my Endless Blue

∞ Track #23: Your Shelter

"After that, everything was a blur... My mind went blank... I didn't see Lance and his then girlfriend that day. I went to his apartment, immediately packed my things and went back home. I just left him a note saying that it was only proper for me to leave to give him and his girl the privacy they needed... Hindi ko na nga alam kung gaano karaming luha ang iniyak ko that day...

"Iniwisan ko na rin siya simula noon. Well, wala rin naman siya gaanong oras since may girlfriend na siya tapos idagdag mo pa 'yung student council duties niya. Nakikipagkita na lang ako pag super urgent because of our projects. Pero as much as possible, hindi na talaga. We both knew that something changed between us — But instead of acknowledging it, we decided to just ignore it. Si Ion ang naging witness how many times I cried over him, but I didn't tell her that I had feelings for Lance. She knew naman so it didn't matter...

"Came 4th year, Lance and I weren't blockmates anymore... Kami naman ni Ion ang naging blockmates, so I spent most of my time at the university with her. Sobrang dalang na kung magkita kami ni Lance — That went on until our graduation. After grad, I didn't contact him at all. Avoidance kasi 'yung paraan ko para maka-move on sa kanya. Alam ko kasing I wouldn't be able to move on if I continued spending time with him. Sasagot lang ako on instances that he reached out first, but never akong nag-initiate kahit kating-kati akong mangumusta sa kanya. It took me about two years when I finally got over him... At doon na rin ako umamin sa kanya...

"I thought the day I confessed to him was one of the best days I had in my life. First, dahil nagkaroon ako ng closure. Then I gained back a bestfriend I lost for a long while...

"P-Pero sa mga narinig ko kanina... P-Parang mali pala ako... I-I just couldn't understand why Lance would do that to me. I was badly hurt then... Kung totoo man na may feelings nga siya for me... T-Then why? D-Do I deserve all that pain?" Muli na naman akong humagulgol matapos kong maisalaysay kay Miah ang lahat ng pinagdaanan kong sakit at pighati dahil sa bestfriend kong si Lance...

We went inside the black van. Kuya Ynan returned with a gift for Ion earlier, but he left to give us some privacy. I told him there's no need for him to leave but he insisted — so Miah and I were left alone.

My boyfriend quickly went in to hug me tightly and gently rubbed my back with his right hand. "Mielie, no, no... I'm really sorry you had to go through those — But you didn't deserve any of it... You should've been receiving nothing but love... So I'm really sorry..."

"You know what hurt the most? I felt so lonely back then — because he left me alone... I know I did everything to avoid him, but a part of me really hoped that he'd make an effort to reach out... But he didn't...

"Sana pala hindi niya na lang ako kinaibigan in the first place... Okay naman ako nun eh, bago siya dumating... I was perfectly fine living on my own... But he came, and made me feel special — only to leave me hanging after everything..." I cried out helplessly while clinging on to Miah's shirt. Like when he first saw me earlier, he let me sob like a baby without saying anything. Nanatili lang siyang nakayakap sa akin habang banayad na hinihimas ang aking likod. From time to time, he would kiss me on my forehead and whisper, "It's okay, I'm here..."

After a while, I finally got tired of crying... I gently let go from my boyfriend's hug and looked at his gorgeous face. To express my gratitude, I gave him a warm smile — na agad din naman niyang sinuklian. Gayunman, batid kong nag-aalala pa rin siya sa akin.

"M-Mielie, I-I feel bad... I really wish I was there for you..." I could sense remorse in his eyes.

"Don't be... You being here with me now is more than enough — So, thank you for putting up with the crying mess that I am..." I put on a smile to lighten the mood.