IPTYFM

CHAPTER Xl

“Why not? We’re a married couple. I’m completely better. I can endure it. I’m ready, really.”

Trying to convince him verbally that my body was ready didn’t seem to be effective. I needed to make him feel it with my body.

I had no intention of yielding meekly at this point. I tightly grasped the hand pushing me away and pushed it into the folds of my skirt.

“Ah!”

“Rize!”

At the moment when his fingertips touched the wet flesh between my legs, not only did I gasp, but Johann also recoiled. However, instead of losing his senses as the ladies suggested, he violently pushed me away with a strength I had never experienced before.

Thud.

“Ouch!”

He pushed me so hard that I unexpectedly fell, hitting my buttocks on the floor.

“It hurts.”

However, Johann didn’t help me up or even offer an apology. He just stood up and, as if afraid of being caught by me again, rushed out of the attic.

And then, he didn’t come back until the sun rose.

* * *

“Rize, let’s not talk about us to others.”

Even if Johann hadn’t pleaded, I had no intention of sharing last night’s story with others.

“It didn’t go well last night? But why did you end up fighting?”

However, the landlady already knew everything.

“We didn’t fight.”

“But why did you kick Johann out?”

“What? I kicked Johann out?”

When I asked, the landlady said she went to empty the chamber pots early in the morning. She happened to see Johann in the hallway and was surprised.

Johann was leaning against the corner of the hallway just below the attic door, clutching the rosary in his hand and sleeping.

So, she thought that we had a quarrel yesterday, and in my anger, I kicked him out.

I never kicked him out. He left on his own because he found the corner of the hallway without me, more comfortable than the bed I was on.

* * *

Johann returned to the attic just as the first rooster crowed. I pretended to be asleep, although I was wide awake.

There was no need to pretend; he came back, grabbed his coat, and left without even glancing at the bed. He didn’t eat breakfast and had been at the church since early morning.

After the mass, when everyone went to work, Johann went to the farm and started working. I went about my chores as if nothing had happened, but I could feel his gaze constantly on me.

‘Why is he acting like this?’

While I worked, Johann kept lingering around me, stealing glances. Even more than usual.

‘Why is he circling around me like this, when he was the one who rejected me first?’

Ignoring his gaze, I continued to scrub a piece of cloth on the washboard.

“Ah…”

Sometimes, the place where I had hit my butt ached. I stopped my hands and rubbed the painful spot. Finally, after a long time since the incident last night, Johann approached me and spoke.

“If it hurts, take a break today. I’ll handle your work.”

“…”

Without responding, I didn’t look at him and grabbed another piece of cloth. However, Johann took the laundry from me. Even so, I refused to go inside, so he forcibly tried to usher me in, even placing his hand on my body.

‘If he doesn’t want to touch me enough to push me away, why is he touching me now?’

In a moment of frustration, I quickly pushed away his hand on my shoulder.

“I’m fine, so go and do your work.”

“Rize….”

I continued scrubbing on the washboard after taking the stolen laundry. Johann didn’t leave; instead, he silently observed me.

“I’m sorry for last night.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one apologizing? I forced someone who didn’t want to do it. I’m sorry. I won’t make you uncomfortable again, so from today, don’t sleep in the hallway; come to the bed.”

Why do I have to explain so much? My self-esteem is hurt.

I, a foolish pauper with nothing but a husband, seem to have a pride as great as that of a rich young lady.

“If my presence bothers you, I can find another boarding house….”

“Rize.”

Now I know that I can also say mean things.

“If you want me to get another husband, you can do that.”

“Please don’t say that. God is listening.”

He stopped me from saying such things, not because he was jealous of me going to another man, but because it was an immoral thing to say. What am I to you?

My self-esteem was even more hurt.

“If you love God so much, shouldn’t you be a priest, not a married man?”

When I made a sarcastic remark, Johann closed his eyes as if his head was pounding and rubbed his forehead. After an awkward silence lasted for a while, he opened his mouth again.

“You are beautiful and lovely, but….”

The praise he gave lost its luster the moment it ended with ‘~ but.’

“And just the fact that you want me makes me feel a fleeting joy as if I have everything in the world, but….”

Even this statement ends with ‘~ but.’

“This is not right. For your sake, we should abstain.”

Whether the man in front of me is my husband or a priest, I can’t tell.

“Now you’re not ready so I can’t tell you right now, but someday you’ll regret it.”

Boring.

Johann always says things like that. You’re not ready yet. I can’t talk now. Do as I say without asking for reasons. This is all for you.

Lies.

He should realize that as soon as I open my eyes, the person in front of him is not a duck blindly following whatever it sees right after hatching; it’s a human. My blindly trusting belief in Johann is starting to break.

“I don’t need excuses, just go.”

However, Johann doesn’t leave and tries to comfort me.

He keeps apologizing and saying it’s his fault, but it feels like he doesn’t think it’s his fault.

It’s frustrating because suggesting we take a trip to the city on a Sunday is no different from avoiding and treating me like a child. It hurts my self-esteem even more.

The more he tries to comfort me, the more tangled my feelings become.