The Doctor Of East Hadena [MXM] [SERIAL KILLER] ✓

31 | HEARTLESS

I am once again covered in blood.

Standing in the middle of my storage facility, beside my operating table, after taking my latest victim. I've killed every single night since the conversation with Decari, so this is growing quite common.

The guy's dead, and has been for a couple hours, and I'm being messier than usual. The way I cut into his skin is more violent, less calculated, and the manner in which I've stitched some of his skin back together is almost obsessive.

It's not my usual work. There's emotion behind it, just like there's more emotion behind just about every aspect of my life nowadays. Everything I do. I'm beyond ready to go back to work, which I'll do tomorrow.

"Jesus, you're being aggressive." Willow remarks. She's been hanging out with me while I do this, for whatever reason, and has bore witness to the excessive use of my hands during this process.

"No I'm not," I tell her point blank, even though she's right. It's not even all self loathing and frustration that's having this outcome, it's also just plain sloppiness. I haven't slept in days, and I go back to work tomorrow.

Every time I close my eyes and am left alone with my thoughts, all I can think of is Dex. The primary emotions I now associate with him are guilt and regret, and it haunts me. He haunts me.

I wish I could change so much. I wish I'd have treated him better, for one. I wish I hadn't taken advantage of his feelings for me, I wish I'd have been more sensitive and respectful to them, as well. I wish I didn't constantly fuck with his emotions and play all those head games, whether it was intentional or not. I wish I didn't use his attraction against him, mostly towards the end.

Decari is such a kind, genuine person. He had pure intentions from the start—which I genuinely believe, despite the fact he was investigating me. He did say he basically forgot about the investigation on our first meeting, and I believe him. He introduced me to his family, he helped me with every aspect of my life I have trouble with, he went above and beyond and what did I do? Break his heart.

Why? Because I'm the exact opposite. Unless I grow to care about someone—like in the cases of Decari and Willow—I am hardly human. I don't possess empathy, I don't give a shit about any aspects of anyone's lives, I could basically kill anyone, the only reason I stick with my demographic is obvious.

I'm not a good person. Dex deserves someone like him. No, he deserves even better, if that exists.

The only thing I can offer him is a pretty face and constant stress. All he'll ever experience in the long term with me is disappointment and regret. This is for the best, but that doesn't mean I'm taking it easy.

I've known him a few months, and in that time I grew so used to having him in my life that his absence has destroyed me. Is destroying me. I can't function, I feel like I'm going through an actual, genuine break up. I feel like I've known him ten times as long as I have.