a fraud for wanting to hold onto the grudge while simultaneously wishing to be free of it. I wanted to be better, but it felt impossible when my emotions seemed so tied to the past.

So, what is forgiveness, really? Is it simply the act of saying "I forgive you", or is it something deeper? I began to wonder whether forgiveness requires a transformation of the heart, an emotional shift that transcends mere words. Is it possible to forgive someone without feeling the full weight of your feelings first?

I grappled with the idea that maybe forgiveness isn't about forgetting. Maybe it's about acknowledging the hurt and the impact it had on my life while also recognizing that the person who hurt me might not be the same anymore. But could I move forward without feeling entirely healed? Did I have to be friends with someone again to forgive them?

There was a pivotal moment in my journey toward understanding forgiveness. I was reflecting on a past friendship—one that had turned sour due to betrayal. I realized that for the longest time, I had been waiting for a grand gesture or an apology to truly forgive. But as I sat in that space of introspection, I began to understand that forgiveness was less about them and more about me.

It dawned on me that holding onto resentment only gave power to the person who had hurt me, allowing them to linger in my mind long after they had exited my life. I didn't want to keep giving them that power. So I decided to take a step back and reflect on what forgiveness might mean for me.

In that moment of clarity, I recognized that forgiveness isn't a linear path. It's messy, filled with setbacks and confusion. It doesn't always mean reconciling or rebuilding the relationship. Sometimes, it's simply about letting go of the grip that the past has on my heart.

I began to acknowledge the hurt I felt, allowing myself to fully experience those emotions without judgment. I learned to sit with them, to confront the anger and the pain, rather than shoving them aside. It was uncomfortable, but it was necessary. As I processed my feelings, I realized that I didn't need to force myself to be friends with someone to forgive them. Forgiveness could simply be about understanding, acceptance, and a desire to free myself from the shackles of resentment.

But then there's the question of whether I ever truly forgive someone. When does that moment happen? I think it's less about a single moment and more about a gradual process. Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It's about repeatedly choosing to let go of the pain and choosing to understand the other person's humanity, acknowledging that we all make mistakes, even if they're deeply hurtful.

I've come to learn that it's okay to still feel hurt, even while forgiving. It doesn't mean I haven't forgiven; it means I'm still human. Forgiveness doesn't erase the past, nor does it mean that I have to forget what happened. It's about creating space for healing, both for myself and for the other person, if they are willing to meet me there.

In closing, I would tell my past self that true forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all experience. It's personal, complex, and often takes time. It's perfectly okay to feel conflicted and to struggle with it. What matters is the intention to forgive, the desire to let go, and the understanding that it's a journey, one that starts with recognizing our own pain and allowing ourselves to heal. Forgiveness may never look like what I imagined it would be, but it can be a powerful step toward reclaiming my peace.