IPTYFM

CHAPTER XXXVlll

‘The hole should be in his body, not mine.’

Practicing with the revolver tucked in my skirt pocket naturally led me to imagine scenarios where I would have to shoot Major Felkner. Not just before and during the act of shooting, but also what comes after.

“If I shoot the Major…”

I pondered out loud, looking down at the gun I had drawn.

“I’d go to prison, wouldn’t I?”

Johann didn’t offer the false comfort that it wouldn’t happen.

“If you’re lucky.”

Being lucky means going to prison. Being unlucky could mean execution for killing a military officer during wartime.

“The best-case scenario would be for you to shoot him and manage to escape the bunker safely to meet me and then run away. But if we’re going to end up running anyway, fleeing now would stand a much better chance of success.”

Once again, Johann suggested we leave now while giving me a long, thoughtful look.

“But you still seem reluctant to run. Consider this gun a choice for those dangerous moments, not just a means of escape.”

The gun, which until moments ago felt like a lifeline, now seemed like a double-edged sword.

Is it the right choice to protect my honor at the cost of my life? Is it the right choice to endure less than human treatment just to keep my life?

“The decision, when that critical moment comes, is yours to make.”

Yes, that decision is something no one else can make for me. Watching me already agonizing over whether to shoot him or not, Johann, as if he couldn’t bear it any longer, closed his eyes tight and said.

“I didn’t want to say this because I feared it would burden you, but no matter what happens…”

Struggling with his own discomfort at having to say this, he finally managed to express his wish.

“All I need is for you to be alive.”

“Johann.”

I hugged him tight and pleaded.

“Whatever happens to me, just know I love you. And none of it is your fault.”

No matter what happens, whatever choice I make, I will bear the consequences. All I wished for was Johann not to suffer because of me.

* * *

Two days later, at dusk, soldiers came to drop off the workers in the village and knocked on our door. Fortunately, it wasn’t an immediate summons. I was to come to the bunker the next day at the same time as the other workers were being mobilized.

It’s hard to call this good news, but it wasn’t the worst either.

“It’s okay. Nothing bad will happen.”

I assured him confidently, but that was just an act to reassure Johann; I couldn’t sleep that night.

‘Johann would worry if he knew I couldn’t sleep.’

So, I just lay quietly in his arms, pretending to be asleep. However, my thoughts wouldn’t stay still, constantly flipping and flopping around.

I imagined scenarios and sketched out possible outcomes for the next day in my mind and pondered escape routes like soldiers doing mock training. Amid these thoughts, one question kept surfacing.

“Johann.”

Eventually, I stopped pretending and asked the man who was also feigning sleep.

“Have I ever killed someone?”

There was no response. I thought he might actually be asleep when he finally spoke.

“No. You were a nurse, saving people.”

“And you?”

“I haven’t either.”

I see. Just as I was about to close my eyes again, Johann suddenly asked.

“Do you wish for me to kill him? If you want, I can do it.”

His eyes were serious, the eyes of a man prepared for defeat.

“No, there’s no need for that.”

Whether something happens or not, wanting the lover to stay alive is the same for both of us.

I couldn’t let this faithful man go to hell because of me. Even if he escapes prison, he might not escape hell.

“I was just curious why I know how to use a gun.”

A lie. I asked because I needed courage to kill someone. It’s a foolish and cowardly thought. But if I had killed before, even if I don’t remember, pulling the trigger might feel lighter.

Johann must have known what I was really thinking.

“We don’t kill, but we learned to not get killed by those who wouldn’t hesitate with a gun.”

He added this at the end of his answer.

“Like the Major.”

* * *

The next morning, I put the gun in my skirt pocket and went to the bunker. Fortunately, like the last time, there were no body searches.

Half of the women who came with me on the truck were sent to the laundry room above ground, and the rest were assigned to clean the underground bunker. While other women were given an entire section, I was assigned just one room, Major Felkner’s office.

“Seeing you again, Rize Einemann.”

Just like before, the Major had me clean while he attended to his work.

This time, however, he didn’t deliberately dirty the floor to create more cleaning work for me. Thus, my task was finished in less than an hour, but he didn’t let me leave.

“Sit.”

He gestured with his eyes towards a chair at the end of the conference table in front of his desk. It was the seat farthest from him while facing him. Thinking I might need to escape, I sat as instructed.

I assumed he was going to unleash a barrage of questions at me again. However, the Major worked in silence for a long while. It wasn’t until about 30 minutes had passed, as I sat there looking at my hands like a statue, that he finally spoke to me again.