I can't live without you.. || Chanmin

Eavesdropping on a Shattered Heart

Bang Chan wasn't sure what had pulled him out of bed that night. It could have been the quiet hum of restlessness in the air, or maybe it was the residual charge left from the kiss he and Seungmin had shared just hours earlier. His mind had been swirling ever since—anxious, excited, but mostly uncertain. He had been replaying every second of their interaction, the feel of Seungmin's lips, the way they had lingered in each other's arms afterward. It all felt surreal.

But there was something else nagging at him, something he couldn't quite place. That's why, instead of staying in bed and trying to calm the storm in his head, he found himself wandering the hallway in the quiet hours of the night. The dorm was still, the rest of the group likely asleep or lost in their own worlds.

As he passed by the doors, heading back toward the studio—his usual sanctuary when he couldn't sleep—he stopped, a muffled sound catching his attention. It was faint at first, but as Chan stood in the hallway, he realized it was coming from Felix's room. He moved closer, his brow furrowing in concern as he recognized the quiet sobs filtering through the door.

His heart dropped.

He didn't want to intrude—he had no intention of eavesdropping—but something in him froze, his feet rooted to the spot outside Felix's room. The sobs were unmistakable now, and they didn't belong to Felix. Chan knew that voice too well. It was Seungmin.

His heart ached at the sound. Seungmin was always so composed, so guarded, always wearing that calm, indifferent mask. Chan had rarely seen him break. But here he was, breaking in a way that Chan had never heard before—raw, vulnerable, and hurting. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat, guilt settling in his chest as he strained to listen without fully meaning to.

"I don't know what to do, Lix..."

Seungmin's voice was barely above a whisper, hoarse from crying, and each word felt like a dagger twisting in Chan's gut. He pressed his back against the wall just outside the door, not daring to move, not daring to make a sound. He shouldn't be listening, he knew that. But he couldn't stop himself.

Inside, Felix's voice was calm, soothing, but Chan barely registered it. All he could focus on was Seungmin, his words laced with the kind of pain Chan never wanted to be the cause of.

"I thought I was ready for this, but now that it's happening, I feel like... like I'm losing control."

Chan's breath caught in his throat. He leaned his head back against the wall, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling as Seungmin's words reverberated in his head. Losing control? Was it because of what had happened between them? Was he the reason Seungmin was feeling this way?

Guilt gnawed at him, twisting in his stomach like a knot he couldn't untangle. All night, he had been so wrapped up in his own confusion, his own excitement and fear about what they were becoming, that he hadn't stopped to think about how Seungmin might be feeling. He had been so sure that Seungmin had wanted that kiss as much as he had, but now...

What if he had been wrong?

"I can't handle this, Lix. What if I mess it up? What if I hurt him?"

The sheer vulnerability in Seungmin's voice was enough to break Chan's heart. He clenched his fists at his sides, wishing he could storm into the room, pull Seungmin into his arms, and tell him everything would be okay. But he couldn't do that. Not now. Not when Seungmin was already spiraling. He didn't want to make it worse.

Felix's response was soft, reassuring, but Chan couldn't focus on the words. All he could hear was Seungmin's pain, the fear that he was somehow not enough, that he would ruin everything between them.

Chan felt like the world had tipped sideways. How could Seungmin not see how much he meant to him? How could he possibly think that he wasn't enough? Chan had always admired Seungmin's strength, his calm, his quiet confidence. But now, hearing him unravel like this, Chan realized that maybe he had missed something. Maybe he hadn't been paying close enough attention

He had been so focused on the surface—on what Seungmin projected to the world—that he hadn't seen the cracks beneath. And now, those cracks were wide open, and Chan didn't know how to fix them

"Seungmin," Felix said, his voice gentle but firm. "You're not going to mess this up. You and Chan... you've always been close. This is just another step. And you don't have to figure everything out right now. Just take it one day at a time."

Felix's words were grounding, a balm for Seungmin's spiraling thoughts. Chan felt a pang of gratitude toward Felix—he was always the one who knew how to bring calm to the storm, how to make sense of things when the rest of them couldn't.

But even with Felix's reassurances, Seungmin's next words shattered Chan all over again.

"What if I'm not enough for him?"

Chan's breath hitched, his eyes burning with the sting of unshed tears. He wanted to scream—to burst into the room and tell Seungmin that he was more than enough, that he was everything. How could Seungmin think so little of himself when, to Chan, he was perfect?

He swallowed hard, forcing himself to stay rooted in place, even though every instinct in his body was screaming at him to move, to do something.

Felix's response was quiet, but Chan could hear the truth in it. "You're more than enough, Min. Chan's lucky to have you."

Lucky. That word hit Chan like a punch to the gut. He *was* lucky. So, so lucky to have Seungmin in his life—to be the one Seungmin trusted, the one he had kissed, the one who held a piece of his heart. But hearing Seungmin doubt his own worth like this made Chan feel like he had failed somehow. Failed to make Seungmin feel secure, failed to show him how much he mattered.

Tears welled in Chan's eyes, his throat tightening as he leaned heavier against the wall, feeling the weight of it all crashing down on him. He had always prided himself on being the strong one, the leader, the one who could handle anything that came their way. But now, standing outside Felix's door, listening to Seungmin's pain, Chan had never felt more powerless.

He wiped at his eyes, taking a few shaky breaths as he tried to pull himself together. He couldn't break down now. Seungmin needed him to be strong. But the realization that Seungmin was hurting this deeply, and that Chan might have been the cause of it, was almost too much to bear.

When he heard Felix tell Seungmin to get some rest, Chan knew he had to leave. He couldn't stay here, listening to this any longer. He didn't deserve to hear these private moments, and he certainly didn't want Seungmin to know he had been eavesdropping.

Quietly, Chan pushed off the wall and moved down the hallway, his footsteps as silent as he could make them. His heart was heavy, his mind racing with everything he had overheard. He didn't know what to do next, but one thing was clear: he couldn't let Seungmin continue feeling like this.

He had to find a way to fix it—to make Seungmin understand just how much he meant to him. He couldn't let Seungmin carry this burden alone. But for now, he would give him space, let him sleep, and hope that tomorrow, they could start figuring it out. Together.

As Chan slipped back into his own room, he leaned against the door, taking a deep, steadying breath

I'll make this right, Seungmin, he promised silently, his hand resting over his heart. I won't let you carry this alone.