Just a doll , Charlotte TNN angst

Chapter 7

Title: references

Warning: sh , suicide , death

Charlottes PoV: -the next day-

I had gotten up around 8:34am , which was quite late for myself but considering that I couldn't sleep last night it was fine. I wasn't working in the nursery today. Thankfully. It was rare that I said that but the parents , children , even the staff had gotten to me. It's quite cruel for me to say that. They're my friends... yeah.. I sighed. I had nothing to do. Just wander around my house? I could go on a walk. It'd be nice for some air , I could relax wind down. I smiled the thought of genuine peace calmed me. I got up and out of bed heading towards my wardrobe , I put on a pair of jeans a long sleeve black top , i felt comfortable in it. I skipped breakfast heading outside to my car , not forgetting to lock the door behind me , I got in the car and started driving I didn't know where I was going I just drove. But somehow I had brought myself to a park I hadn't visited in years not since my brother died.

It's September in the city , it wasn't too busy , an odd person every 10 minutes. It was peaceful. I liked it. I got out of my car the sky is grey but i still started heading towards a forest pathway. The air was sticky I was glad not many knew this way. Me and my brothers when we were younger found this place. We called it safe thorns . An odd name but it was because we felt safe there even if there was danger around. I felt as if I needed to go here , I kept falling in and out of sleep last night it was hurting me. I walked , passing a river , a few animals , I even saw a rabbit, my kids love rabbits. I tried getting them one. But Ben doesn't like them. I sat down. Letting the sun scorch the grass , even tho the air was thick and the sky was grey the sun still burned. I had a cup with me , carrying a cup of tea. I took a sip however flies were knocking upon the glass.

I was in a safe place but it didn't stop me from thinking, I need him so much that it hurts. I missed him. It was to late. I couldn't have him back. I wanted to turn back time to back when it was me and my man. He always stood on my left foot , but that was okay , because I was in his way.

I always told him to do what he wanted to do. I begged him to. I didn't want him to leave me. I told him to step on me. I think of him all the time. I think he's still holding the heart of mine.. maybe that's why I've become this selfish? I realise maybe that relationship was toxic but.. it kept me a rest. Knowing someone's there. Maybe he wasn't mentally , but physically he was. I needed that again. Someone to just be beside me. Stopping me doing these stupid actions. Thinking of killing myself? A pathetic thing to do isn't it. Pathetic. I guess it fits with me. All I am is pathetic at this point. I was pathetic for having that journal. I was pathetic for writing my feelings in it. I was pathetic for not fixing the relationship. I should've done something. I really should've.

My god. I just wanted my baby's. My babies, I wanted them to tell me that they were my babies. I want them to tell me that they love me. I think they hate me , after the divorce they prefer spending time with 'daddy' why do they not want their 'muma' anymore? I want my babies , I want to feel it , that they love me. Why is it even in this safe fort when I'm finally fine I think of him? Will I be cursed with this forever.

Why's he playing with my mind? Playing with my time? It's not fair. I wanted his presence to leave me. It's over. I'm not with him anymore. So why? Why does it feel as if he's behind me whispering these horrible things to me. It's not fair. I pull my legs to my chest throwing my head into my knees. I couldn't I need to stop thinking. It hurt , it really hurt, I can't do this. Oh please won't he give me some decency. Tears fell from my eyes crashing down my jeans making them soggy. It feels like I've been here before. My tears felt like a train , ongoing for what seemed like forever but when I tried to scream, shout something to make this pain stop. Nothing did come out.

I let my tears fall more , I didn't want to stop them even if I did try I don't think it would've worked , I just crumble.

Why is it that only love can hurt like this, it must've been a deadly kiss. I sighed letting myself breathe through this water flow. It's like a knife that cuts right throw my soul , a dagger , a dagger of tears , only paining me more. I wished Andy was here. I needed him. I wanted my older brother. He did know how to comfort me. He was the only one I wanted to tell my feelings to. Why did he leave me? Did I also hurt him. Why does only love hurt like this. I sobbed harder. I didn't care who heard me. I was in pain I need to let this out. Who do I care. I don't. I shouldn't care anymore I've lost almost everything. No I have. I want this all to end.

"Tell me fuck this is all going to end" i whispered to myself. I didn't want to do this. Voices in my head telling me I'm going to end up dead it was awful if I killed myself I'd be leaving so many to suffer , the nursery would be understaffed. My children wouldn't have a mother. Benjamin wouldn't teach them about periods? Safe sex? Relationships? So save me please someone save me please before I fall.

Can anyone guess the songs used for the references? 😼😼😼😼 there's 6 songs
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