my Endless Blue

∞ Track #29: Call me a Freak

Oh—My—God... Did that really happen? Did I just make out with Miah? Oh gosh. It's okay, right? We're boyfriends after all. But... I almost had s*x with him! And we actually did some foreplay... Foreplay kung maituturing ang mga 'yun di ba? T*ngina kasi ignorante sa ganyang bagay eh. Hayyyy.

Pero okay lang naman talaga 'di ba? Wala namang masama since we're in a relationship... god! Of course it's okay... Besides, we're both consenting adults. For f*ck's sake! But why was I feeling some sort of guilt right now? Alam kong wala kaming ginawang mali... Pero bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko? T*ngina. To think I'm approaching my thirties and yet here I was worrying about making out with my boyfriend — as if I was an underage twink who just did unspeakable worldly stuff with a certain someone and his parents would kill him if they found out... Gosh!

Le brain izzz such a mess. I am such a mess — Why am I this way?

I'd always known that I am different, 'not normal' as they'd usually say. Since I was a kid, I knew I am gay... And thankfully, my parents, especially Mama, had been accepting of who I am. Dahil sa kanya, namulat akong hindi kasalanan ang pagiging bakla. And that being gay doesn't wholly define who you are as a person, it's just a part of you... So growing up, I never had any experience of discrimination or bad treatment because of my sexuality... Well, at least at home. Kaya hindi rin ako maka-relate sa mga taong nagsa-struggle to come out and be themselves... But I sympathize with them... Alam kong mahirap itago kung sino ka talaga, lalo na kung wala ka namang ginagawang masama sa kapwa at sa mga taong nakapaligid sa'yo.

So, how did I turn out with f*cked up ideals and morals about romantic relationships and s*x? Well... I think it all started when I overheard Mama and one of my aunts (mabuti nang h'wag na nating pangalanan ang nilalang na ito dahil hindi naman nito deserve) talking about me when I was around eleven years old. This would be non-verbatim because that was a really looong time ago. Anyway, their convo went like:

Titang Ina: Uy Orang (Mama's nickname), 'yung anak niyo pagsabihan niyo nga! Lalamya-lamya. Mamaya lumaking bakla 'yan, sige ka.

Rhodora, my loves: Sino? Si Ameng ko? Ano naman kung lalamya-lamya si Ameng? May masama ba roon? May naapektuhan bang ibang tao? At tsaka Ate, 'wag kang mag-alala, matagal ko nang alam na bakla ang anak ko — Mula pa nung bata siya.

TI: Ha??? Alam mo na? Pero okay lang sa'yo? Hindi ka ba nag-aalala?

R: Bakit naman hindi? Wala namang mali sa pagiging bakla. Tsaka napakabait na bata ng anak ko. Masunurin at magalang. Ni minsan hindi nakipag-away sa mga kaedaran niya. Kaya pa'nong hindi ako magiging okay?

TI: Naku! Akala mo lang 'yun! Nasa loob ang kulo ng mga 'yan! Panigurado lalaking p*ta 'yang anak mo at kung sinu-sinong lalaki ang titikman. Hmp!

R: Mawalang galang na ho, Ate. Hindi niyo kilalang lubos ang aking anak para husgahan niyo siya nang ganyan. Hindi ko ho ipinanganak, inaruga, at minahal si Ameng para lang insultuhin ninuman. Kaya kung wala na ho kayong maganda pang sasabihin, mabuti pang tumahimik na lang kayo.

I had no idea how their talk went right after because I quickly went to my room upon hearing what Mama said. I couldn't help but cry. Sobra akong na-touch sa mga sinabi ni Mama para sa akin. Kaya mahal na mahal ko ang babaeng 'yun kahit na hindi niya makontrol ang bibig paminsan-minsan. Simula nga noong araw na iyon, naging devoted bading na anak ako ni Rhodora — And I'd do everything for her...

Also, since that day, I'd put myself into an unthinkable creed out of spite and mere pettiness. At ang aking naging ultimate goal ay huwag maging 'p*ta'. Ipiningako ko sa sarili kong hindi ako makikipagt*lik kahit kanino man, maliban na lang sa taong mahal ko at mahal ako... So, I did everything to resist temptations even if I was totally attracted to someone — best example, pseudo sh*t or malabong usapan with Lance. I'd been adamant into saving or conserving myself for my 'The One'. And up to this point, all was okay. Proud na proud pa akong humaharap kay Titang Ina because I didn't turn out to be a 'p*ta' while her sons, hmmmm... Hindi naka-graduate ng high school kasi nagbulakbol at nakabuntis pa sa murang edad. Ang alam ko nga nakailang panganay na ang mga salot sa lipunan. And take note, proud na proud pa ang mga tukmol na palamunin... Toxic machismo at its finest. Ugghhh. Pero sino sa'min ngayon ang lumaking 'p*ta'? Bahala na kayong humusga. Hehe.