ANOTHER LONELY DECEMBER, Riley Johnson

Tumultuous Ride

🎧: Despair, Hangover & Ecstasy - The Dø

"You know you can stay at my parents' house, right?" Harper offered for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"I know, but I prefer staying at an hotel in town. Christmas and big family reunions; those aren't really my thing" I explained once again. I knew she was just trying to be nice but truth is I didn't even want to be a part of that trip, I only joined because Abby asked me to. "Plus, I'll still spend most of the day with you guys so I'll need my peaceful, quiet night-time" I joked, earning a gentle punch in the arm from my sister.

"You know you could have said no when I asked you to come?" she said, making a disapproving look grow on Harper's face.

"She's basically our child, she has to spend Christmas with us" Harper chuckled. I dramatically rolled my eyes at them as I threw my luggage into the trunk.

"Are we going or not?" I forced a wide smile, hopping into the back seat. Abby and I lost the habit of celebrating Christmas after our parents passed, which is why I didn't understand the enthusiasm she showed for that trip. Sure, she was pleased to finally meet Harper's parents, but other than that I didn't get it. Until she told me what her plan was: she wanted to propose right for Christmas. As cheesy as it sounded, I loved that idea for them. They had been together for a while now, in lesbian years, and it made perfect sense to take their relationship to another level.

Harper started the car and then began our holiday. I put on my headphones and played my favourite playlist, I let my eyes shut close and tried to relax. I wished I could sleep through the whole ride but unfortunately I'd never been able to sleep in a car. I let my mind drift to my topic of the moment: my love life. At 27 years old my amount of failed relationships was honestly concerning. I had been with a fair amount of guys who I always sincerely liked in the beginning, but after a few weeks, most of the time when things started getting serious, it was gone. Nothing. No attraction, no sexual tension, no feelings. I'd considered aromanticism an option at this point, although I did crave deep romantic emotional connection with someone, I just couldn't figure out a way to make it work.

"So, Amelia, what happened to Noah?" Abby asked, pulling me out of my spiralling thoughts.

"Nothing, he was fine, I just didn't fancy him anymore" I shrugged.

"You guys stayed together for what, three weeks?" Harper's tone was hiding a hint of judgement.

"I think so. Look, no offense but I don't really want to talk about it. He just wasn't the one or whatever" I sighed. I'd discussed this with Abby before, she asked me a bunch of questions about my sexuality, as if I had never considered other options. Have you ever thought about being with someone who's not a man? Have you ever been attracted to someone who wasn't a man? Would you close the door to someone who wasn't a man? Of course, I had considered that option, I just never felt anything for a woman. Sometimes I felt like I had never felt anything at all, for anyone. I put my headphones back on and let the sound of Abby and Harper's conversation fade away until Harper stopped the car.

"I was going to, then my dad told us that he was running for mayor. It really didn't feel like the right time, now he needs to find donors. This whole Christmas holiday is about impressing this person he really wants to work with, so my mom is stressed out and everything is just- I don't think now is the moment for them to hear it" Harper explained. I quickly caught up on the conversation and understood what it was about. She told Abby she came out to her parents over summer, almost 6 months ago, turned out she lied.

"Okay then why would you invite me?" Abby simply asked. I honestly couldn't have thought about anything else to say.

"Because... I love you and we were having a special moment... I just got carried away. I want you, both of you, to have such a special Christmas, because you deserve it" she smiled at me, perhaps hoping I would be on her side and support her. I didn't say anything, I didn't have any constructive thing to say.