raspberries and mocha | heejake

29

Jake couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. Every moment replayed in his head like a movie on loop—Heeseung's warmth, the way he held him, the softness in his voice when he promised to stay with him. It made Jake feel giddy, like a teenager in love for the first time. He kept smiling to himself as he lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

But as much as those moments made his heart race, they also made it sink.

I don't deserve him.

That thought crept back into his mind, as it always did. Jake knew it wasn't true—Heeseung had never made him feel inadequate. In fact, Heeseung had given him everything. But that's exactly why it hurt so much. Heeseung was too good for him, and Jake couldn't help but feel like he was holding Heeseung back.

His mood shifted as if someone had flicked a switch. The giddiness faded, replaced by a dull ache in his chest. He sat up quickly and grabbed his phone, pulling up the contacts list. He couldn't deal with this on his own. Not right now.

Without thinking, he group-called Sunoo and Jungwon.

The two answered almost immediately. "Hyung?" Jungwon's voice came through first, slightly breathless. Sunoo chimed in a second later, "What's up? Why do you sound weird?"

"Come over," Jake said quickly, ignoring their questions. "Please, just come over."

There was a pause, but Sunoo was the first to respond. "Okay then, we'll be there."

Jake ended the call and sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. He didn't know how to explain what was going through his head, but he needed to talk to someone. He needed to figure out what to do before this got any worse.

Ten minutes later, his doorbell rang. Jake opened the door, and Sunoo and Jungwon stepped inside, immediately eyeing each other with concern. They were weirded out. They could tell something was up the moment they saw Jake.

"What the fuck happened to you?" Sunoo asked, not even bothering with formalities. Jungwon gave a nod of agreement, folding his arms as he leaned against the wall.

Jake closed the door behind them and walked to the living room, the other two following him. He plopped down on the couch, his head in his hands.

"I'm ending it with Heeseung," Jake muttered into his palms.

Both Sunoo and Jungwon froze.

"What?" Jungwon's voice was low, clearly confused. "Ending what?"

Jake sighed deeply, finally lifting his head to look at them. "I can't keep doing this. I can't be with him anymore."

Sunoo blinked, utterly baffled. "Hyung, what are you talking about? You and Heeseung  hyung are great together. What do you mean you can't keep doing this?"

Jake stood up, pacing the room as if he could shake off the weight of what he was saying. "I don't deserve him, Sunoo. You know how Heeseung is—he's perfect. He's kind, patient, understanding... and I'm just..me. I'm going to end up hurting him. He gives me everything, and I—I can't handle that. I don't know how to give that back."

Jungwon frowned, stepping forward. "But hyung, Heeseung wants to give you everything. He doesn't expect you to match him, or give him anything in return. That's not what love is."

Jake shook his head, frustrated. "That's not the point, Jungwon! It's not about him expecting anything. It's about me feeling like shit because I know I can't live up to him. He deserves someone better—someone who can be everything he needs."

Sunoo crossed his arms, his expression more serious than usual. "And how do you know what he needs? Have you asked him?"

Jake opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Sunoo continued, "Hyung, you can't just assume Heeseung wants something else. If he's happy with you, why would you take that away from him?"

"Because I'm scared!" Jake finally admitted, his voice trembling. "I'm scared that one day he'll wake up and realize he could do so much better. I'm scared that I'm just not enough for him."

Jungwon sighed, stepping closer to Jake. "Hyung...no one's asking you to be perfect. Least of all Heeseung. He's with you because he loves you, not because he expects you to be some ideal version of yourself."

Jake dropped back down onto the couch, feeling overwhelmed. "I know," he whispered. "I know he loves me. But that's what makes it worse. What if I can't live up to that? What if one day he regrets being with me?"

Sunoo sat beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Then you talk to him, Jake. You don't just cut him off without giving him a chance to be there for you. Relationships are built on communication. If you're feeling this way, tell him. Don't just...push him away."

Jake stayed silent, the weight of Sunoo's words sinking in. Deep down, he knew they were right. Heeseung had never made him feel anything less than loved. But that lingering fear, that feeling of inadequacy, gnawed at him like a parasite.

"I don't know if I can," Jake admitted softly. "I don't know if I can keep pretending everything's fine when I feel like this."

Jungwon sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Hyung, we're not saying it's going to be easy. But ending things because you're scared? That's not fair to you or Heeseung."

Sunoo nodded. "You have to give him the chance to love you the way he wants to, Jake. You deserve that much, too."

Jake stared at the floor, his mind racing. Everything they were saying made sense, but the fear wouldn't go away. He could feel it clawing at the back of his mind, whispering that he wasn't good enough, that he'd only hurt Heeseung if he stayed.

After a long pause, Jake finally looked up at his friends, his expression serious. "You can't tell Riki about this," he said firmly. "Not a word."

Sunoo and Jungwon exchanged a glance, both of them nodding in agreement. They could see how serious Jake was, and they didn't want to push him any further.

"Okay fine," Sunoo said quietly. "We won't say anything."

Jake exhaled, finally able to breathe again. "Good," he muttered.

As the two boys left, Jake slumped back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. He had a decision to make. One that could change everything.

He just didn't know if he had the strength to follow through with it.