IPTYFM

CHAPTER XXVll

I turned to look at Johann, my light, who was sitting next to me. For some reason, he was not looking at the priest but had his head bowed down.

I reached out my hand to him, covering his neatly arranged hands on his lap with mine.

“Love must be without deceit…”

But just as our fingers intertwined, Johann jerked his hand away.

“God is watching.”

I didn’t mean to hold his hand with any impure intention. But Johann, who becomes almost like a monk in church, not even wanting to make eye contact with me, might have been startled.

“Johann, what’s wrong?”

My question wasn’t about why he rejected my hand. It was about why he looked as sad as someone at a funeral.

“You look upset.”

“It’s nothing.”

A lie.

“What were you thinking about?”

Johann didn’t answer. Not knowing his thoughts, I kept whispering cheerfully to him.

“Aren’t we just as well-matched as a couple?”

“……”

“Anna looks really beautiful today, like a flower. Johann, was I as pretty as Anna on our wedding day?”

No matter how much I chattered, Johann, who had been silently staring at his rosary, finally spoke.

“You were beautiful. So beautiful it hurt my heart.”

His voice now sounded like that of someone mourning a death.

“Was our wedding sad for you?”

Finally, Johann lifted his head to look at me.

“No, that can’t be.”

It seemed like a lie. His smile curled up, but his eyes still looked sad.

“Did your parents oppose our marriage? Or was there something bad at our wedding? Were we bombed during our ceremony, and that’s why I am like this? Is that why you’re sad?”

“It’s not that…”

Even though Johann wouldn’t answer my persistent questions, when my imagination started to run wild, he finally responded.

“Our wedding was hastily arranged, prepared for the possibility of death.”

“Ah… But we’re still alive. And very, very happy.”

Johann finally smiled at me.

“Tell me about our wedding, Johann.”

“Later…”

“What kind of wedding dress did I wear?”

I thought he meant he wouldn’t talk about it there. But then Johann’s tightly closed lips slowly began to form a gentle curve, as if he was recalling me on that day. His expression was so tender, even I, who knew nothing, felt thrilled.

“An old wedding dress.”

“An old wedding dress?”

“Because of the war, we couldn’t get a new wedding dress. We had to buy one that someone else had worn. It was over 10 years old and worn by more than ten brides, so the hem was frayed and the lace was faded, hardly white anymore.”

It seems it was even more worn than what Anna was wearing.

“My heart ached so much to see you in that…”

So that was why he said his heart hurt looking at me.

“Yet, you were more beautiful than I ever imagined…”

Johann didn’t finish his sentence. His smile faded again. As he bowed his head once more, I whispered in his ear.

“So, how did it feel to marry a first love who turned out to be even more beautiful than you imagined?”

I expected him to answer with a smile, but Johann remained silent, his expression dark.

Why is he like this?

As Johann’s silence grew, my anxiety increased. Fidgeting with my hands, I started to pick at a hangnail, when Johann took hold of my hand. It wasn’t to stop me, though.

He held my left hand, looking down at it. Then, intertwining his fingers with mine, he began to fiddle with the wedding ring on my ring finger.

This was uncharacteristic of the man who had jerked his hand away during mass, claiming God was watching. Johann continued to fiddle with the ring, deep in thought, and then…

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment. So, he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”

In the middle of the priest’s sermon, Johann suddenly stood up, holding my hand.

“What’s wrong?”

But he didn’t answer, just pulled me up and led me outside. We were at the back, so we didn’t disrupt the ceremony too much, but the nearby villagers followed us with surprised eyes.

Even the priest presiding over the mass glanced our way for a moment.

Once outside, Johann still didn’t explain why he did this. I continued to call his name, clueless and being led away.

“You dropped your rosary!”

He had dropped the rosary he’d been holding just before standing up, but he didn’t go back to pick it up. I thought he hadn’t noticed it, knowing it was something he cherished.

However, even after I pointed it out, Johann didn’t turn back to the church.