Rollercoaster love

Empty

My heart drops into my stomach.
What does he mean it's not good?
Doctor: "she has what we call an epidural hematoma."
Will: "okay? What is that?"
Doctor: "it's a collection of blood cells and clotting in the brain."
Janet: "you can fix it right?"
Doctor: "the issue we have is it has burst. When she fell she must have hit her head and it has burst the collection."
Jason: "what does this mean?"
Doctor: "it means we have to cut into her brain."
Will: "do what you have to."
Doctor: "it's not that simple, see where it's located, is a massive part of her memories and who she is."
Janet: "she could lose her memories?"
Doctor: "it's a massive possibility in this case. If another blood vessel bursts then it could be bad."
Janet and Will look at me.
Janet: "Leah, sweetheart. It's up to you."
I swallow. I don't want her life in my hands.
Leah: "if she doesn't have surgery, what happens?"
Doctor: "she won't survive without it."
Leah: "do it."
Doctor: "okay."
The doctor walks out and I sit down, my head in my hands.
Janet sits next to me. She rubs her hand on my back.
Leah: "did I make the right decision? Am I being selfish?"
Janet: "you did what Will and I would have done."
I just nod.
The doctor calls us through to see her before she gets taken up.
Janet, Will and the lads all go in. Then I have a minute on my own with her.
Leah: "hi baby, it's me. I love you so so much, and you'll get through this, we will get through this together okay? See you on the other side."
I kiss her forehead for a minute. I wipe a few tears then leave the room.
I go outside for a minute on my own. I sit against a wall and lean my head back.
I close my eyes. I feel a tap on my shoulder. My mum.
I jump up and hug her as tight as I can.
Amanda: "oh bubba."
Leah: "I'm going to lose her mum."
Amanda: "no, no you won't."
Leah: "I am. I can't deal with this."
Amanda: "you can, and you will. She's going to get through this."
I don't say anything.
Amanda: "I brought your things, the girls are worried."
Leah: "I'll speak to them later, I just need a minute to digest that I might lose her."
I sit back down, mum sits next to me.
I put my head on her shoulder and we just sit in silence for a while.

It's been a few hours. Janet and Will have gone back for Milo. TJ has been and gone, Jason and I are staying the night. It's going to be a long surgery. She went in at 8pm, it's now 2am. Could be another 6 hours yet.
I try and get some sleep but it's no use. I keep pacing around the room, not being able to sit down at all.
Jason: "you're making me nervous."
Leah: "I'm sorry, I just can't sit down."
Jason: "I know I know but just try. You need to rest."
Leah: "no, I need to know what's going on."
Jason: "want me to go ask for an update?"
Leah: "we asked 10 minutes ago."
Jason: "I know"

A few more hours pass. Phone calls to Will and Janet every hour, some sleep, a lot of coffee even though I don't like it. No one has been out for a few hours to tell us what's happening, no news is good news right?

It gets to 8 am. 12 hours after she went into surgery her surgeon comes out. I instantly stand up.
Leah: "how, how is she?"
Doctor: "she did really well. Her stats are great, it's just a waiting game to see when she wakes up now."
Leah: "okay, so she's going to be okay?"
Doctor: "she will live, yes, about her memory we don't know until she wakes up."
Leah: "okay. Thank you, can I see her?"
Doctor: "of course, follow me."
Leah: "Jason can you ring her mum and dad?"
Jason: "of course, I'll follow you out in a second."
I nod and follow the doctor.

I walk into her room. She has a bandage on her head and wires coming out of everywhere.
Doctor: "we don't know when she will wake up, could be a few hours, could be days. It's down to her."
Leah: "okay."

I sit next to her and grab her hand.
Leah: "hey, it's me. I don't know if you can hear me but I hope you can. I love you baby. Please wake up. I can't do this without you, I can't do anything without you."
I kiss her hand and watch her.

I watch her for hours. Each breath through a tube, watching to see any movement.
Nothing.
I don't know how long I've been sat here. People have been in and out, her parents, TJ and Jason. Michelle, my parents, my teammates.
It's been hours.
I've not said a word to anyone.
Amanda: "sweetheart?"
I don't say anything.
Amanda: "Leah, you need to get some sleep, you've been sat here for 2 days."
I don't say anything.
Amanda: "eat something at least, please bubba."
I don't say anything.

Days pass.
I've barely eaten. Barely spoke.

TJ: "Leah. You aren't any good for her like this, eat something, have a few hours kip. For her, she'd want you to look after yourself more."
I look at him. He has his hand on my shoulder.
TJ: "come on, walk with me, her parents will sit with her till you're back."
I nod. I stand up, kiss her on the head and walk out with TJ.

We take a few steps down the hall.
TJ: "tell me what are you thinking?"
Leah: "I just want her to tell me she loves me."
TJ: "you know she does."
Leah: "she might have lost her memory TJ, I can't live with that."
We sit on a bench and I put my head on his shoulder.
TJ: "it's okay. She's going to be okay, this is Molly we are on about."
Leah: "yeah"
TJ: "close your eyes kid, get some rest."
I close my eyes for what seems like a minute.
When I wake up it's been 6 hours and I'm in a bed.
Amanda: "hey bubba, good sleep?"
Leah: "Molly, is she awake yet?"
Amanda: "no bubba. But the doctors think it should be any day now."
Leah: "okay. Sure."
I get out of bed and walk to Mollys room.
I sit back in the chair that I've sat in for the past week straight.
I grab her hand and hold it tight.
Leah: "come on baby. Come on. Wake up for me."