Shattered Reflections

Chapter 6

The mission ended up succeeding and I was proud, yet disgusted, I had seen my comrades kill several innocent people.

I think that was it what gave me the rest, I couldn't do that anymore, I couldn't be a Death Eater anymore, I hated killing, cursing and screaming out danger.

It was already morning when I got back to Hogwarts and I quickly went into the Slytherin common room and into my warm, comfortable bed.

Not comfortable when I thought about what I just did, I was a real Death Eater.

When I woke up next it was already lunchtime but I wasn't hungry, I saw no need to leave my dorm so I just stayed in and studied.

Studying was what kept me happy, it made me release the anger and frustration.

After some time I went out to go for a walk, I purposely ignored my best friend Barty to not be forced to talk, I couldn't talk right now.

I left Hogwarts and went to walk around the black lake where I happened to see Sirius with his four friends, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Lily Evans. I hated them, seeing them together, I hated seeing him.

It was like he didn't give a shit about my feelings when he left me there with our parents, he didn't care about me at all.

We once - long before he became a Gryffindor and ruined our friendship - made a promise to escape together, to be brothers and leave our parents behind.

Of course he didn't hold onto the promise, I did.

They were laughing and seemed to be happy, much happier than I would ever be. I had never seen Sirius as joyful as he was with his friends, not even when we were children.

I wished I would've been a Gryffindor, maybe everything would have been different, maybe I still had a brother.

But no, I was a Slytherin, a Death Eater and a fucked up person, just like me and Siri never wanted to be.

Then he saw me. He held the eye contact for a few seconds before he looked at his friends again, it hurt being a stranger to him, it hurt having nobody anymore.

Well, nobody but Julie maybe.

I couldn't imagine her ever leaving me, could I? Yes I could. Anyone could abandon me, especially the people I loved the most.

It was Christmas, I suddenly remembered, I felt like I had forgotten something, I couldn't remember what, though.

I realized that I had stared at the five students for a few too long moments and quickly looked away, I couldn't stay here, it hurt too much.

With an icy look I turned around and made my way to the Black Forest, maybe there I could be let alone. Of course it wasn't allowed for students to go into it but I didn't care, how could I?

I was walking faster and faster, I just wanted to leave everything behind, I honestly couldn't even care if I died or hurt myself.

At some point I stopped and sat down on the floor, tears were rolling down my cheeks, I had enough of this life, enough of everything.

As I considered staying here until I starved to death, I realized the whole time I was carrying a book with me, some dark magic book.

I read in that recently and I thought it was a great idea to do that now too, so I opened it.

Horcruxes.

That was the first word I read, I had opened the book somewhere in the middle anyway so what would it matter reading that chapter now?

It was something about dividing your soul into another piece so you could never really die, it could be anything you put the other part into, a book, a glass, a necklace.

"A Horcrux can only be created by murdering a person." I stared at the page as I heard steps behind me.

"Julie?" I asked quietly, but someone else sat down next to me, someone I wouldn't have expected or wanted to sit down next to me.

"Hey..." he said, I didn't answer. "How are you?" I didn't look at him. "What do you want, Sirius?" I felt the tears coming back and fought against them, I hoped he wouldn't notice.

"I wish you would've come with me. I wish you wouldn't have gotten the mark." My sadness turned into pure anger and frustration.

"Well too bad, I got it. You don't even know how it is, I can't just escape them like you did. You left me behind!" With these words I got up and went away, away from him, away from everyone, deeper into the forest.

I knew he didn't follow me, of course he didn't but right now I couldn't care less. I just wanted to end everything, once and forever.