I can't live without you.. || Chanmin

The weight of it all

(Bangchan POV)

The dorm was silent, the kind of heavy silence that magnified every creak of the floor and rustle of fabric. Chan sat alone in his dimly lit room, his desk lamp casting long shadows across the walls. His hands trembled as they hovered over the scattered mess of papers, song lyrics abandoned mid-thought.

His heart ached with a pain so deep it felt physical. It had been days since the call from the hospital, days of waiting, hoping, and replaying every decision he had ever made regarding Seungmin. And with each passing hour, the guilt festered, growing like a dark, twisting vine inside him.

His thoughts were merciless.

You failed him.

You should have seen it coming.

You were supposed to protect him.

He stared at the knife on his desk, left there after an earlier, meaningless attempt to eat something. The blade glinted under the soft light, catching his attention and holding it.

Chan's breaths grew shallow as his mind spiraled further.

Seungmin deserves better.

The thought echoed, loud and consuming.

He's in so much pain, and I couldn't save him. Maybe... maybe I'm the reason he's hurting. Maybe if I wasn't here, things would get better for him. For everyone.

Tears blurred his vision as he reached for the knife, his hand trembling violently. The cool metal felt alien in his palm, heavy and sharp, its presence a stark contrast to the warmth of his tears streaming down his face.

The weight of his despair pressed harder against his chest, making it difficult to breathe. His grip on the knife tightened as he stared at the blade, his thoughts racing.

Suddenly, the door to his room burst open.

"Chan!" Felix's voice was sharp, panicked.

Chan froze, his breath hitching as he looked up. Felix stood in the doorway, his face pale and his eyes wide with fear. Behind him, Hyunjin rushed into the room, his expression mirroring Felix's panic.

"What are you doing?!" Felix cried, rushing to Chan's side and grabbing the knife from his hand.

Hyunjin knelt in front of him, his hands gripping Chan's shoulders tightly. "Hyung, talk to us!"

Chan couldn't meet their eyes, shame and anguish overwhelming him. "I—I can't do this anymore," he choked out, his voice barely a whisper. "I can't save him. I can't save any of you. I'm just making everything worse."

Felix's hands shook as he set the knife on the far side of the desk, his voice breaking. "That's not true, hyung. You're not the problem. You've never been the problem."

"But I failed him," Chan whispered, his voice cracking. "Seungmin needed me, and I wasn't there. If I had been a better leader, a better hyung, maybe he wouldn't—" He broke off, sobs wracking his body as he crumpled into Hyunjin's arms.

Hyunjin held him tightly, his own tears falling silently. "You didn't fail him, hyung. None of this is your fault. You're doing everything you can, and that's enough. Please, believe us."

Felix crouched down beside them, placing a hand on Chan's back. "We love you, hyung. Seungmin loves you. Don't you see? You're the reason we've made it this far. We need you. He needs you."

Chan's sobs grew louder as he clung to Hyunjin, his heart breaking under the weight of their words. He wanted to believe them, but the guilt was too strong, the doubt too deeply rooted.

"I just want him to be okay," Chan whispered. "I just want him to come back to us."

"And he will," Felix said firmly, though his voice wavered. "But he needs time, and we need you to be strong for him. Don't give up on him, Chan. And don't give up on yourself."

They stayed like that for a long time, the three of them huddled together on the floor. Felix and Hyunjin didn't let go of Chan, their presence grounding him, pulling him back from the edge.

Eventually, Chan's sobs subsided, though the pain in his chest remained. He looked up at them, his eyes red and swollen. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be sorry," Hyunjin said gently. "Just promise us you'll talk to us next time. Don't keep it all inside, hyung. You're not alone in this."

Felix nodded, his voice soft but resolute. "We'll get through this together. All of us."

Chan nodded weakly, his tears still falling but his grip on despair loosening slightly. He didn't know if he could forgive himself, but for now, he would hold onto the love of his members—the only thing keeping him tethered to this world.