my Endless Blue

∞ Track #32: Hasta La Vista

"I'm leaving, Amiel... Gusto ko lang talagang magpaalam nang maayos sa'yo."

I was utterly shocked — I couldn't believe everything Lance just said to me.

"A-Aalis ka? I-Is it because of me? If so, you don't have to. Ayokong lumayo ka Champ..." Unti-unti na ngang nangingilid ang mga luha sa aking mga mata.

Muli naman siyang ngumiti nang mapait. "Kinumusta mo ako kanina 'di ba? Well... I'm not okay — I'm barely keeping it together..." Sa pagkakataong iyon, iniwas niya ang kanyang tingin mula sa akin at bumuntong hininga.

"Amiel... Pilit ko mang tanggapin na wala na kong pag-asa, ay hindi ko magawa. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Palagi akong bumabalik sa gabing umamin ako sa'yo... I should've told you that I meant everything I said — But I didn't... Ang tanga-tanga ko...

"Gusto ko talagang maging masaya para sa'yo... After all, your happiness means the world to me... Pero kahit 'yun 'di ko magawa. Just now, seeing how he kissed you like that... Hindi ko mapigilang magalit at mainis... I can't stand seeing you with him — That should've been me... Ako dapat ang kasama mo ngayon, tayo dapat ang magkasama... Pero sinayang ko lahat ng pagkakataon na meron ako noon... So stupid of me... I hate myself — Hindi ko matanggap na sa pagiging duwag ko, I lost you... F*ck my life!" He quickly turned his back to me as he slightly tilted his head up. I could sense he couldn't keep himself from crying...

Hindi ko na rin napigilan ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. Everything felt heavy — I didn't expect our talk would end up this way. Hindi ko rin mawari kung anong dapat kong gawin o sabihin ng mga oras na iyon.

"S-Sorry, Champ..." Words I could only let out as I was frantically wiping the tears off my cheeks.

"P-Pwede ba Amiel? F-For once, stop feeling so sorry for me. M-Mas lalo lang sumasama ang loob ko. I brought this upon myself. So you don't have anything to feel sorry for. Wala kang ginawang mali — It's all on me... It's all on me..." Nanatali man siyang nakatalikod sa aking gawi, batid ko pa rin ang lubos niyang pagtangis habang pilit na inihahayag ang kanyang nararamdaman.

I got really remorseful for Lance... But like he just asked me, I tried not to feel sorry for him... Clueless as to what to say, I remained there standing patiently waiting for my bestfriend to calm down.

After a while, he somehow eased up and finally turned to face me. Although his eyes were puffy, he put on a warm smile when our gaze met again.

"Bata, sorry... Wala talaga akong balak na maglabas ng sama ng loob sa'yo... Because the last thing I'd want is to make you feel bad — Pero hindi ko napigilan ang sarili... Kaya, sorry. Patawarin mo ako..." I could sense both guilt and regret from his eyes.

"It's okay, Champ. I understand so you don't need to apologize... Pero nalulungkot lang talaga akong aalis ka... And it's because of me — Do you really have to?"

"I think so... I need this. So I can fulfill your request... You wanted me to sort out my feelings for you, right? Alam kong hindi ko magagawa 'yun kung magse-stay ako. I need to keep myself busy... Away from everything. Sa tingin ko kasi, I need to see the world out there... To find purpose — To find myself...

"Mahirap man sa aking malayo sa'yo, pero kailangan kong gawin 'to. To save what's left for us... Ayokong mawala kung ano man ang mayroon tayo ngayon, Amiel. Kaya hayaan mo na lang akong gawin 'to. Just let me — Para naman kahit papa'no may magawa ako para sa'yo..." Nangugusap ang kanyang mga mata, nabatid ko naman ang sinseridad na gusto niyang iparating sa akin.

Mabigat man ang kalooban, ngumiti ako nang taimtim. "A-Alright, I understand. If you really think that leaving will help you, I won't go against it. Susuportahan kita, Champ... Though, may I know where you're planning on going?"